Just to elaborate on the last bit of my post. I realised that I became totally co-dependant on my wife - for everything, my happiness, my self worth, finances. Everything I felt or needed depended on her. Now looking back on it, there is no person alive that would want to bear that burden - to be someone elses everything. Pity you always wake up too late to realise just how far down the line you have let yourself slip. It is terrible for your self esteem, when you finally get knocked back down to earth and realise where you are. The fact that I was abusing alchohol whilst on medication for my bi-polar was a big contributing factor to the state of mind I was in, and now that I am sober and doing much better psycologically I realise just how close I was to total self destruction. Not something any wife or family deserve. So basically I know how much I screwed up.I never used to be like this, I used to be a pretty good guy -thats why my wife stayed with me all these years. What I would like is some practical advice not only to salvage my marriage, but for me. I have ordered DR but it will only be arriving in about 2 weeks. Is this the right book for me to be reading or should I have gotten DBing or both.
DR is just a better organized version of DB. I would always suggest reading DR first, and DB if you want more clarification, but it's a harder read.
WOW, you're dealing with a lot of emotional baggage also. I can see why she's got a wall up. Sounds like you have a lot of work on you to do. Don't despair, we all do in one way or another. Just set goals. Your goals are going to be very important or else you will feel mired in guilt with no out. Set easily achieved goals, focus on getting a life and becoming the man you want to be, someone she'd be proud to be with. Write them down and post them, and we'll help you out with them.
Thanks rottzilla, I have actually realize that what you say I need to do is, well... exactly what I need to do. The worst thing about it is: one day you will wake up feeling all positive, ready to prove to yourself that you can do it and everything is going to be ok, and then then the very next day you will wake up feeling like the most worthless person on the face of the earth. The part I am also finding almost impossible to do is putting on that happy face when I do have contact with my wife. It is so difficult to pretend to be happy when you feel awful inside. and what makes it even more difficult is that I know it is one of the most important things for me to do, because she says that I am always so miserable when she sees me and it created a tense atmosphere in the home. This is one of the things that made her unhappy throught our relationship so I think changing that is very important - its just so hard.
I need a little advice here. I have already mentioned about my W contact with OM. We spoke the other day and I told her I saw the pics from sisters Bday party and asked who the guy in the photos was. She said it was him. I told her that I could see by his body language that he was interested in bieng more than just friends. I told her that if she wants to go out and have an affair then I couldn't stop her, but she must just remember that doing something like this would be the worst thing for her to do right now. Not just for me but for her. I also told her that she must also remember that he too is married with 2 children and does she really want to go there? As I said before she says she needs to be by herself right now and work on "finding herself again" and I told her that how can she work on herself if she is pouring all her energy into having an affair with OM. She said she knows this. She also said she hardly sees him anyway. Just to clarify - they dont work in the same office so she doesn't see him everyday, which means when she does see him it has to be organised between them. I also mentioned something obout the other OM (the one she contacts every now and then on FB) which she has sent messages to a few times already this yr and 1 message just the day before I spoke to her about this. She sad she hasn't contacted him in long and told me that the last time she heard from him on FB was almost a year ago and she told me about it( I do vaugely remember it). so I asked her "so you haven't made contact with him at all lately?" she said no "not at all this year?" she said no. She was on her way to work and I left it at that. The thing that hit me hardest was. I always thought she was (and I think she was)a very honest person, and bieng truthfull was very high up on her list of moral values. But here she was looking me straight in the eyes and lying to me. By the content of the FB messages, it doesnt sound like she has actually seen him, but the fact that she lied to me about him makes me wonder where it is going. Anyway I am more concerned about the other guy. I just dont know what to do. Do I confront her with evidence that she has been making contact and that I know that she is lying to me about things and it is not acceptable. Or doI bide my time until I have concrete proof because at the moment I dont have any proof that she is having an A with anyone, although I do consider her relationship with her work friend an EA. I would really appreciate some input on this one. Thanks
Do I confront her with evidence that she has been making contact and that I know that she is lying to me about things and it is not acceptable. Or doI bide my time until I have concrete proof because at the moment I dont have any proof that she is having an A with anyone, although I do consider her relationship with her work friend an EA. I would really appreciate some input on this one. Thanks
"W, your contact with these other men is inappropriate for a married woman, destructive to our relationship and disrespectful to me. I want to work on making our M better for both of us - I want to be a better husband to you - and I want you to be a better wife to me. In order for me to go forward in a M with you, you will have to stop contact with these two other men and be transparent about it. If you are not willing to do that, I will take steps to protect myself."
Let her answer.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Thanks for your response Greek. The problem is: She doesnt want to be in a relationship with me right now. Every now and then she hint that she has not totally ruled out reconsiliation. But other times she will say that there isn't a chance. She holds all the cards here. So with that in mind how do I go about approaching her. Thanks
You go about approaching her exactly the way I said post before yours. You declare the boundary and you live within it. If she crosses the line you draw, you interview lawyers b/c you will not have an open marriage. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
