Moving on with my life #2

[Startingover2]

Exh wasn't supposed to be there at all. He was supposed to leave right after we got there for the rest of the weekend. SIL had issues so they didn't go.

[Startingover2]

Been off the boards for a few days. Really helps me not think so much. I miss posting here though when something happens or I am in a bad place, but it seems to make me get over it faster.

Exh is still wanting to be around all the time and show me the 'new him'. No, I don't believe it and I keep telling him that. We went to watch his d15's track meet the other day. Just like old times with everyone there. Baby had fun and it was nice to see d15 run. She has so much talent. We sat with his exinlaws and they sort of asked me what was going on...I said nothing, we just came to watch d15. They said exh told them he was sick of his life the way it was, wants his family back and he was working really hard to show me he is different. I laughed and said sounds nice in fantasy, but we have all heard it before.

Exh wants to be around almost every free moment. He cleaned out a shed last week that I didn't want to touch as somehow it got rat infested, he took things away, and made dinner last night for baby and I. He wanted to stay the night, but I smiled and said 'yeah right. not a chance'. He asked us to go to his other daughters track meet today. Can't go anyway, baby had a long night and I am wondering if she isn't feeling well again?

He hasn't had one beer around me at all. I am not nieve (sp) to think that he is reformed but its nice to see him not drinking on the weekends. Not sure what he does when he goes home though. His deal.

I know its wrong to be spending time with exh and most likely it will blow up in my face We have had so many talks though and its refreshing. We never have even talked like this when we were married.

So, today is a relax day. Need to clean my house. The weather is supposed to be beautiful the rest of the week! YEAH! My son's 17th bday is tomorrow. Not fun when all they want is money. Feels so strange to not get a gift. We are going to bbq for him. I know exh got something for him.

Oh, and I am back walking and eating better this week. I am trying not to get on the scale but once a week so I hope it shows a bit of a loss. I need to lose about 25 pounds.

[25yearsmlc]

What gabbysmom said...and one other thing...I'm stunned & baffled by your choices. You have a short memory or a blurred one.

But I sincerely truly and deeply hope that we are all wrong, and that your insight into this man is now, suddenly, accurate. If not, I hope you get the "courage to change the things you can" b/c I think you need it. Good luck,
j-

[25yearsmlc]

other than visitation, why not say nothing about your R? If he brings it up again, then you tell him that only action + time = change you could believe in AND The time required, if he knows anything about addiction, is 2 years. If he's sober AND healthy in 2 years, see what happens. Til then, nothing but about baby. NOTHING else matters or can, until if and when he's clean and sober and mature. THat will take him at least 2 years b/c the program says otherwise healthy people need that time. He's not healthy.

Would I wait on my life to see his changes in 2 years? Oh Hell no, but for a 100 other reasons having nothing to do with alcohol. It's just that drinking is itself a dealbreaker with THIS guy. So it's simple to explain, and no need to go on or argue about his manipulations, his self centeredness, his abject failure as a father & husband, (did he seem "supportive" to you? OR interested in baby unless it related to HIM?? yeah that's a supremely selfish parent), and his not paying CS enough or on time, & complaining about it too, the VISITATION!!, or lack thereof, the cheating and gossiping & slandering of you, the pathological lying, the public and FB humiliations... See, the drinking was enough for the court to order supervised visits and that says enough. But if you have memories intact, I don't know what you're doing. Why is this man in your life more than the min? Weren't YOU happy a few weeks back when you didn't see him? Oh, he got dumped and now wants to feel better about himself? Since that apparently comes from external factors, you won't possibly be enough for his bottomless pit of need for his frail needy ego and he'll again look elsewhere for validation. NO woman can MAKE him happy and when he sees that again, he won't look INWARD to do it for himself, he'll go off again.
(Honey, you don't look inward for your happiness so it'll be hard to explain to him why he needs to do it, when you have not...I'm sorry, but your self image must suck for you to have forgotten the past 2 years of this man's repeated and various betrayals....)

Look, What's your goal? IF you can say it to your face in the mirror and feel it's actually based on a healthy mature outlook and self esteem, I'd be pleasantly shocked -or I'd say a whole lot has been missing from your posts. But I think your loneliness and neediness greatly cloud your judgement, and these fear based choices, sadly, will create more lonliness and pain and you'll get more of the same, in time. Nothing new on your end, so you've not changed and your once again, putting your future and your baby's safety and future in the hands of the man who has consistently failed to keep his word or make either of you his priority. I believe he can fake it for a month but when the test of time is presented, he'll resent, revert and attack you. ANd this will happen again and again, like a terribly "Groundhog Day" until he meets someone who is easier to manipulate. OR, until you take charge of your life.
Not a lot else to say but hey, if we are all wrong, let us know. It'll be good to be wrong in a case like this. But for you guys to work out, a month of decent or just plain normal behavior is not my idea of success. He has a lot to repair. Surely you know you deserve more. How will you trust this man again? If you cannot, why go thru all this? Let us know in 2 years...heck, let us know in 3-6 months if he can keep it up.
j-

