Post any questions you might have to me here....

[Lostforwords]

Well said Mach...

One of my first lessons was understanding that there are things we can control and we cannot control. The funny part about it is....we tend to forget about the things we can control (neglecting them) and stressing about the things we do not control (stressing out over them). This applies to almost all people not just people in our situation.

So we do have the opportunity to look in the mirror and review these aspects of our lives. What I came to discover was that I was neglecting my time with my children, my body, my emotional well being, etc. Not because of my wife, but because I was spending all my time stressing over things that were beyond my control...bosses, economy, etc.

So I broke my life into two areas. One being the things I truly control....this area is small because the truth is I only control myself. The second area being things I don't control...my wife, the economy, etc.

Example- I used to get extremely stressed out by finances. I was thinking "If I have more money, I will be better off in all parts of my life"...."If I work more, I will be better financially"...so forth and so on. I would get red in the face and absolutely miserable for days on end when I didn't have the money to do what I wanted. Then of course this happened and I lost my job.....stressing more about money then. Once I put finances in an area that I didn't control...everything changed. I realized that I had no control over whether I was going to have a job tomorrow, a proposal was going to be signed, or even if a client was going to send me a check to pay their bill. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THAT!. So why was I worrying about something that I could technically do nothing about....rather silly looking back in hindsight. Do I still think about...yes...but in this new perspective....I no longer stress about it.

As you can see...this little epiphany about my perspective on finances had a substantial affect on a many areas of my life...not just finances. Of course I then grew upon that...I worked out more, made my children a priority, worked on my mental well being, helping people who ask for help, etc.. At the same time detaching myself from things that are out my control.

This has changed me right to my core...it has changed my life. Everything else will just happen as it happens....but the things I should be worrying about are in my wheelhouse and under constant work.

Of course this has helped me immensely dealing with my wife....and this is just one lesson an LBS will go through...there are many more. Some harder and greater and some easier and smaller....but all lessons that need to be learned to become stronger and better people.

Worksheet for all;

Take a piece of paper and make two columns. One label "control" and one labeled "uncontrolled". Write in each columns parts of your life that fill a category. When you are done review...and then ask yourself "Do I really control this aspect of my life? Is there an outside force that really has control of this part of my life?".

Then look at the things in the "uncontrolled column". Ask yourself "Am I over focused on this aspect of my life?"...."Am I stressing out over something I don't control?".

The real oddity you will find...is once you truly understand what you can control and work on that...portions of the "uncontrolled" part of your life will come into your influence, but only after you have control of the necessary parts first.

[Treese]

Hi HB..I really have to thank you for taking sooooo much time answering everyone's questions and helping them through such a difficult time. It really does help...

I checked into H getting money out of his 401K...it's says in hardship cases which I have to say we are in at this time...so I told him that and he said he couldn't get it because it would cause serious tax implications...I don't care...all I care about is getting through this tough time...it's his pay that's gotten chopped and he is paying 600 a month to a kid I've never even met...nor have my kids...this is the child he had while having an affair on me 10 years ago and I had nooooo idea ....well, I think maybe I did but buried it and didn't want to believe it..we all can bury stuff and unfortunately when it comes out it blows..

As far as the money...he doesn't have any....well, as far as I know...his paycheck gets direct deposited in my account...it's the same it's been for the past 3 years...but he does get a monthly bonus that used to be 2000 and last month was 86.00....my income has gone down at least 1500 a month on top of the new child support....the "love child's" mother took him to court a little over a year ago to prove paternity and get support....he hadn't paid any support for the first 10 years of the childs life...she is now engaged and figured he was in a divorce so she wanted her share also...I still feel she trapped him...but it takes 2...
so, this is what I'm dealing with...my attorney is 3000...I have NO money....I'm barely surviving...i've cut out lots of extras, even thinking about selling my wedding rings...he, however is surviving by living w OW and staying free at her house...
According to him she is very laid back...loves him for who he is..they get along great, have everything he's always wanted...the love, the communication, etc..and well, he thinks she beautiful...Blah....the picture i saw not long ago was not pretty and when I showed it to someone I knew they said,,":he left you for her?"...well, I guess she is just everything he always wanted...They just "LUV" each other....but I can't believe they never fight....everyone does...at least once...and he is living 3 lives...he has his own...my children, and his love child...

