WAW and me in 11th hour!!!!

[Ken62]

(April 2009) After being married for 23.5 years my W gave me a letter stating that she did not feel connected to me and that we should start exploring possibilities for the future. Our two oldest children were already out of the house and our youngest would be leaving in the Fall. I had been a pretty emotionless spouse and father (other than the yelling and bad temper) all of those years and she had tried to get through to me and had been pushed to the brink of leaving several times but with no family near by and three kids she never was able to do it.

(June 2009) Discover EA who she has also been dating when W accidentally sends me a text message meant for him. This is the trigger that tears the walls down around my heart and I am a new very emotional man who is willing to do anything to save his marriage. W notices the change and ends the EA in order to give me another chance. We go on a marriage retreat and I think we both enjoy it but W wants that feeling all the time.

(July 2009) Spend some time in the basement in order to give W space but move back upstairs when youngest comes back from summer camp. W tells me that she is having a hard time with kissing me while we are making love. (Big warning sign that I did NOT pick up on).

(August 2009) W comes back from IC and tells me that she is committed to this marriage 100% but that lasts for at most 4 weeks. W sees a different counselor and then I see the counselor and then we meet together and the counselor recommends D and annulment because that is what my W wants. I am devastated.

(September 2009) W begins second EA on Facebook with a different person from her past. I have moved back down into the basement as our youngest has left for college.

(October 2009) I tell W that when she is gone to visit family and work at the end of the month for 3 weeks that I will move out and that when she gets back she will have her “space”.

(November and December 2009) Miserable in apartment and lose 20 pounds. Still Christmas carol with wife between Thanksgiving and Christmas but it is HARD!

(January 2010) W comes to my IC and I state that if she wants D then she should be in the Apartment and I should be in the house. W agrees and she finally grieves something (the loss of her home for the past 18 years) and we switch on Jan. 14. Jan. 21 first meeting with D mediator. Does not go well. I will need to pay maintenance to her for 8 years + $200K for half of assets. W says “that’s fine” I say “that SUCKS!”. W doesn’t talk to me for a week. W calls on Jan 30 to have lunch and discuss settlement offer and I ask her when she grieved the end of our M and she tells me 8 years ago!

(February 2010) W goes home again and sees EA but when she gets back gives me clues that it has also run its course. Needs distance from him and doesn’t see herself dating for a while. Let’s me talk more than I have been able to without stopping me to say “This (D) is happening”. Another good sign. Second D mediation meeting finished and we agree on a lump sum maintenance so I don’t have to pay for 8 years. Go out to breakfast afterward and I ask her if we could have a “date night” once a week. She tells me “NO” and that it may be a year or later before that would happen if ever. W tells me other stories about how the eight years went pretty fast and that she stayed for the kids and hoping that I would have a better relationship with them. Picked up DR at the library two days later and read for the first time about WAW syndrome and finally figured out what had happened to my W!

Like I said, W is pretty adamant about D and annulment. Papers will be filed on March 15 and the D will be final on June 15 so I have 3.5 months. I have started my DB coaching with Chuck. I have Gone Dark and I am GAL with rehearsals for a show I’m in and choir at church and a men’s group at church and doing IC. Also have lost 32 pounds from a year ago! Just not sure if anything will have an effect on W because even though I believe the EAs are over she has NOT changed her course at all. Thinking about asking someone else out on a date and I’m also preparing for a visit from FIL and his GF who will stay with me because there is NO room at W apartment. Trying to detach and let go and work on me and leave her alone because there is nothing I can do for her. What exactly is “dropping the rope”? Is it similar to “detach and let go” or something different?

W still loves and cares for me and wants to be “best friends” (I think this is cake eating) and has said all the usual ILYBNILWY, “we just aren’t compatible”, “I don’t think I’ve ever been IN love with you”. Sex life was the only thing that was great during our marriage (but almost always initiated by me) but she is a former sex abuse victim and I was just continuing that pattern and not knowing it.

Would love to have a one or two day intensive with Michele but not sure if W will ever come around to that in the next 3.5 months.

Thoughts, guidance, suggestions, 2X4s, encouragement, questions, anything?

Thanks for your time,

Ken

[Ken62]

In addition to Going Dark I would love to give my W the big fat check for Assets and Maintenance when we sign the final papers this week and get her off of the credit cards and on her own. The mediator said that we should keep the joint accounts going until now.

robx has been great with his 2x4 on me and I agree that I have nothing to lose by Going Dark and leaving her alone and GAL for myself because that is the way it is looking it's going to be anyway. Maybe it will shake her and maybe it wont but I have to start living for me and not living on hope. I'll still be DBing if she contacts me but if she doesn't, oh well.

[Ken62]

Hi sandi2,

Any thoughts on my sitch?

Thanks,

Ken

[sandi2]

Hi Ken, it would really help us if you could stick to just one thread for a while, okay? It is hard to keep track when there are more than one.

IMO, you should not have asked her for a date night. That is extremly pursuing......and especially when in the process of spliting up. When she wanted space from OM, you saw that as an opportunity to move in. Bad mistake. Keep away from her. You can't be "dark" if you are contacting and seeing her. She is not ready to have any dates with you. Don't mean to sound hard, but that's just how it is. She has to sort her feelings out about OM and what she is going to do at this point in her life. If you are applying pressure (like wanting a date night) that is going to backfire on your big time.

[Steve McQueen]

Ken, your wife repeatedly finds comfort in other men yet you bend over backwards to accomodate them. What do you find attractive in your wife as she is cheating on you?

W tells me that she is having a hard time with kissing me while we are making love. (Big warning sign that I did NOT pick up on).

Explain.

[Ken62]

Thanks sandi2!

I asked about the "date night" thing BEFORE I started reading DR and DBing. I am now going completely DARK and will leave her alone and let her do all the contacting (if any).

Thanks again,

Ken

[Ken62]

Ken, your wife repeatedly finds comfort in other men yet you bend over backwards to accomodate them. What do you find attractive in your wife as she is cheating on you?

W tells me that she is having a hard time with kissing me while we are making love. (Big warning sign that I did NOT pick up on).

Explain.

Thanks Steve McQueen,

Most of this was before I discovered DR and DBing. I've only been DBing for a few weeks and learning a lot.

The warning sign that I didn't pick up on was that she had already detached from me and was thinking of me as a brother instead of a husband or lover and it was just pity sex.

Hope that makes sense,

Ken

[Steve McQueen]

You ever have your testosterone levels checked?

testosterone acts as an aphrodiastic and is passed in your saliva.

[sandi2]

I asked about the "date night" thing BEFORE I started reading DR and DBing.

Oh, okay.

[Ken62]

Seems like my W has Gone Dark just as I am Going Dark. Go figure! Oh well, I'll keep doing what I'm doing and I'll see her this Friday morning to sign papers with the D mediator and I'll be DBing my butt off for the little time I'll see her.

I know that my WAW hasn't felt "connected" to me and has been planning this for 8 years but how can they just seem to give up 24 years like it is nothing. Do they think that there is something better out there? Are they just tired of trying? How do they rationalize that this is the right thing to do and that God and their heart are telling them that it is the right thing to do? So many questions, so few answers.

She talks about not having a "switch" that she can turn on to be "IN love" with me but it seems like she has a "switch" that she has "turned off" to not have any regrets about what she is doing and to not have any "romantic" feelings toward me. "The kids will be fine" she says, "they're adults now". What a bunch of crap. I don't care how old you are, it hurts no matter what when your family is ripped apart.

I have great things going on in my life right now and can't share any of it with the W (because she'll just want more in the settlement) and that is really hard!

Just needed to vent,

Ken