I posted last week for the first time in MONTHS. Some of my old DB friends were asking for an update so here it is. I tried to keep it short but don't think I succeeded!
We’re still waiting on the legal sitch to be over. Well, at least that’s what he is still telling me. The DWI was thrown out due to lack of evidence. Now we’re down to who is going to pay OWs medical bills. We’re waiting on her insurance company to decide if they will pay anything.
Last January I discovered they were still being intimate. This was quite an accidental discovery but ever since then, things between H and I have deteriorated. He continued to deny it even when I said I knew. We have not ML in months. I told him I could not be intimate with him if he was having any sort of R with OW. He continued to deny, deny, deny.
In the fall, when he was supposed to be out of town, he was seen in town, with other woman in his work van. This was a Friday night. I was suspicious about a weekend work trip from the get-go so I followed my gut and went looking. Found his van at a hotel about 20 min away. Busted!
I called him that night after I had settled down. Got his voicemail but told him I was astounded at the complexity of his lies. He called me back and said she was threatening him so he needed to spend some time with her. Honestly I never know what to believe any more. I’ve tried talking to him but he shuts down! I could on for hours and the only comments I would get are “I understand” or “I don’t blame you.”
It was upsetting but at least I had confirmation on their intimacy. It actually was a relief to know the truth.
Fast forward to present day...
A couple of weekends ago, my daughter and I were out of town. She plays the flute, is very good, wants to pursue some type of music career, so when her private teacher told us about a flute fair in the DC area, D said she wanted to go. D wanted to upgrade her flute and we were told this was THE best place to get a great selection. It was long enough of a drive to warrant a hotel stay so I booked a room for 2 nights. H did not – would not -- go.
I was nervous what he would do alone all weekend. I talked to him about it and he assured me he would be alone. I assured him that having OW in our home would be THE last straw for me. He said I could have the house watched if I wanted to – she would not be there.
I did not arrange for anyone to watch the house but what I did do was buy a voice activated recorder. I turned it on and hid it before walking out the door at 4 pm on Friday. I just wanted to make sure SHE was not in our house. Unfortunately the recorder was full before Saturday night arrived, but I did hear some interesting conversations (or at least one side of them). Including intimate comments; scheming on how they could get together without being seen so it looked like he was home. Unbelievable.
I confronted him the same week. Told him I could not do this any longer. I wanted to go over the budget and see what I needed to live in our home, and what would be left for him to live on if he moved out. He would rather not move out. Says financially it’s a crucial time. He’s right, D will be off to college in 1.5 years and we have college visits to plan, but we’ll find a way. He asked me if I wanted to date! HUH!?
I’ve lived with H’s A and OW in my life for nearly 3 years. I was determined to wait until the legal sitch was over to give us a fair chance – a level playing field. Perhaps even do Retrovaille. But who knew it was drag on for so long? I think the cards were stacked against me from the beginning but I refused to see it. I’ve turned into a timid, scared person living in a shell, hiding away from the world, who feels useless and unlovable. It’s horrible.
Since last week, H and I have are no further along in making a decision to separate or not. But he has been very nice to me, doing little favors for me, etc. Wonder why he’s doing that? (Like I don’t know.) The ball is in my court and I have not made a decision. I think am closer to it, but crossing that Rubicon is scary as hell!
Joie, I am so sorry you are being put through this. You DO deserve better.
My nightmare ended in D a little over a year ago. While I am sad it ended, it certainly showed me what my ex is capable of. Unbeknownst to me, until fairly recently, his ow got pregnant not many months into their A. So there was a shotgun wedding not long after our D.
I had already relocated for a new job and was at least glad to be away. I just hate finding out more icky details after the fact.
Joie! I cannot believe he is still with that ow! I remember seeing a picture of her.. YUCK!!! He is crazy!
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know what you mean about feeling like a shell of the person you used to be. I will tell you, though, that even if things don't turn out like you want them to, ANYTHING is better than continuing to live with the lies and deceipt of the A.
I am sorry to see you back here. I think things were just starting to work out for you when I came here. Limbo is awful. Three years of hell were enough for me.
You know that you don't deserve this. Think about how you want your life to be and I will bet it isn't like this. Take a deep breath and hang on because here you go.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Joie, I understand where you are coming from. I lived with the lies and hurt for so long. I fought so long to save my marriage, but eventually came to the conclusion that it takes two people to save a marriage, which he was not trying to do.
I have discovered being "single" is not such a bad thing. I'm to the point now I wonder if I would be able to live with someone again...lol. I'm sure if Mr. Right were to come along I may be able to do it.
You deserve so much more than he is giving you. I just don't understand how they can look you in they eye and tell lie after lie for so many years, but I lived it too.
Live life for you and your daughter. He needs to be accountable for his actions. You have tried so hard for so long. He is being a cake eater as my husband was for so long. It's just hard to accept it, when the person who promised to love and protect you does it.
Email me anytime you need to vent. I'm here for you. Life does get better. I'm living proof of that. It's so nice not walking on eggshells anymore.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
You do deserve better!!! He is a total cake-eater! Don't let him talk you into anything you don't want to do.
I think you are the strongest person I know. To go through 3 years of this; that is unbelievably strong and brave! You have done everything you could; I agree with Yoyo, it takes two people eventually to make a M.
I also agree that no longer having to walk on eggshells is a relief. The peace and serenity I feel now is something I didn't have for a long time. I was sad and such low PMA for so long; I felt better and stronger after getting separated and more so as time goes on. I think that is probably true for many of us.
I don't have much advice to offer, but you have all my support!!! ((((((Joie)))))))
My heartfelt thanks goes out to everyone! Shame on me for forgetting what wonderful friends I had here! I'll try to stick around. God knows it would help my anxiety -- which is sky high at the moment!
Apparently I'll be getting an update tonight from H regarding the legal sitch so that may bear some weight on whatever I decide next.
The strength that has kept me going for the last 2 yrs 8 months is gone. I can't do much more.
Thanks from the bottom of my broken heart, Joie
p.s. For those of you who were or are on an anti-anxiety med, did you get that 'script from a therapist? I'm considering that but at the moment, am not seeing anyone.
Kimmie -- didn't see a recent thread for you. You certainly went through the ringer ... a pregnancy and a shot gun wedding! I think having a fresh start, in a new location, with a new job is certainly one way to move on. I hope you're enjoying your fresh start.