Sorry, I could go on and on....this past weekend really got to me...I was actually angry....I have a membership to a gym that I was going to cancel because of money and my D17 texted her dad about his membership and he told her maybe I could just transfer mine to her....the whole idea of canceling it was to save money and he told her that she could have mine..he wants to look good to his daughter...she doesn't know the financial sitch...grrrr......if I say no she'll think I'm the bad guy..
I have a daughter who is getting married and I can't even help her out...it's very sad...he looks so cool and collected in front of his kids,when they see him, which isnt very often,....

I truly believe he is waiting to file til after my D17 turns 18 in June...that way he only has to pay for our 12 yr old..he will be fine with money...I will not...I will struggle and he knows it but he's just worried about himself..he's always said he would take care of me, he wanted to take care of me..
Im sure since OW went through her divorce (to be with H) she's giving him all kinds of advice..and he thinks it's all the same..she has a big house in a beautiful area...it's what WE dreamed of having and talked about...now he's living it. I don't think he'll ever crash..he's very in control of what he's doing..
Ohio is a no fault state...he can file and pretty much I'll get child support for my son...and a little alimony...i'll probably have to get a 2nd job...it will just be my son and I next year...D17 will be off to college and D23 will be married...

I think he's accepted his new life and is ready to be done with me...I'm working towards being okay with that...yes, I was a fixer and it was 31 years of my life..it's hard to let that go...

One time he looked at me and said, "Do you think I'm kidding about all this"..I'm not...I'm not attracted to you and I can't help the way I feel...and he looked me dead in the eyes and said it"...that was crushing...it crushed my spirit and no one should ever have their spirit crushed...

I am blessed, however, with 3 wonderful children...they have been troopers through all this and they love their mamma...that I am sure...

Sorry for babbling.....thanks for listening...sometimes it helps to just write it all out....

[cat04]

Well, this is turning into quite a nice discussion.

I hope that those of you who are much earlier in this are really paying attention and not just skipping over posts to see what HB's answer to your question is.

No offense HeartsBlessing, while your individual responses are appreciated, there is a lot of good info from all here...

When I was much earlier in my journey, I spent time in the archives...A LOT of time in the archives....

I was looking for the "elusive" success stories. They are there to find...

To my amazement, I found much more than I bargained for...

Not only did I see stories of reunited M--J3B, HB, YellowRose, BND to name a few...

I also saw the growth of these individuals, as well as other individuals whose M's were not reunited. Snodderly, Browl...and others, some whose stories are still not complete...Trapt, Brooklyn... Amazing people...Truly amazing people and I'm sorry to those whose names I may have left off, as there are so many...

People that inspired me on my journey...

If you are newer here, or if you just haven't done it, I would and do recommend to take some time and go read their threads, from the beginning to now...The growth you will SEE in their journey, hopefully it will inspire you as well...

There is one woman, whose growth I have watched with a smile on my face for most of the last year...She is TrustingFaith.

Read her, while she is only about a year post bomb, she too is amazing.

There is much wisdom and insight to be gleaned from all of them...

[trustingfaith]

Cat, you just brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for that boost, friend - made my day!.:) It truly is the advice I have gotten hear from so many people, both directly and by reading others' threads that have caused me to grow. I am so grateful. Regardless of my M being "dead" (at least for now), I am better off now than I was a year ago in so many ways!

LFW - I am going to make my control/ out of my control columns and try to gain a little perspective here. I am a worrier and tend to focus on the what ifs, especially regarding finances, and you are so right. If it is out of my control anyway, I spend way too much time worrying about things. Might as well take care of what I can and live for TODAY, not next week, month, year, etc. That was great advice.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

The path of the LBS.

: )

If you are still the same whiney, self indulgent, dull, emotionally insecure and stunted, 'why is this happening to me?', its all their fault, complacent unappreciative person...

When the MLC comes out of it.

Why would they want to be with you?
Why would anyone?

Look in the mirror, do work.

That is the path of the LBS. You're smart enough to figure out that this time they are in MLC and you can make yourself better?
Then this isn't a waste of time for you.

[bradley11]

I liked that post jack

I needed to see that today...

[cat04]

Hello HeartsBlessing,

Curious question here:
Did you really expect me to remain the same person I used to be? I HAVE changed a great deal, and have seen that more clearly since I returned to the board for this period of time.
I'm sorry if I have disappointed you. I don't know who's more surprised, me or you.
I'm being honest, not sarcastic, in case my statements are taken that way.
I seriously would NOT hurt anyone for anything; and that is not my intention now.

Honestly, you did not disappoint me in anyway…

I fully expect and know that people change with time and life. It is the natural process of growth. I was not trying to imply that I think it is good or bad, that I, or anyone else was disappointed, however, I do like picking people’s brain’s a bit…

On a personal note, your former posts, especially about cycling, and information imparted from others, really did help me to begin my journey through all of this…And I too, do thank you and others for that…

I also thank you for your prayers and kind words…

Yes, I do know exactly what I must do within my life and I am doing it.

