It's Monday. Waiting for a call from L's office to confirm a day/time for first visit. At work, unable to concentrate on anything else...............so, I thought I would start a new thread. I have been with my H for 30 years. We started dating when I was 14 years old. Through no fault but my own, I made my life about US, and our FAMILY, our home and OUR future. What has resulted is a 44 year old woman who does not know who SHE is.
My kids make me happy. I love doing things with and for my kids. I relied too heavily on H making me happy----another fault of mine. Now, I need to learn how to be happy with ME.
Problem is, with managing the household, my kids's busy schedules, and working full time, I have NO time. I'm looking for suggestions...........how to FIND yourself in 5 minutes a day or less??? I want this thread to be all positive, I want to focus on me (as I prepare for the big D)......don't let my H and his MLC crap creep in here, please.........
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Your life sounds like mine by being engulfed in the caring role, which at the time I enjoyed. Like you I have 4 children, animals and work full time! What a nightmare but like you I treasure it.
I'm not sure how old your children are. I am lucky that mine are all teenagers now.
One thing I have done is def make time for me. If that means the house isn't as tidy as it was so be it. My ironing is now done by my mother! My eldest babysits occasionally for me to go out to visit frineds or the theatre etc in an evening.
I have also started wearing clothes that I wouldn't normally wear so that makes me feel special and good because before I was too busy to try new ideas. I even opt into things with friends I would never have done.
From a home perspective I try to let the children know I want 10 minutes for a bath etc and make it special with bubbles etc and they are pretty good and leave me alone.
Friends also come over to mine and we have a take away and a bottle of wine. This way I don't need to get a babysitter (incase older D wants to go out).
I have also on occasions scheduled in lunch out of the office with friends. This can be difficult but if I book the slot out early enough no one touches it for meetings etc. When everyone is heading to their bedrooms I have time to read. I love reading and hadn't done it for a number of years and I have just refound the pleasure.
I am sure you already do some of these things. I hope you find one or two that will help.
Thank you - yes, I am/have been busy as the caretaker---3 kids (11,13,16), 3 dogs, 2 cats, 2 turtles, and 2 lizards. I do it all----I tried to instigate a chore list, but it became more work reminding the kids to do their chores than do them myself....so another fault! I get up at 5---and now exercise(rather than lay in bed and watch tv) before I get lunches made and ready for work. I usually do a load of laundry in the morning, feed the inside dog, remind D13 that we need to leave 20 times, make sure all electrical things are turned off, and some how get to work/school on time. When I get home I do the dishes, more laundry, feed all of the other animals, the kids and I when they are with me, help with homework or other projects.....more dishes....more laundry and then by 9 I am exhausted and ready for bed! Once a week, it's gathering trash and walking it down to the end of my (long) driveway, cleaning out litter boxes (which should be more often, but it's in the garage so I leave it....)....and add any additional home projects (like the flood) when they arise............
I did discover reading again after the bomb. I took a jewelery and stained glass class, but since going back to work full-time in September/October, I find that I have zero free time----and my house always looks like a pit! AND I'm always tired.
I have some girlfriends over for "girls night" very infrequently----because of everyone's scheduling. I pick a night that H has the kids and I make lots of snacks and we share a bottle (or 2 of wine). It is a good time, but they all go home to their husbands, and I remind them of how lucky they are.
My mother loves to iron.....so that is definitely an idea, but I can't even manage to visit her as often as I used to, or should (she lives 30 minutes north of me).
As I write this, I'm thinking I NEED to get my kids more involved......it's extra hard since they spend 2-4 nights a week at dad's, they are VERY busy, and have very little down time of their own. I want them to "just be home."
Any creative ways to get my kids involved??? I've found pleading with them and telling them how hard this all is for me and that I NEED their help DOES not work (one very weak moment......not a regular thing).
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
You sound like a very busy woman. The first thing that pops out to me is getting your children involved. I know...easier said than done as I am fighting with my kids right now to get their rooms cleaned. It seems like your children are at least old enough to make their own lunches and two of them old enough to do their own laundry. Both are very easy natural consequence changes....make your lunch or clean your clothes...or go hungry and wear dirty clothes. Let them make the choice to what they want. Otherwise it seems like you are doing the right things but are just busy being a parent.
The way I've gotten the kids involved was to list all the chores that need getting done, that were doable by a 12 and 14 year old and wouldn't take much time to accomplish. Focusing on the skills I want them to have when they leave home someday.
