WAW Using God II

[pigskin]

Well the difference is that she hasn't expressed interest in those other men. Just the one. She knows it.

Have you ever thought of asking her how it would look like if you were going out with someone in front of your children and what kind of example it would be setting?

IMO it sounds like your W needs a truth dart right now. For example, my W told me that since our D's miss her when she's not home, her solution was to give her full custody since it would be in "their best interest". I asked her point blank if she thought about the kids while she was carrying on with her boss. Or if she thought about them when she left. And that she told me herself that ideally it would be in the kids' best interest for both parents to be together. And so I challenged her to think of how she could possibly be thinking about the kids' best interest.

That shut her down pretty quick and she became alot nicer. I had read on another MLC site that sometimes since the WAs's moral compass becomes twisted based on their current warped thinking, the LBS should remind them about what the "truth" is and correct them when they are acting wrong or re-writing history. It's true you validate them, but up to a certain point. When they start making ridiculous accusations, it's time to step up.

And you say it in a "matter-of-fact" manner and not an accusatory one.

But that's just me.

I hear what you are saying about the truth dart. It's just that reasoning with her has been fruitless before. She seems that lost in the fog.

I don't mean to come off as argumentative either; I'm just discussing a point that I'm struggling with - enforcing that boundary.

In a more amazing testament to God working in this, today I got a reply back from my lawyer friend of a friend recommending a lawyer to speak to. Just prior to that I read an irritating comment from the OM through a communication channel that neither my W nor the OM realize I am aware of. Needless to say it p***ed me off, and I was planning on contacting the lawyer tomorrow to have an initial discussion.

Tonight my W called to tell me the guy who baptized her asked for my number, and that he would call me later. He called and said my W's church leadership is engaged in the situation and is planning to intervene. This was from out of the blue. I had spoken to the guy weeks ago but hadn't heard from him since. He told me he had a very encouraging talk with my W and has a good feeling about it. He said he has seen the OM and said he wanted to say something to him but didn't think it was his place just yet. But he and the others in the church are going to talk to him.

Now whether that will do anything remains to be seen. But once again I was at the ledge and have been coaxed down. Coincidence? I think not...

[MrBond]

I know what you mean about the OM's actions pissing you off. Remember my W's one tried to get me fired.

Did the church members say when they were planning to intervene? Personally I'm not sure if it's going to work but I remain optimistic. It might give your W that "Romeo and Juliet, secret love" rush. I mean if she was willing to twist around the word of God, who knows what she's thinking.

Good luck though.

[pigskin]

I know what you mean about the OM's actions pissing you off. Remember my W's one tried to get me fired.

Did the church members say when they were planning to intervene? Personally I'm not sure if it's going to work but I remain optimistic. It might give your W that "Romeo and Juliet, secret love" rush. I mean if she was willing to twist around the word of God, who knows what she's thinking.

Good luck though.

I was told that the church's womens' counselor has been speaking to my wife, but not when the other church leaders were going to sit down with her.

I too have low expectations for this, but the timing of my hearing about it at a time when I was feeling angry really has struck a chord with me. It gave me encouragement and made me feel a lot better at a point when I really needed it.

[thegoodfight]

Pigskin,

Good morning, read what coach wrote again. Sometimes it is hard to discern when we are to "wait" and when we are to "act". We can cast our cares and worries to the Lord but not our responsibility. Are you enabeling her "poor" behavior? I do not have the answer but you may want to chat with Coach or Puppy Dog Tails. Both are believers and doers from what we can tell of the word. Prayers and blessings to you and your family. Sometimes God needs "Kingdom" men to rise up and take action. Not violence or malicious behavior but action!

[pigskin]

Pigskin,

Good morning, read what coach wrote again. Sometimes it is hard to discern when we are to "wait" and when we are to "act". We can cast our cares and worries to the Lord but not our responsibility. Are you enabeling her "poor" behavior? I do not have the answer but you may want to chat with Coach or Puppy Dog Tails. Both are believers and doers from what we can tell of the word. Prayers and blessings to you and your family. Sometimes God needs "Kingdom" men to rise up and take action. Not violence or malicious behavior but action!

If I am enabling her poor behavior I'm not aware of it. Every boundary I can enforce I do.

I don't initiate any contact of any form with her unless it is family business.

I've pretty much done everything in the book without success. Nothing works with her. I've done LRT, 180s, you name it.

A very real issue is that she has an image of me that seems to be a conglomeration of every bad memory she has ever had in our entire relationship. It doesn't matter what I am now; she refuses to see it. If she had any inkling of coming home, she thinks it through, sees the "horrible" pigskin she has created in her mind, and talks herself out of it.

A very tough case. She mentioned yesterday that she sometimes thinks she "should just come back" but doesn't see us ever connecting on a husband/wife level. She definitely could benefit from MC, but I won't do that if the OM is in the picture. She described him as "her best friend".

I'm still planning on meeting with a lawyer to come up to speed on what to expect in a dissolution given our circumstances.