Everything in my situation will finish as God has planned. This is something that I know in my heart.

I am not sorry anymore that I have had to suffer through this, once or twice, because everything does happen for a reason. THAT is something I have always believed, however it took me a long time to accept that I might not always understand the reasons until much later…:)

While I have sometimes wished I had had the wisdom and guidance in the past that I have gained this time, I know that it was not the time then. I was not ready then. I am exactly where I am supposed to be now, because of the choices that I have made then and now and the lessons that I have learned and will continue to learn.

Each person walks his/her journey ALONE; no one can do it for you. It does NOT matter whatever the status quo may be at any given time for ANY person in their life.

All that really matters is that you take the journey to wholeness, and learn the lessons that each person must learn in this life.

Thank you for saying this. THIS really is the bottom line.

[TRUSTING]

HB,

Thank you for answering my question. You are wonderful.

[HeartsBlessing]

WARNING: LONG POST!!
This an article I wrote today regarding the LBS journey; I've had to think long and hard,drawing on memories of what happened to me from a long time ago.

Hopefully, this will help all of you in whatever stage you may be in. If I've missed anything, kindly point it out, please.

I was then, and will always be, an advocate of the journey the LBS has been forced to take; that, quite honestly, is really an OPPORTUNITY for changing themselves into better people than they were before the bomb in MLC hit.

I have taken this same journey..it was a long and hard one for me; so I know it won't be easy for anyone else.
It never is, but it was the BEST thing I could have done for ME.

My husband was deep within the MLC tunnel when my journey began; three months after the "bomb" was dropped on me. It took me that long to "get it". This was about ME, not him. And so my journey began, as an individual,WITHOUT his input or his involvement, and changed ME for a lifetime.....

In that process:

My perspectives changed, how I viewed things changed, I became comfortable with myself, and understood a lot more about myself; was able to accept myself and most of all to love myself as I am, not for what I would want myself
to be. That is true acceptance of self.

I found that most people's opinions really do NOT matter, they can take me or leave me, their choice.
We are all at different places in our journeys, some are ahead, some are behind, but each person is important, and deserves to be helped if needed. We can learn from each other, no one's view is really any better than another's, they are just different, mainly because of the place they are at in their journey, and we learn to respect those differences.

I retained my compassion for people who are hurting, but do not have any tolerance for people who hurt others.
I will back away from people who would try and hurt me, as I WILL protect myself from "toxic" people who would bring down my PMA. I love everybody; but I love myself more, and so, I shield myself, taking NOTHING personally,
regardless of what's said to me in anger or otherwise. I became important to myself, and that is NOT selfishness,
that is self-care; I learned that if I do not take care of myself, no one will do it for me.
I've realized that I cannot save the world, so I do what I can and let the rest go, as I cannot afford to "burn out"

Though I still love my husband, I do not love because I need; I need him because I love him, and will let him go, if he decides not to stay with me anymore at any time; love is "letting go", and I learned that within this journey
of self.....there were many more changes, too many to list here.


Depending upon the issues at hand that are tailored for each person going through, I will NOT cite a time frame, and make the mistake of causing people to think that
it only takes a certain amount of time to get through this necessary journey.
I went through the LBS journey when my husband went through MLC, then I went through a Mid Life Transition
that seemed to prolong my journey through to wholeness. These two journeys went back to back for me.
That does NOT mean that someone else will do the same.

Each person takes this journey as an INDIVIDUAL. There are no right or wrong ways to take this journey.
What's important is that it's taken, in its entirety. The only place you cannot start, is at the end, LOL, as you will not know what the ending is, until you reach it.(A little humor to brighten things up.)

Unfortunately, I don't remember any kind of roadmap to start you out...I've suggested the "Mirror of self-honesty"; it is as good a place to start as any, it will help you to begin seeing yourselves as you really are within.
Being honest with yourself is VERY important; it is the only way to changing whichever areas that need change within you.

Remember, it's NO ONE's place to judge you for what you see and reveal to whomever you choose to use as a sounding board(this is someone you can trust and talk to that can help you put these things into perspective).

Also remember that the answers are contained within YOU, no one can "give" them to you...and if you think you can't find them, well, you just haven't "tapped" them yet.

Above all, don't be afraid..this is not a test where you score for how well you do. You can take as much time as you need to complete this path.
But it must be done.