I ended up with a list of 12 chores: sweeping one floor,vacuuming one floor, cat litter, feeding cat, cooking 1 meal, dishes one night, cleaning bathrooms...D14 actually wanted her and her sister to take 5 chores each, leaving me with 2 (b/c I cook most meals, do most dishes, do the laundry)..So each Sunday we randomly pick our chores (listed on folded pieces of paper) from a bowl and that's what is due to be done by the next Sunday at 5pm.
I suspect this will change a bit once they start spending half their time with their dad, but I'm hoping he gives them a few chores while they're with him and I give them a few chores while they are with me.
I do have to remind the girls at times...but they do the chores. I've stated that part of their allowance is payment for the chores, so if it doesn't get done, I'll dock some money-have only done that once.
In the summer I paid them(3 or 4$) and they could voluntarily sign up for extra chores(laundry)..
If your kids don't buy into it, maybe its time for a group talk about how stressed you are feeling, how you could really use some help...most kids don't want their parents(esp. mom) stressed! They may step it up a bit.
I see it as part of life lessons. Kids need to know the basics of running a house..this will help them and you!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
My children are 21,19,16,13. The eldest is at Uni leaving 3 behind!
They have responsibility for their rooms and laundry. If they don't bring their laundry down it doesn't get done. They soon learn when they have no clean underwear (this happened). They need reminding about their rooms but I don't make big deal about it and close the door. They soon tidy up when they can't find their stuff because its hidden. So I have 3 less bedrooms to clean.
Can you afford a cleaner for a couple of hours per week. I don't have one but my friend does and she says they are a god send. Might think about that myself.
One thing I have noticed is the lack of devision of labour between 2 adults. That has a great impact on me and I never realised how much H did. So like you I run from dawn to dusk. I don't manage to get any down time every day but try and do it at least once a week. Even if it is only reading.
I won't say it gets easier as they get older just that your trips change i.e pubs, clubs and concerts.
Will have to dream about the pubs, clubs and concerts.....for now......
Actually, my H checked out on the chores around the house long before the "bomb." But then I thought, being a stay-at-home-mom meant that I did EVERYTHING around the house, since he had the income, and I did-----which got me deeper into the hole of having nothing for me and being unhappy-----YES, I know where I was when this all started and the role that it played. My H was also VERY busy with work, and I worked right along side him, helping with his biz with what I could-----until he no longer needed my help.......the first job he "fired" me from.
I didn't deal with the trash before, and I had help feeding the dogs, and he helped with the mowing........but for the most part I guess I was "prepared" for my daily chores. The full time job on top of everything is a bit much..............and to think I complained BEFORE that I had too much to do!
Don't know yet about help with the cleaning.....but will see how I "end up" bill wise when all is said and done.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
It took a lot of hounding but also a couple of sit down talks to get somethings to change. Things aren't perfect but they are getting better. S17 has to do the trahs and S14 the dishes. S17 was already good about doing laundry but mostly did his own stuff for work.
S14 just sort of started in on his own and has been making a lot of progress though he tends to just throw things away without knowing what they are. We are working on that.
The girls try to keep on their room and help with dinner and pick up after themselves as much as they can. All of the kids have been making their lunches the night before for several years now. I guess I am a bit further along with them than I thought.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
You do sound a lot like many of us LBW's here...we become so wrapped up in our family that we forget ourself...then we rely on our spouse for happiness instead of having our own.
I found in my case just taking a few minutes each day (cause like you that is all I had)I would close my eyes and listen...to the birds, cars, wind in the trees...or I would watch...birds, trees, ants...anything that had life to it! I would just relax and take it in.
The other thing I did was when I did have time off...I planned either a road trip (cheap hotels and cheap food) or a day trip locally, and would have fun with my kids doing things as if we were on a real vacation!
Once...I did charge a cruise to my H's credit card...he never checked his statements...and me and the kids went on a cruise to Mexico for a week...I took advantage of the pottery class on board the ship and made several things to bring home...one I was particularly proud of and still display in my home.
I would plan a girls night out to a chick flick...happy hour...or dinner
I also would invite friends over for dinner and games...
All these things helped me find MY happiness...it was then that my H took notice...I no longer NEEDED him!
kat - it does sound like you are doing pretty well with delegating and teaching them to be responsible for themselves! I have a lot of work to do on that.
Lin - These are all great ideas----and a place to start! Monday I thought I would start with a goal of 5 minutes of meditation a day......but haven't gotten that started! Maybe I need to write myself notes.
I'm toying with the idea of taking golf lessons this spring.....don't really know where to start, but hope to get some ideas..................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