[old theotherhalf]

Hi 25yrs,
glad to see your still here helping others,
i pray that your life is going good for you,
we deserve it don't we?
TOH

[25yearsmlc]

Hi OTH,

yeah we do and yes it is. We've had to deal with issues like mil's recent illness & death, but nothing "internal". So far, so good. Hope you're well--will check your post when I can. Sorry for the hijack s2.
J

[old theotherhalf]

yea I sorry too s2

[S.T. _I Made It!]

hey there, sorry, I'm not coming on here as much either...been here too many years I think.

I do really hope for all of your sakes that H really is trying to change. I do believe that you need to keep your distance, and some boundaries as you can so that things don't get so confusing and up and down for baby. you do know the chances of him going back to his old road is very very high.

However, if you can keep some boundaries but still allow him to be a good person/dad as he should be, and if you can keep your emotions in check, this can be okay.

have you told him that you think it's wonderful that he's becoming a great dad etc, and if he is really wanting his family back that is something that will take a long time, and that you feel it is best that he focus for one year on taking care of himself and making the right choices, and after that you will see how things are.

cause he definitely needs a full year if not 2 years without any R including you, and having some kind of alcohol counseling, before he even thinks of trying to get back his family. and even then, it should be a very very slow process.

[Startingover2]

Thank you ST...I haven't been here at all lately. I miss it, but I think the daily/hourly journaling kept me more stuck. I see your updates on FB...you are doing well.

Exh is a lost and broken soul. I guess some may say he deserves what he is going through now, but its very hard to watch. In the last week, he has broken down and told me and the rest of his family his drinking is way beyond him and completely out of control. This is a huge step for him as he always thought he could manage or control it on his own. He also told me that he was sexually molested and raped by one of his fathers male friends as a child. This doesn't surprise me as most of the other older siblings have been through similar situations. Exh has never talked like this before and avoided all conversations regarding molestation if/when his siblings brought it up. I always had wondered if it happened to him. So has a few of our therapists by the way he acts out sexually (woman to woman etc.) and his knee jerk reactions and decsions...along with the substance abuse. They are all high symptoms of childhood abuse. He was 8 years old when it started and around 10 when it stopped. Makes me sick to think about it. He has someone looking for a good therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist that will help him deal with his addictions and his past. He has great insurance now, so thankfully that will help.

Where do I fit in? Not sure. I told him I will obviously support him in this, but cannot get too close. Its easier said than done though. He is around alot more and baby loves it. By more, I mean on his visit days and longer periods of time. He is helping me do some things around my house too. I know the 'road to hell is paved with good intentions' and these are just words now until he does something..but to me he took a big step coming out like he did and admitting he has a major problem. He knows he will loose his children if he keeps up and also probably die soon as well. He has been to AA meetings every day since last week.

So I go on with my life as best as I can and still encourage him to do well. Life is busy for me too. I am trying like heck to get my studying done at a reasonable rate. I used to get up at 4:30 and work until 6:30 but baby has decided to wake up when the sun comes out at 5:20. Now I work when she goes to bed at night. Not my best time as I am an in bed by 9 kind of girl! I have Bible study, MOPS, mommy groups, and my own kids and their stuff.

Doing ok for now. I just keep praying for the right words and actions.

[Startingover2]

Another week gone by!!! Wow..life is so busy and crazy.

Things are status quo around here. Where as a few months ago I was scrambling for things to do, I have an almost full plate! I really like it that way though.

Baby is great. She is quick, smart, happy, and so fun. I have been getting out a bit more without her too...nothing like late nights, but more like dinners with gf's, movies etc.

Exh is status quo as well. I had a therapy appointment...my mom gave me a few hundred dollars and I decided to put it towards that. Felt really good to go again. I wish I had better insurance to go all the time. She felt that the sich with exh is fine for now. I have no expectations of him coming back and we are just comfortable. She also said that it was nice to see me not be so 'needy and clingy' when it comes to him like I was before. Like I was seeing how things go with him and make a decision rather than stand on my head for him. There is nothing physical going on which is nice. No pressure and he goes home in the evenings. He has brought me flowers, cards and doing nice things...but I am not so stupid to think that the changes are permanent yet. He is still drinking some. Not alot. He has an appointment in the middle of June with a therapist that specializes in addiction and will hopefully follow his recommendations. Baby is happy to have him around, but gets VERY jealous when he hugs me. She smiles and laughs, but always comes to try and get my attention.

Right now we are friends. Fine by me. My kids are happy and ok with it and baby is too.