Attitude is important; don't take this journey in the hopes you'll get your spouse back.
This is for YOU, not them...they should NOT be in the picture you're looking at of
yourself. This is an INDIVIDUAL journey; just as your MLC'er/WAS is on a journey that is all about them, this is all about YOU.

One of the best things in this life, is to come through the journey the LBS spouse takes, learns the lessons of life, fixes the things within that are wrong with THEMSELVES, and come out on the other side, whole, and healed.

They know within themselves in the end, without the shadow of a doubt that they are and will be all right regardless of what their MLC'er does, the marriage comes back together or not, or even the twists and turns that life may take in the future.

Life, when it comes down to it, is nothing BUT one big problem to be solved, and solve it you will, as you live each day of your life. You will, when you come through, carry the tools needed to do this once your journey is completed.

How to get there? That's NOT a one size fits all answer. Each person's journey is different,tailored to the individual themselves...no one can "tell" you what to do; or how to do it.

You just do it, and it starts by looking deep within yourself.....


You've just been bombed; you're lost and afraid. The person you've given your life to, has betrayed you, abandoned you, says they don't love you anymore, or give you the speech of "I Love
you, but am not in love with you". When you ask them why, they tell you they don't know, or blame you with every bad thing they are feeling...and it is hard NOT take them seriously.

You're uncertain what the future will hold, and that is a normal
feeling..but you don't think it's normal. These things should not be happening, you think to yourself.
You want strength, but can't seem to find it. You can't eat, sleep, nor seem to get away from depression.
The fallout is everywhere, there is thick dust you can't seem to see through.

Eventually, you reach out for help as things do not seem to be coming back together as you'd hoped they would.

What you meet is a group of individuals going through the SAME thing; they tell you it's "MLC", it's NOT your fault, and furthermore, begin to try and get you to see that you must go through what you perceive is more pain and suffering; and you don't want that.
You want a "quick fix", you want your life back, you want your spouse to look at you like they used to.

I've got a newsflash for you:
You're NOT going to get that; when your spouse went into the tunnel; your marriage and your life, as you knew and saw it, DIED.
Get it? It's dead, as in not coming back ever again, burned to the ashes, GONE.

All the crying, begging, pleading, clinging, demanding...all destructive behaviors will NOT help to fix anything.
They will only cause MORE damage, as disrespect from the MLC'er will ONLY increase.

One thing you need to worry about as the dust from the fallout settles, is protecting yourself from the MLC'er if he/she is financially irresponsible..you may think this doesn't have anything to do with this journey, but you're wrong.
This is the FIRST thing you DO need to learn..protect yourself from those who would hurt you.
A firmly set boundary in the financial area alone for now, is very important; if you do NOT have money to support yourself and your family, you will go bankrupt, and lose everything material that is necessary.

The MLC'er is NOT going to be responsible, so YOU have to be..formulate a plan, and stick with it; ESPECIALLY if there is an OW/OM involved. Neither needs your money, YOU DO.

The next thing I suggest, if you need to, see a doctor, and get a physical. Why? Because MLC takes its toll on you, and YOU are important..if need be, get some anti-depressants or something of that nature, to calm you down so you can begin to cope with what's happened. Your mind will need to be clear, as when you "get it" you will begin the journey within yourself.

Looking within yourself is one of the HARDEST things anyone can do or ever will do. I can't tell you where to start, as everyone is different, but you can start by looking in the mirror of self-honesty;
UNCOVER that mirror and look hard. Anyone who says they have NEVER made ANY mistakes in their lives is LYING to themselves AND to everyone else who knows and loves them.

Be prepared to "sort" out what you see with someone you trust who understands
what you are doing. A Sounding Board is really important, someone who will be honest, and straightforward; helping you to begin see the areas of change that are needed within you; also they can help you effect those changes, making them permanent.
This is important work on yourself; DON'T NEGLECT IT, don't skip over it, thinking it's not important.

In time, as you progress, you will see yourself as you really are, seeing some VERY hurtful things, things you will NOT like.


Are you still fighting the fact, that you will need to take this necessary introspection after reading this far?
I can tell you something from experience: You're only hurting YOURSELF,not anyone else; this is where the
"Control lesson" one of the MOST important lessons in this life, comes into play.

The only person we can control in this life is OURSELVES, not anyone else. The MLC'er did his/her damage, sure, BUT, you cannot help him/her; accept that you can only help yourself.
That means taking the focus, such as it is, OFF the MLC'er, and putting it on YOU as the important person.

