I have watched for months on here as advice has been given to LBS to go out & date or at minimum be 'elusive' in your whereabouts in order to evoke feelings of loss or more specifically jealousy in the WAS.
I am a big fan of Steven Stosny's work. He is the author of How to save your marriage without talking about it, and Love without hurt. I have great respect for his viewpoint on relationships and the need for both parties to understand, develop and live by their core values.
One of his blog posts deal with 'jealousy' in relationships and I think that anyone who is considering evoking jealousy as a DB technique should read & contemplate it.
Peace Bridge
========= Simple jealousy starts as a feeling of discomfort at the prospect of losing reward or affection to someone else. In complex jealousy, the prospect of loss feels like unjustifiable self-diminishment; you become smaller and less valuable, because someone is manipulating or betraying you.
Simple jealousy motivates reward/affection-seeking behavior - you try to be more cooperative, helpful, or loving, and that usually gets a positive response sufficient to alleviate the discomfort. Complex jealousy motivates attack, either overtly or in your head. It makes you devalue and try to control others, which invariably makes things worse.
Simple jealousy first emerges in toddlerhood, typically when the child witnesses parents showing affection to each other or to another child. The toddler at first squeezes between the embracing adults and tries to be as cute and lovable as possible. The arrival of a sibling often causes regression to things like bedwetting and less mature speech. Regression is, in part, an attempt to seem more lovable to the distracted parents: "Babies turn you on? I can do that, too."
Simple jealousy functions in many adult relationships as a kind of distance-regulator. When the partners drift apart, the pang of jealousy motivates more attention and connecting behavior. It can occur frequently when the relationship is most insecure, particularly in the early stages of emotional bonding, when the parties feel the most vulnerable to rejection. It goes largely unnoticed at that time, because they follow the natural motivation to be more loving. They reconnect, and the jealousy immediately recedes.
When the parties cannot reconnect, simple jealousy fails to function. Once resentment takes over the relationship and systematically blocks connection, simple jealousy fades into more generalized negative feelings for each other. It's not a good sign when resentment replaces jealousy. Contempt will soon follow.
Simple Jealousy Expresses Value; Complex Jealousy Drives You Crazy Simple jealousy raises the value of the loved one - you want more of him or her. Complex jealousy devalues the loved one - you want to control, punish, or avoid.
Simple jealousy is good for a relationship. Most people would not want a lover who could care less if they slept with everyone on the men's and women's hockey teams. But even simple jealousy must be limited to small doses. Think of it as a concentrated acid that needs lots of dilution to be effective without doing harm. Complex jealousy never comes in small doses and eventually eats through the heart of the relationship.
Rising and falling on the ebb and flow of intense feelings-states, complex jealousy has a palpable Jekyll & Hyde quality. When you feel close to your partner, you can't imagine ever feeling jealous - "How could I have thought those ugly things," or, "He is so wonderful, how could I ever imagine he'd betray me!" But once the feelings of closeness ebb, the obsessions return, and you feel and act like a completely different person.
Complex jealousy has an obessional quality to it - you can't stop thinking about incidents - real or imagined - that invoke it. Obsessions impair reality-testing. If they persist, you can become paranoid, delusional, or hallucinatory.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
wow... that was very insightful.... my H had mentioned my jealousy as something that he didnt like in our M... reading this, I may have had borderline complex jealousy issues....
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
The simple variety occurs in all relationships. Absent chronic resentment, this minor form of jealousy motivates the partners to reconnect. The current post describes how to regulate complex jealousy, before it destroys your relationships and drives you crazy.
Simple Jealousy Can Get Complicated Relationship dynamics can complicate even simple jealousy, especially when the parties are insensitive to each other's different personality traits and temperamental qualities. For instance, an introverted partner is likely to disagree with an extroverted partner's interpretation of "appropriate" interactions with the opposite sex.
What is honest "friendliness" for one can seem "flirtatious" to the other. What sincerely feels like "consideration" to one: "You should show me respect," honestly feels like "control" or even "oppression" to the other - "You don't want me to be friendly! You don't want me to be who I am! You're trying to keep me down!"
This is still simple jealousy, without the paranoid or obsessional nuances of its darker cousin. The introverted partner is neither accusing the other of infidelity nor obsessing about the friendliness of the more sociable partner.
It is really a classic temperamental error that occurs in most relationships: judging your partner by how you would react, even though your partner has a different temperament, different experiences, and different developmental and emotional history.
Though we're all tempted to do this, it's really a form of narcissism - the way I would react is the standard for all decent people; so you have to conform to what I think is appropriate.
Reconciling disputes born of temperamental differences is another subject. In short, it requires binocular vision - the ability to see your partner's perspective alongside your own, indeed, to see the world through his/her eyes at the same time you see it through your own.
Binocular vision, perhaps the most important of relationship skills, makes the world seem richer and more dynamic. Failure of binocular vision creates a reactive narcissism (you're incapable of seeing your loved one apart from how you feel about him/her) and, of course, more jealousy.
Disarming Complex Jealousy
1. Don't trust obsessions.
They greatly distort reality. If you can't stop thinking about your partner flirting with someone else, you must distrust the thought process. The longer obsessive thinking goes on, the more certain you become and the more likely you are wrong.
2. Regulate core hurts.
The primary component of complex jealousy is self-diminishment - you feel unlovable and inadequate as an intimate partner. These "core hurts" give rise to the obsessions. If, in my heart, I don't believe that I am worthy of love, how can I believe someone who says she loves me? I will assume that she doesn't know the real me, or she wants something else (my money, house, car, or socks), or she wants someone else. Because I cannot possibly be enough for her, I will look for "clues" that she is seeking fulfillment somewhere else. Many studies show that whatever the brain looks for, it will find.
When attacked by the painful feeling of unworthiness, before it stimulates a cycle of obsessions and revenge motives, ask yourself out loud:
"What can I do to feel more lovable and adequate?"
Just uttering the words will make it clear that devaluing, belittling, hassling, or punishing your loved one is unlikely to make you feel like a lovable and adequate partner.
To feel worthy of love and adequate as an attachment figure, begin by trying as hard as you can to see the world through your partner's eyes and to feel what it's like in his/her shoes. Appreciate that he/she probably feels unlovable and inadequate as well. Think of what you can do to help the both of you feel more worthy of love.
3. Focus on compassion, not trust.
If you have suffered from complex jealousy, you don't have the confidence to trust. Focus instead on compassion for yourself and your loved one. Compassion, an important component of your core values, is sympathy for core hurts, with a motivation to heal, improve, appreciate, connect, or protect. Trust will eventually return, after a long period of self-compassion and compassion for loved ones. But it will fall apart almost immediately if you try to trust without a great deal of sustained compassion.
4. Follow the self-correcting motivation of simple jealousy.
Be more compassionate, supportive, cooperative, and loving. Be mindful of the assets your partner brings to the relationship. Think of what you can do at this moment to make your relationship stronger.
Over time, this determined effort to strengthen your relationship will alleviate much of complex jealousy. But if it has become a habit, i.e., a conditioned response to feeling inadequate or unlovable, you may need a course in core value and emotional reconditioning or focused psychotherapy to make significant changes.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
