These are in MWD's book Divorce Remedy, but I felt they had to be posted as a reminder, i have seen a lot of instances of not remembering these powerful warnings Michele offers on pp 139-140 of her Text
Mandatory Don'ts When Divorce Busting
1. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever in your whole life and are despreate and needy.
2. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
3. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because s/he is hurting and scared.
4. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
5. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.
These warnings are well worth heeding, and certainly worth my taking the time to type them out and put them up here for everyone as a reminder.
I have read so many cases here of people failing to follow these warnings... and it DOES do damage when you don't heed these warnings. Damage that is reparable, but damage that does add to the work of winning your marriage back.
And no one wants to divorce-bust any longer than they absolutely have to.
It is so hard not to get upset when OW confronts you in a bar. Telling me I am the reason my d12 won't see her dad. That the reason H hasn't file for divorce is because he can't afford it. I freaked out at him, cried, hysterical. I was very proud for how I handled myself with her. She is now lying about things my d12 is saying to get my H further on her side. My H has been out of the house for 6 weeks. 3 weeks we were working on things, or so I thought. They'd been talking for a month before he moved out. AND now she has to fight to keep him? She called him right in front of me as if they'd been together for years! Tell me again how to handle this? Because I don't know if I can keep this up. He went right from my house to hers Sunday night after all this happened. Parked his car a block away. I called him, he lied said he was at home. He keeps saying he knows what he is doing is wrong, but he needs to do things his way. I said are we just done, is this it, he said no, I need to clear my head and do things my way for once....again, he goes right to her house after this. How can my own H do this to me and to our children? And why should I hang on to a man who does this? What should I do?
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Allen what about no relationship talk? Is that one of them too?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
She does mention this throughout the book in places ,but no it never made the top five here...
ANd I woudl bet it woudl DEPEND
I would THINK she would tell you if your SPOUSE wants to tell you about how she or he has been feeling, she would likely tell you to LISTEN and let him rip... but I also bet she would say that you let it go if he doesn't want to talk anymore...
Basically you just let what they want to say be, and otherwise you back off
I gathered from one of her books that you don't bring up the relationship- as a way to not pressure or push closer to divorce. (I get that it is different with LRT when you state you need no contact unless it is to talk about renewing your marriage or divorce)
BUt I don't have the books handy at the moment so I can't quote it! I just have been following this rule since 10/15/09!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I will crack the book open if tha'ts one you are interested in... I just typed out the whole page from the book is all... she does mention R talk and the hazzards elsewhere in the book, but it didn't make that top five list she put in teh book...
I do suspect its because she's not fully against R talk if its constructive and the spouse initiates it
If its just negative crap about divorce and separation, I would reccomend just getting up and walking away
If they press the matter you just say - I made a commitment and I will NOT engage in this kind of conversation.. its against everything I promised myself and everything I promised you.
Another technique. Have the talk. But you ONLY LISTEN (what you resist persists). Then....tell them you really want to make sure you've heard him/her and their concerns....whatever.
RESIST THE URGE to give your opinion.
DO ask questions that show you are really listening, clarify their point.
NEVER SAY....I'm sorry you feel that way.... things of that nature. Some folks say it is validating....it is antivalidating...it means you are hell bent on your point.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Just read your comments on another thread Allen....
Originally Posted By: Allen A
Penny has, on her forums written that she has a lot of disagreements with MWD on the subject of infidelity. Within building a healthy and lasting marriage she raves about MWD, but PT has a much more aggressive stance on infidelity and is 100% in line with it being an addiction.
That's a big part of the original debate in the other thread, what is more effective in combatting infidelity - bcoming the perfect partner or playing hardball?
And yes, you like many people (including myself) who read MWD try the softball approach and end up frustrated or in some cases (mine) physically ill.
I wasted a lot of time using Bo-Peep until I was so ill i went to a doctor. And I NEVER see a doctor, I despise them.
The resentment does build up yes... PT comments on this too, the protection phase isn't just for you, its for your spouse and for your marriage.. in her view having regular exposure during an affair erodes YOUR respect for yourself, your spouse, and your hope for your marriage.
Further your spouse is exposed to that negative energy and watches your hope fade and it just makes things worse for them too.. they can FEEL the resentment building... protecting your spouse from that gives them a more positive view of you.
In a way, it might be best to do Bo-Peep long enough to leave your spouse with a good last impression and then to go into protection phase... rather than going in there looking like a miserable hag so to speak.. which can happen.
Allen, would appreciate your advice on what one should do when you don't know and are finding it really hard to find out if the A has ended? So whether to go Bo-peep mode or go the Protection phase way with letter ?
When asked if the 6 week P/A was over, WH said to me first "it's over- we renounced the r'ship", then one month later, "It's not over, i still love her", then 2 weeks ago, "there is no relationship".
???
OW lives 10,000kms away from us today, so difficult to snoop/verify.
WH's mantra has also been "It's none of your buinesss: I won't tell you when my last contact with her was/what my plans are/It's MY intimacy".
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
