That was my question. Get together to talk about what exactly?
This could be something, but on the other hand it could be nothing.
If nothing else, I think I can avoid this whole legal nightmare and get her back on track with a 50/50 custody agreement. When she asked me if I "hate it", she was referring to the legal stuff. When I asked back "you?", I was referring to my detached and distant stance toward her. So those are the topics to talk about. Whether we'll arrive at anything meaningful, who knows.
If she says she doesn't want us to be so distant from each other, my response is simple. She cheated on me, left me, took my kids half from me, and now is trying take them fully from me. How does she expect me to act? If she wants me back in her life, then obviously her involvement with OM and his country must stop completely and for good, and she must drop her lawsuit. That's for starters. As for what happens between her and me, that's harder, and I'm not sure what I want there. As BeingMe says, I really just need to listen to what she says.
I agree totally that a snails pace is best, and yes, I will be making decisions for ME.
That was my question. Get together to talk about what exactly?
This could be something, but on the other hand it could be nothing.
If nothing else, I think I can avoid this whole legal nightmare and get her back on track with a 50/50 custody agreement. When she asked me if I "hate it", she was referring to the legal stuff. When I asked back "you?", I was referring to my detached and distant stance toward her. So those are the topics to talk about. Whether we'll arrive at anything meaningful, who knows.
If she says she doesn't want us to be so distant from each other, my response is simple. She cheated on me, left me, took my kids half from me, and now is trying take them fully from me. How does she expect me to act? If she wants me back in her life, then obviously her involvement with OM and his country must stop completely and for good, and she must drop her lawsuit. That's for starters. As for what happens between her and me, that's harder, and I'm not sure what I want there. As BeingMe says, I really just need to listen to what she says.
I agree totally that a snails pace is best, and yes, I will be making decisions for ME.
"OM and his country", please describe what that means. I hope your GAL'ing and taking care of yourself in the interim.
My W has a connection to a particular country that led to her A with OM. Even if she claims her A is over, I can't tolerate her going there any more, way too dangerous. It's not like it's Canada or Mexico, where it would be silly to forbid her from going to the entire country. This is on the other side of the earth, and all the people she knows there are connected to OM one way or another, so I would need her to sever all those connections as well. She has absolutely no need to ever go to that country other than foster those relationships. She has to leave it behind if she has any hope of saving our M. It is sad, because that country holds a special meaning to her in her life, but given what happened, she has forever associated that country with her A. I can't see any possible way for her to maintain that association and be in our M. She of course couldn't ever go there by herself, and I would NEVER want to go there with her, so what's left?
I absolutely am GALing and taking care of myself. Even after that interaction today, I feel fine and am not emotionally shook up at all. I already made plans for tonight, tomorrow, and this weekend!
No contact with W since our interaction the other day.
I'm waiting to see if she's going to contact me to arrange a time to talk. I feel the ball is in her court. I'm not being stubborn, just one thing I've learned through all this is that time and patience are good things.
This latest development hasn't really rattled me, and I'm fine living my life, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't get me thinking about things again. I still have the hardeset time imagining what possible path there is for us that could lead to reconciliation. So much damage has been done.
I wonder if she's waiting for you, Future? I don't want to be a downer, but maybe this custody issue was to get your attention, and now she has it? Farfetched, I know, but with your WAW, I wouldn't be surprised. Once she gets you to be 'friends' again, perhaps she is hoping to soften you enough to let the kids out of the country. Although, she should know by now, that's your hot button for detaching yourself from the 'friendship'.
Anyway, one way or another, you are gaining in lengths and strides, in confidence, self-worth, assertiveness, fun, and all the other things that constitute GAL. No wonder your kids want to sit with you, even though they are more with you then with her on average. You'd think they would be clinging to her, right?!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I wonder if she's waiting for you, Future? I don't want to be a downer, but maybe this custody issue was to get your attention, and now she has it? Farfetched, I know, but with your WAW, I wouldn't be surprised. Once she gets you to be 'friends' again, perhaps she is hoping to soften you enough to let the kids out of the country. Although, she should know by now, that's your hot button for detaching yourself from the 'friendship'.
She might be waiting for me, but I don't want her to think I've just been pining for her to make this move, because I haven't. She can wait, and if she doesn't say anything about it in the next few days or week, maybe I will bring it up. I'm testing her a little here. If we're going to talk, I'd like to do it before this legal stuff really gets going.
She knows I will not let the kids out of the country. I have never yielded on that even a tiny bit. That's one boundary I've managed to keep rock solid. I really don't think that's what's going on here. I think the custody lawsuit was about getting my attention and hurting me. She wanted to get a reaction. She's been trying to get my attention for weeks with all her games, and they've all failed. I finally gave it to her when she sincerely asked me "How are you doing?" I know her so well, and I know I finally broke her, at least a little.
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Anyway, one way or another, you are gaining in lengths and strides, in confidence, self-worth, assertiveness, fun, and all the other things that constitute GAL. No wonder your kids want to sit with you, even though they are more with you then with her on average. You'd think they would be clinging to her, right?!