As time passes on, and you learn about YOU, beginning to fix the areas within you that need to be fixed, you will CHANGE. And for the better, NOT worse. You'll gain strength, understanding, confidence, and patience from this walk down the path toward a better YOU.

Read self help books, talk to the people on this board, do more things for yourself. Get a life that's separate from the MLC'er; get on with it..time won't stand still because this has happened; it marches on just like
it always has. Don't waste it in "pity parties" or wishing for the MLC'er to come back, nor spend any more
time grieving than you'll need to in order to accept this major "death" in your life...things have CHANGED, and you'll need to change right along with it.

You'll find, given time, that happiness is NOT found in another person, it is found WITHIN ourselves.

This is a PROCESS, not only a journey; and as you effect the changes within, people WILL see these changes, even the MLC'er that left you behind. Most importantly, they will affect the reactions of others toward you.

Taken properly, in time, it will no longer matter to you if your marriage makes it or doesn't, you'll find that YOU have grown stronger, see more clearly; most of all you'll know within your heart, that you WILL make it, regardless of what happens. If your marriage rebuilds itself, AND the MLC'er makes all the necessary changes
he/she must make as well, it will be a bonus.

You'll find you don't really need another to "complete" you; you'll be complete within yourself, regardless.

And you'll begin to deal on your own terms, as a more mature individual for what you've done within YOU.

This is NOT a "magic pill" designed to solve ALL your problems, but it will help you cope with ongoing problems, not just in the MLC.

This process will take, TIME, you'll suffer PAIN, sometimes you will feel GUILT..other times you will feel
SHAME. Don't run from them, EMBRACE them, as your attitude will be most important. You're not alone, others have gone this same route, walked this same road toward healing, and wholeness.

It is most important that when you accept all the mistakes you've made, make all the necessary changes, that really NEED to be permanent, that you FORGIVE, not only the MLC'er and anyone else who has hurt you, but YOURSELF.

Take each day as it comes, one day at a time, one step at a time,
be kind to yourself, you're human, and not immune to making mistakes.

Again, this journey is for YOU, and ONLY YOU.

This is the journey of a lifetime, an opportunity for YOU, take it, and make the most of it.

[HeartsBlessing]

Hello Everyone,

Two things I'd like to make clear; one, I don't mind people venting on this thread; it's OK to do that. A shoulder to lean on is one you can't find all the time..and everyone's shoulder here is always a good thing to have. So, vent away, I do understand; I've vented enough myself in my time.

Two, Cat is right, there are many other people, besides me who've gone through the MLC tunnel; and have learned SO much from this journey. That learning they pass on to others, and it's important to give them their time when they take the time to answer your post.

Please don't just look for the answers I give, but read theirs, too, learning from what they are saying. They don't have to take the time to come, read and comment; but they are caring enough to do so; so, I repeat, READ their answers, too. Like I said at the beginning of this thread, it sometimes takes several people commenting to help a poster answer the question that is asked; and I sincerely believe in collaborating with others.

Eventually, when this post joins the archives, it can be yet, another tool to help another, and this is what this is all about; helping each other, with love and understanding for each other's problems/troubles.
Anything that will help is a positive.

FWIW,
On a more personal note:
I've read EVERY post in this thread, and some I have read several times. All of you mentors have learned a great deal; and have gained a great deal of knowledge AND wisdom from this journey you are on. All of you are doing very well, and I feel you will continue to do so.
I am very appreciative of the time taken to check in on this thread.

The discussions are very interesting, informative and helpful to all.
I have to laugh, you are literally "dragging" my memories out of my head, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, either, LOL!!

When I completed my journey(s), I went through a process of "forgetting" how I traveled this path, only knew that I did and was finished, retaining only the lessons learned. It's only when someone "triggers" a memory, do I begin to remember what I did to get there..but I have to really think about it to bring it back. It's not painful, not anymore...that pain left long ago.

Keep asking questions, until you get what you're looking for, by all means. We will discuss until I hit it or get it or whatever has to happen.

The ending of my journey is a story that will most likely be told in pieces, as I remember it. I'm not being stubborn, I promise..I just can't remember it all.

You, too, will reach where I am, when it is all a distant memory. I think that is the biggest reason many people do not come back. They don't remember, don't want to remember, and so go on...and that is a necessary thing to them.

Remember, this is NOT a basic truth, only an opinion of my own.


As much as any one of us wishes we had a "magic pill" to end this, we don't. Only the tools to offer for your journey is all we have to give....using them, is up to you.

Never discount another's knowledge, use it to your advantage, and learn from it. That is what it is here for.

Much love,
HB