It sounds as if the petualnt teenager turned up when he said jump and no one bothered not even his D.
I think the teenager realises that things aren't going his way as D only talked to him for 10 mins.
Theoretically H did ring and let you know he was coming. I know not much time but in teenage speak he did as he was asked. More anger as he works out what to do with his life and how he is trashing everything.
When teenagers are backed into a corner they come out fighting and totally unreasonable.
FWIW, when my H walked out he was VERY manic.....seriously.....I thought he was having a real manic episode. I've been a health care provider for 30 years, so I've seen a lot even though I am not a psychologist. I changed the locks 3 weeks later when H e-mailed to tell me he'd decided to D me. I retained an attorney right away and he affirmed my decision. Said he thought I should change the lock. My only regret was that I didn't tell H right away that I had changed the lock. He discovered it one day before I could tell him. I can imagine how hurt he felt then.
About 6 months later, when H was clearly out of his manic phase (this lasted about 5 months) I gave H a key to the house as a good will gesture. He had the key, but didn't use it. On the day that I bought the house from him he brought the key to the closing.
XH and I went biking for 2 1/2 hours on saturday and I'm going to visit his mom in the Alzheimers unit this evening.....so changing the locks doesn't necessarily mean the end of friendly interactions in the future.
SCH - I agree with that you said....it's very frustrating. And I know that legally they have the right to access to the home....and I'm not denying that. I just want notice....I'm not keeping him out.
Libby - Theoretically H did ring...but he called D and announced that he is on the way, he didn't call me. If I wasn't in the room at the time...I wouldn't know until I opened the door.
Teenage behavior is right. Lately I feel that this is some kind of a power struggle. There is one rule and he doesn't like it so he is going to break it just to challenge the authority...not that I see myself as such...but you get my point...I hope.
GAG - Manic...that's an interesting observation....it does feel like that sometimes. Were you speaking much throughout the "locked-out" manic period? It seems that our communication has really deteriorated for the past almost 2 months...since I stopped his cake-eating....it's like he is challenging me...fighting for control. Wow that's so good to hear that you are reconnecting with your XH...did you have a good time biking? What is the relationship like, just friendly or do you feel closer then that...just curious.
D canceled seeing her dad yesterday so today he is taking her to her lesson and then to his place for dinner.
Also found out that OW is coming to stay with my H in a week and she will stay for 3 weeks. Her H told me. Once again she is putting this affair ahead of her own children.
And now some nice news...Booked my flight to see my Mom
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
The relationship you have with OM H do you see it as a healthy relationship?
IF you took away the ONE commonality that you both have...i.e. your H and his W are boinking each other...would you be talking with the OW's H?
I am only curious because the people we associate with, surround ourselves with...usually reflect ourselves.
Now, I feel bad for the guy...I do and if he were here I'd advise the same thing, take a look at what the realtionship with the OM's W does for you. But he isn't posting here...which suggests something to me.
Your realtionship is based in... a painful discovery and in order to prepetuate itself it will require pain...memories or new hurts.
Just food for thought Mila.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thank you Jack, I'm not sure if it's healthy or not. Do you think that I shouldn't talk to him because my H doesn't like it, or because it's bad for me.
My H doesn't know if I still talk to him or not and either does his wife. We are not trying to change their minds or win them back...we don't share with them what we talk about, we are just observing and letting things unfold...
When we talk it's for support, same way as I would talk to one of my DB friends from here. But we also talk about ourselves, how we are coping, our GAL's, kids, books we read. I guess you could say that we have become friends.
He is a good guy, real family man, intelligent and a good dad. After the initial stages of anger, persuading, pleading, desperation....you know the usual (we all went through that stage) he is handling the situation with his W with compassion and dignity.
No, he is not on the DB board (I decided not to tell him about it), but he has come a long way on his own (counseling, reading and talking to his chaplain) and he is doing all the right things....Actually I think that he is very good at DBing now.
We have both dropped the rope, but did not cut it. If he was on this board I would admire him for his compassion and love for his wife, for his strength of character and for his ability to continue to have a very good relationship with his W....considering the circumstances.
The other day they went for a walk and had a 1 1/2hr long talk, kind of a closure talk, ended up holding hands and hugging and her telling him that the relationship with my H is like a vortex that she is being sucked into and she has no control, told her H that he is a great man, that she trusts him and that she misses him....she is so confused and divided, so broken and depressed and he is there for her...not pleading or trying to win her back, just telling her that he sees her pain and that he understands how difficult this is for her and that he is moving on but will still be there for her if she needs someone to talk to.
I have only met this man because of our cheating spouses. But I could see that if we have met under different circumstances that we could have become friends...of course I'm not talking about anything romantic...absolutely no feelings like that.
Jack you are right, our relationship (with OW's H) started in pain and hurt, but I must say that it evolved into a more healthy friendship, one of support and encouragement and moving forward, not dwelling on pain and re-living the betrayal.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Please forgive me if this doesn't sound like I am supporting you. I am. I do not think that your relationship with OWH is at all healthy, for you or for him. It keeps you both deeply involved in the relationship between your H and OW when you need to remove yourselves completely from it. The fact that you still communicate with OWH, in spite of advice not to (even if you don't initiate) tells me that you are still not detached enough. Please cut the rope.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
CW, I used "cut the rope" deliberately. To me, "dropping the rope," especially to someone who doesn't run with it (like Mila's H, who keeps coming around) means the rope is lying on the ground in front of you, ready to be picked up again. Cutting it implies a more deliberate, and more permanent, action. Just semantics, really.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Great news about going to see your Mom. Sorry it's under these circumstances.
I disagree with telling Mila to cut the rope with OWH... what I do agree with is J3B's post.
It's up to YOU Mila. Only you know if it's unhealthy. However, it's truly hard to be honest with yourself. Think long and hard on this one and come up with your own answer. They are all right in that IF it's coming back to you, haunting you in any way, it's unhealthy. I am one that can be presented with facts and not let it eat away at me. I'll just shelf it and wait for it to be useful to me. I'm very detached from that. I practice that every day in my life, especially with my teens. Some people think about and relive facts once they are presented to them.
And as for the house access, I think at this point (if it were me) I'd find a way to drop it and not let it bother me. He's doing it to control you as well as say he's still part of D's life and can't be kept out. Instead (because I like to poke the tiger) I would do some remodeling. I'd change things around in the house, paint, change colors, etc. That way, you're not keeping him from seeing D when he wants to but ARE sending a very strong message that this is no longer his house, and yes, you are moving forward without him.