Thanks! It was funny how the kids gravitated to me, and I'll be honest, inside I was loving it, even though I knew it was probably hurting her a little.
I saw W and kids Saturday morning at my daughter's soccer game. Beautiful morning. My wall was still very up, and I didn't interact with my W hardly at all. She was cautious but warm and friendly with me. I kept my distance. An old friend of mine was there with her kids, so I hung out with her most of the time and caught up. Again my son and other daughter stuck to me, and left my W sitting watching the soccer game by herself. I felt a little bad for her.
As the game was winding down I made my way back to where W was sitting. She didn't act self pitying about the kids leaving her to be with me during the game. She has really lost the "oh woe is me" attitude that was so pervasive last year, and I have to say, it's a good thing. She's positive and friendly. She compliments me and reaches out in little ways. I have to admit, it's working.
I helped her pack up her stuff and we walked to her car. I helped get the kids loaded up and said goodbye. W needed to discuss a couple things, and there was a moment of lingering. I gave her another hug, and again she squeezed me tight. She chuckled a little and said "Well, things are officially weird between us again." Then she pulled back and said with a bit of a submissive tone "It's up to you if you want to talk. I'm available. I've persued you enough over the last few months, it's up to you now." D6 saw what was going on, jumped right up, and reached over the front seat. She grabbed W's hand and my hand and pressed them together. W said "Alright D6, I know what your motives are." I pulled my hand back, said goodbye, walked away and got in my car.
When I got home W had left me a message on my answering machine. She said "I just want to clarify what I said. I know I haven't been asking you to talk for the last few months, but over January, February, March and April, you seemed like you really pulled away. We should talk about the custody thing..., uh, and there are definitely other things we should talk about. I just wanted you to know that I'm available to talk."
I'm trying not to react to all this and stay centered in the good place I've been. I've been fairly successful, but I admit, I am thinking about W again.
I ran a tough race yesterday morning in the heat and humidity, then went to pick up the kids from W's house. She had them ready, and was in a good mood. She asked me about the race, and was complimenting me on my committment to run in the miserable conditions. She seems so happy that I'm not so distant any more. Again D6 grabbed our hands and put them together and then told us we should kiss. Poor thing. She is trying so hard to put Mommy and Daddy back together. W said "I know you like it that we're not angry with each other, and we are trying to be nice to each other, but that's all we can do right now."
After getting the kids loaded, we had a brief conversation:
W: "We shouldn't hug in front of them, D6 is really getting worked up about it." Me: "I noticed. So you want to have dinner sometime?" W: "Sure." Me: "We need to arrange for child care some evening." W: "I'm available any night except Monday and Tuesday when I work." Me: "Ok."
That was it. She was smiling at me and putting out such a warm vibe. Where is this all going?
One thing I've been thinking about is what possible path we could have toward a successful reconciliation. What do I need? What does she need? Are we capable of meeting each other's needs. Could I ever truly get past her A? Will it pop into my head at random times, or worse, not-so-random times?
I have been realizing that I really don't want her to beg and grovel. Not that there isn't a part of me that would love to see it, but I know it wouldn't be a help. Rather, it would just add more toxic bad energy to the situation. I think I learned that from AFWAW's situation, who's W begged and pleaded endlessly, and it seemed to only make things worse. I need to be willing to allow her her dignity, and at some point I'll need to trust that she'll express to me true remorse for the pain she caused me. I also know she'll need to convince me she has worked through her demons and understands why she did what she did. Don't want to get ahead of myself here, but I do need to try to visualize a path if there's any hope at all.
I guess the one thing I would gently suggest you think about is how your thought pattern shifted in a few short days.
You went from thinking your W wanted to talk about the custody battle to know wondering if the two of you can reconcile.
Nobody wants to be in a legal battle. It is costly and stressful and especially horrible when the battle is over children. Why not see how that issue can be worked out before you allow yourself to even think about anything else.
Your W set the tone for the custody battle and you simply responded in the way you felt was best. She might (or might not, who knows!) realize that a custody battle will be much harder than she thought.
I am glad your W is not being as cold as she was to you. No matter what happens you will need to have some sort of positive vibe with her as the two of you share small children together. I would proceed with extreme caution and work out the custody issue before anything else is addressed.
Right. That's my mission. Deal with the custody thing first. From what W said on the phone, that's her goal too.
My thinking hasn't shifted all that much. I'm still happy with myself and confident about my future. I just want to prepare myself psychologically for where our talk might go, and I need to seriously consider what I want so I can respond appropriately.
For the record, W was not being cold to me this year. I've been cold and distant to her in my effort to detach. I needed to put an impenetrable wall up to do it, and it worked.
I don't agree that we have to have a positive vibe between us because of the kids. We have to remain civil to each other, and I have. I have never refused to discuss any practical matter regarding the kids. She would continually use those opportunities to try to hook me though, so I had to stop giving her even an inch, at least until I felt detached enough to deal with it. I think I am now, but I'm not sure. Guess I'll find out.