My W's apartment lease is up this month. She told me her options. She wanted to go month to month but it costs $200 more. She also said she talked to the leasing office about what would happen if she took a 6 or 12 month lease and wanted to break it.

I'm beginning to see the end of the month as an opportunity to create motion in our situation. Just like in idontknow's thread, state transparency and MC or get the divorce ball rolling. But I still want to give the Lord time to work and have her church step in as well. I can still be patient, but if she asks to sign a long term lease that may be it for me.

[idontunderstand]

A very real issue is that she has an image of me that seems to be a conglomeration of every bad memory she has ever had in our entire relationship. It doesn't matter what I am now; she refuses to see it.

I think that's pretty common if they are still in the fog. As we've read hundreds of times; consistency, so they know the changes are real, and no pressure.

One question that I don't think I've ever asked you: Do you think separation has helped or hurt your sitch and why?

I guess I'm trying to prepare myself for what seems like the inevitable next step in my sitch. Some of the success stories, i.e. Coach & Greek, had a physical separation and it worked out for them. I know it is not necessarily the last straw and living together has it's advantages, just wondering where you think you would be right now if you hadn't separated.

[pigskin]

A very real issue is that she has an image of me that seems to be a conglomeration of every bad memory she has ever had in our entire relationship. It doesn't matter what I am now; she refuses to see it.

I think that's pretty common if they are still in the fog. As we've read hundreds of times; consistency, so they know the changes are real, and no pressure.

One question that I don't think I've ever asked you: Do you think separation has helped or hurt your sitch and why?

I guess I'm trying to prepare myself for what seems like the inevitable next step in my sitch. Some of the success stories, i.e. Coach & Greek, had a physical separation and it worked out for them. I know it is not necessarily the last straw and living together has it's advantages, just wondering where you think you would be right now if you hadn't separated.

IDU, I think I have one of the more hopeless cases on this board. My sitch has never shown any improvement at all since the day of the bomb, which is coming up on one year. And I've pretty much done everything but file.

I don't think separation has done anything for my situation, but it was necessary given my W's behavior. What it has done is removed the constant gloom of my W's attitude from my home, which has helped ME. You can't have that around you; it will only suck you down into their pit of despair.

With the benefit of hindsight, when this all plays out, I might have a different take on things. But we've been separated 6 months now, and I don't know of any successes with OMs and separation that have played out that long. They may be out there, I'm just not aware of them. It seems like success stories have WAWs waking up pretty early in the separation. I don't know what you can consider the point of no return.

So I guess the short answer is my sitch would be the same regardless of whether we separated or not, but my attitude is better for not having to live in the same home as a W in the state that mine is in.

[pigskin]

Journaling:

A good weekend all in all. Hung with the kids, boys had baseball pictures and practice. Then we grilled out and watched a movie.

Sunday we went to mass then went to W's musical concert. She thanked me for coming.

Today at a meeting we attended I asked her afterward how she is doing as she kind of alluded to feeling a bit down. She thinks she's just on a down cycle as she's on a schedule of reducing her depression meds in the hope of getting off them entirely.

I asked her how her church service was, and she said rough, as they are covering Proverbs and specifically Proverbs 2 yesterday.

I looked it up and can see why it was rough. Especially if you check out Proverbs 2:16-19 :

"It will save you also from the adulteress, from the wayward wife with her seductive words, who has left the partner of her youth and ignored the covenant she made before God. For her house leads down to death and her paths to the spirits of the dead. None who go to her return or attain the paths of life.

Ouch. A little truth dart from God Almighty. Sounds like He is still on the offensive for me...

[idontunderstand]

Ouch. A little truth dart from God Almighty. Sounds like He is still on the offensive for me...

I wish I could feel my W at least searching for God. She used to be the ultimate Catholic, never missed Mass, Communion, took lent very seriously, etc. Now, she rarely goes to church, does nothing with the kids religion classes, it is all left to me. I am proud to take all four kids to church by myself and have got too many comments to count about how people think it is great that I do that, and the older ladies say my husband would have never done it. Our priest has told me how great he thinks it is and out of all the kids in our little church, when we go up for communion, he blesses S4 and D6 by name. He blesses other little ones, but he says ours by name. After mass, he shakes hands with everyone, and my daughter has to go and give him a hug.

Anyway, it sounds like a good weekend, all in all. Continue to love your kids and pray for hope. I know you do both!

[pigskin]

I wish I could feel my W at least searching for God. She used to be the ultimate Catholic, never missed Mass, Communion, took lent very seriously, etc. Now, she rarely goes to church, does nothing with the kids religion classes, it is all left to me.

That explains a lot about her behavior. People can say what they want, but when you stop making your faith in God a priority, you open yourself up to being brought down by evil.

You can't preach to someone who isn't ready or willing to accept it, but perhaps offer to have her come to church with you. Say you'd enjoy having the whole family there. You can't TELL her to go or tell her the implications of not going, but you can try to make it a warm and fuzzy invitation. As catholic husband it's really your duty to get her back on that track. But again, it has to be by invitation, not by preaching, scolding, or guilt. If she says no, just let it go with a smile and give her the same invitation next week.