If that is the road you are going to take, don't ambush him with it but set a time to talk about it and have a very strict time limit for how long you will discuss it and then stop.
It will be hard and painful. When ex first cheated right after we got married, we never worked through this stuff. I know it needs to be addressed.
Just remember this wasn't him necessarily seeing her as better but easier. Perhaps easier to talk to, easier to get away with being "bad", easier to accept his horrible hours. Again this is all of his stuff, his problems. Probably didn't have a whole lot to do with you.
Just saying. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I can relate to your need to have these conversations with your H. We have had a lot of those conversations. Yes, they are very hard, very painful. But, I know that I could not move on with those unanswered questions. There are just things I need to know. I think our imagination makes it worse than it is a lot of times. But, I have learned from experience that you need to carefully choose the timing of those talks (not when either of you are tired or stressed, not too late at night, not when kids are around etc.) and you have to be able to tell each other when it is too much for you emotionally so you can stop the conversation before it escalates too much.
I can relate to the constant wondering of "who knows that this happened?" and how others might look at you with pity. I can relate to that surreal feeling of having wonderful family time and wondering how in the world he could have allowed this to happen to create such pain when this is what he could have had all along.
Those are feelings/experiences we have that I don't know that our H's will ever fully understand.
Hi girls!! The weekend was ok. I went thru another phase in my head, still facing it. Things look so normal, H is SOOO present in the house, that I find myself getting angry because in/at the "line" of our life there is HUGE break/gap because of his actions. I dont know how to explain it in English. I am watching him in the house and think "it feels as he never left WTF did we all have to go through hell to be here again? Why couldnt he control his little head, his limerence feelings from building up (because he WAS VERY VERY much in love with her), why the hell did he get to live a romance so strong and wait it out, see if it would last or no, to decide if I were good enough?
NOT very productive line of thinking, I know. I guess spending normal family time with him last week and this weekend triggered a lot of things. Especially on Sun morning when we went to one of his friends' house for lunch. Many co workers of his there and I kept wondering if they knew he had an affair, if they see me and think "poor woman, she must be desperate to accept him back". My pride is making me suffer...
As a result, I withdrew, was silent and looked sad I think. he did ask me several times what was wrong but I couldnt get myself to talk to him. I decided I would wait.
K
Totally normal reactions, Maria! SEems like you're in good company. Once they start coming around, you are safe enough to feel the other side - like why the h*ll were you put through all this, for so long...I feel it, I have read others agreeing iwth you. It's so understandable. Please don't be hard on yourself about it.
It's like you just ran a triathalon, are reaching the finish line, and feel EXHAUSTED. So many people here feel like how can the WAS just waltz back in and take up where they left off as if nothing had happened when we had gone through h*ll and they don't seem to acknowledge it.
ANd I know how you feel about the pride issue. I live in an affluent community (although I am middle class) where the women are often like cookie cutouts - STepford WIves. My shame gets the better of me often knowing that word has spread aroudn the other moms and they give me that pitiful look....but I just try to rebuild my own esteem. Hey, I'm dong the best I can. I didn't choose to be left, I'm surviving pretty darn well considering. YOu can give yourself the credit of being viewed by many on these boards as one of the greatest success stories!
Hi Kalni...didn't say I wasn't going to support you. I'm here...and following. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I'm caught up now and have to say I'm proud of you as you keep plugging along. I agree that you seem to continue to be positive when you focus on the things you can control - you.
Try to stay in that mode and continue to work on you and let the rest follow as it will.
I came across a quote about relationships as I've been struggling w/my own personal love disappointments and it made me think of you (and others here), so I'll share it.
Quote:
The power in a relationship lies with the one who needs it the least.
It may or may not work for you, Sunshine, but it made me realize that if I don't keep my own self in line, I'll become needy and dependent on others. So, I look to this to keep me focused on what I can control - me.
That is a very powerful quotation RTL...thank you for that.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Technically speaking, Michele breaks DBing down into 4 stages. And the 4th stage is recommitment.
Many people renew their vows. Take a great romantic second honeymoon. Whatever works for the couple.
I understand about getting things out in the open. I understand about drawing the lines.
I'm more worried about questions that compare Maria to the OW, that compound her H's guilt, that will make him feel like he can never fix it and withdraw.
First of all agreed with above statement. IF he withdraws again, this will be very painful for you Maria.
Secondly, sorry = tiny hijack. Michelle, what are the other three stages MWD talks about? thx
Hi guys and girls!! Rob, what a pleasant surprise!
Yeah, I know that quote, I lived by it many many years. It works like that especially with sex, the person with the lowest drive, determines the frequency etc etc
BUT, I dont want to control our R. I thought I was (not intentionally) for years and look where I am.
I know what I feel is normal. I remember Ali telling me the same thing months ago when she and BF were getting really close, she was feeling this anger creeping in trying to figure out why all this had happened...
I talked to him last night a bit on the phone. He opens up more on the phone. I read somewhere it is standard for "avoiders" (sp), makes it easier on them. I have no problem with that. I think if we can start on the phone we can take it to an eye to eye basis soon.
There is something different I cant pin point. He FEELS more...into me. It's not so much what he does, it's how he sounds, etc etc He said he noticed I was feeling really bad during the weekend and I was with the kids so I said I will send you an email. I did. All my dark thoughts written as politely I could, the email was waiting on my PC for 24 anyway, since Sun night. He said "why didnt you talk to me?" I told him I didnt want to risk the progress we are making because I know he prefers to avoid all difficult discussions. He said he understood that but I should keep in mind that BECAUSE of the progress we both feel we are making, I should give him some credit that he will be willing to talk more and listen more. I thought that was important and that my/your idea of making our interactions safe and then opening up, may be working. Right now consistency is the magic word.
The email wasnt nice. And it was about my feelings, not looking for decisions or anything. Just my feelings and my thoughts. I know he is probably upset now, he came in and I faked sleeping just to allow him some room to breathe and not feel attacked by me. My plan for today is to be calm and sweet, just to show him that I dont want to allow the negatives to affect our process of "piecing".
This is all a mind game. Approximately a month ago I shifted my way of thinking. The impact was huge. Maybe the timing is right (although I have experienced this many times through our 3 year saga, even at the darkest hours), but how I color things, is the way things are. Positive thinking has been my weak point all these years and it feels as this is the final test for me. It's not easy, but it is possible, it doenst come naturally to me, but I think it is worth it. K
