Divorced, Dating, and Parenting

[lovelyolive]

Lovely Olive - I often think of you and wonder how you are doing as well!

HB!!! I am so glad everything is still going so well for you! I think about you often as well.. I think you mentioned your H worked in the auto industry. Hopefully, everything is good with him. 2009 was a terribly rough year financially for a lot of people.

Anywho.... life is pretty darn good for me. My daughter and I are finding our way after those terrible years of struggle. If nothing else, it feels good to not have to worry about a cheating spouse!

Hey Sol - congrats to your daughter. That is great news!!!

[Lotus]

Sol,

Congratulations on your daughter's achievement. Those gifted programs are worth their weight in gold, and it is essential to start by 6th grade. I remember when my daughter's 6th grade teacher said that they would be using the 7th grade math book in her gifted class. I asked if she would be missing anything by skipping 6th grade math. The teacher just looked at me and shook her head. By doing 7th grade a year early, these kids got Algebra 1 in 8th grade and by the end of high school were getting college credit for math and science classes. Of course, a lot of those kids got college scholarships. My daughter didn't get a college scholarship. But when she finished college, she got into a top grad school for her PhD program on a fellowship. And we trace it all back to the teacher who threw away the 6th grade book!

[~Sol]

Olive - thank you very much!! I hope you are doing good.

Lotus - I am just ecstatic that my D is starting her gifted school, it's a big deal to all of us, but I am just so relieved that my X is on board finally with this. I shutter to think of all the opportunities my D would be missing out on becuase my X was being ultra-selfish just to keep D "close to her own school district". That to me is not a good reason to prevent a young motivated 5th grader from achieving something great. But again, I'm glad the X saw the "light". Thank you also!!

[Lotus]

Sol,

This really is the start of a leg up in both college and graduate school. I told you my daughter's experience of doing gifted and getting a full-semester of college credit before high school graduation, saving us money there. But as good as gifted was, it didn't compare to what her friend from Houston had with a high school dedicated to preparation for medical professions (also limited to gifted kids). Of all the kids my daughter knew who wanted to be veterinarians, those who were in honors classes in high school changed majors out of pre-veterinary early in their college careers, the gifted kids finished pre-vet but had trouble getting into vet school and were getting masters degrees in related fields and applying again. But the girl who went to the pre-medical high school and had Organic Chemistry and other pre-med classes in high school had the best background. She was the one, of very few my daughter knew, who got into a top vet school. There is no way to catch up in college to kids who have already had the required classes while in high school.

[~Sol]

Hi Lotus, thanks for that insight! I guess we are fortunate that my daughter is getting this kind of head start in the 6th grade. She will have all the resources she will need. I heard that we also have a prestigious high school program she can enroll in, so she'll be in high school part time, then go to her gifted classes - but we need to learn more about that. For now my daughter is just happy to apply, I'm sure she'll be accepted. Which reminds me - I need to deliver her referral letter to that school in the morning!

[~Sol]

Just thought I would post what I feel today. After hearing the news about Jesse James and Sandra Bullock (always been a fan of Sandra) - I thought about what was said about her hooking up with a "bad boy" - if you are with someone that is a bad boy/bad girl then you will have a bad relationship. And if you are with someone that is a good boy/good girl then you will have a good relationship (for the most part). Hmm, kinda makes sense doesn't it? So it got me thinking about who I might end up with - will this new person cheat on me? Will I? After going through it one time, I can say that I do not wish in a million years to have to go through that again. Whenever I hear about other couples going through an affair - I cringe. And then there's the question - why do they do it in the first place? (I kinda know why - that was a rhetorical question) If I am with someone that is not a habitual cheater (ie: a normal person), and we work on keeping the relationship healthy - then there is no reason to cheat if both people are are doing what they need to be doing, right?

Anyways - just thought I'd get it off my chest.

[whatisis]

Sol, I know we all like to think that if we do this or that this horrible part of our lives will not be repeated. Yet, bottom line is that we are all flawed, even the best of us. No one can ever predict what will come from what we do. How about the person who looks after himself, is physically active, watches his/her diet and leads a healthy lifestyle and then dies of cancer! They did it all right but the bad thing happened anyway. There are no guarantees that the person we become involved in next will not do something hurtful, it's impossible to know, that's what makes stepping out and trying again so courageous. There are absolutely no guarantees! My Pastor once said to me "In this job I've learned one thing, in difficult circumstances good people can do some really bad things" What will be will be...no guarantees. I always, up until the last few years, thought my marriage was solid and my wife loved me...so much for knowing anything, I guess! You'll take that step towards someone again when you're ready, no rush.

[ClingingToHope]

Sol, when I first separated I felt sure that either we'd get back together or I'd find somebody else and get married again.

I'm starting to wonder now about the getting married again -- especially while the girls are growing up.

There's the time constraints, not wanting to cheat someone -- either a new person or the girls out of my attention.

And then there's the feeling of never wanting to have to go through this again. I was in a divorce support group where everyone but me and another lady was going through their second divorce.

Wow. Twice. They seemed remarkably unaffected by the second one.

Of course, lightning may strike tomorrow and I fall all over again and then who knows how it will turn out.

[~Sol]

Thanks Wii for that insight provided. Sometimes I get blindsided by whats going on that it seems like chaos and insanity is the norm in the world. In due time indeed! I still find myself going back to online dating - it works, but it's not perfect. At first there is the excitement of meeting someone new, but then you get to meet and know them over time, and then you get to see if they are truly compatible or not. But I found that it's one thing to meet them "online" and quite another to meet them in the flesh!! And I learned not to settle for just anyone!

Hi Clinging, so it's true about most second marriages ending in divorce. I guess these people just rushed into something without first healing from the first one. I think we feel an emptiness inside that is just harder to fill when coming out of a long R, and we want to fill that void up so badly, that we jump at and marry the first person that seems to fill that void, only to find out later that its just a temporary fix and doesn't really add any true substance to the R - becuase we never really had time to heal or re-learn what it means to really love and give to someone? At this point, I can say that I thought I was ready for something - but I am not ready for a serious commitment of any kind at the moment - I'm afraid of it to be honest. I understand how you feel, totally, with the time constraints of kids, uncertainty of meeting the right person, making a second (and hopefully final) marriage work. It's interesting that you pointed out that the second divorcees seemed unaffected by their divorces, like it was a typical thing to experience. It's as if they've gotten emotionally hardened and drained from another experience of a divorce.

Well I have my good days and still have my bad ones. On my bad ones, I usually sulk around and just pity myself (sad I know), and on my good days I am the fun person most people know me as, and I have hope and a positive outlook. I try to weigh both extremes, and not look at my past marriage and R as a total failure, but as an experience from life, and I hope that the lessons of pain, love and struggles of being in a R can help me in the future and also help to pass on good advice to my daughter when she goes through her struggles in life. I constantly think about the kind of life my daughter will have, and how her relationships with others will be, especially when she gets married. I know I didn't have the tools or know-how to have a good R, let alone pick the right person in the first place, but like Wii said, even that can get out of whack and we need to learn from it and go on. Somehow I believe my daughter will do just fine - she's a smart kid and has a good head on her shoulders, and her heart is in the right place. I'm sure she will make the right friends to get through in life, and I guess that I too will be OK as time goes on. Every new day is a blessing in that we heal just a little bit more.

[~Sol]

New day, new week ahead!

I'm reconsidering online dating again but not until I attain new job skills and perfect them.

I'm thinking about using a Russian Mail-Order Bride service.