This is from a post on one of my threads. I thought it might help at least one person here:
You're right nds. Detachment is the key. In hindsight I know what I did wrong.
1. Didn't GAL 2. Didn't detach enough. Fooled myself into thinking that I was. 3. Pushed too hard for her to work on her issues. Even confronted her a few times when they came out in all their glory. 4. Backslid too many times based on her inappropriate behavior that I called her on 5. Was way too clingy/desperate when the bomb dropped. This is one of the biggest ones that hurt my chances. Alot of damage was done in that first month and a half.
So for any newbies - DETACH like you will die if you don't. It's kind of a catch 22 though. I didn't know what detaching really was until recently - and it took my W saying she wanted a D to actually get me to the point where I actually understood what detachment really meant.
To me (now) detachment means:
1. To not care what the outcome will be. And I mean really not care - not just lip service because it's not heading south. When my sitch was heading north, it was easy to convince myself I was detached because the horizon looked good. It was a false sense of detachment, it was actually comfortability disguised as detachment - because it looked like it was going to work out the way I wanted it to.
The only way you'll know that you're really detached is that no matter which way the situation seems to be headed you will feel the same way - no rollercoaster ride. If you get there, then you're really detached.
2. To detach from your own feelings about the situation. Don't let your feelings dictate how you are going to feel/act or what you're going to say. As a LBS our feelings are often attached to our spouse in such an unhealthy way that we are focused more on interpreting their actions, guessing their thoughts and feelings, trying to control their thoughts/feelings/actions by what we do/say.
I see it so much in my behavior over the last 9 months since the bomb dropped. I used WAY TOO MUCH energy thinking about things that I couldn't control, thinking about the future by doing negative projection, trying to take the temperature of the sitch, trying to guess what my W was thinking/feeling, interpreting her behaviors and trying to establish a connection between her actions and her thoughts/feelings. I have to say, I never guessed right. So put an end to it RIGHT NOW.
3. To detach from your spouse. And I mean really detach. When you: Aren't thinking about what she may be thinking, aren't concerned about what she is doing, aren't snooping to find out information, aren't trying to gauge which direction she is heading in relation to your sitch, aren't adjusting your actions to have an 'effect' on your W, aren't doing things to elicit a response, aren't focused on her issues, aren't focused on her behavior, aren't gauging your self-worth based on what you perceive to be her feelings about you - then you'll know you have detached from her.
When you get a life for yourself. Do the things you like to do without any thought of how it will in some way 'improve' your chances of reconciliation. When you stand up and keep your head high no matter what is going on around you. When you not only believe, but you actually KNOW that you will be fine no matter what the outcome. Then you will have detached.
Anything else is a false sense of detachment. It will be many things disguised as detachment. So be wary of when you think you are detached. If things head south, then you'll really know if you are or not.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Detachment is the key. In hindsight I know what I did wrong.
1. Didn't GAL 2. Didn't detach enough. Fooled myself into thinking that I was. 3. Pushed too hard for her to work on her issues. Even confronted her a few times when they came out in all their glory. 4. Backslid too many times based on her inappropriate behavior that I called her on 5. Was way too clingy/desperate when the bomb dropped. This is one of the biggest ones that hurt my chances.
Made all the same mistakes.
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
When you not only believe, but you actually KNOW that you will be fine no matter what the outcome.
Amen brother. Good to hear from you.
When I literally picked myself off the floor I would hit my chest with my fist and say out loud, "I can handle it." You have a choice in your actions.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Great post steady. I went through the exact same thing. It's still difficult, but I have to remain focused, or otherwise you catch yourself backsliding.
M:39 W:37 Together: 16 years Married: 11 years Bomb: May '09 (ILYBNILWY) Moved out: Nov '09 D: 10, 8, 4
1. Didn't GAL 2. Didn't detach enough. Fooled myself into thinking that I was. 3. Pushed too hard for her to work on her issues. Even confronted her a few times when they came out in all their glory. 4. Backslid too many times based on her inappropriate behavior that I called her on 5. Was way too clingy/desperate when the bomb dropped. This is one of the biggest ones that hurt my chances. Alot of damage was done in that first month and a half.
And me too...made all those mistakes. Was too shocked and in pain. But think I am getting there....
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Incredible post and a big lesson for me in this as it explains why I have had such a hard week after my W made it clear this weekend that we are still in very rough seas right now. After reading this, I realized that the sense of detachment that I was feeling was indeed my confidence that things were going to work out like I wanted (W wants to R)instead of things are going to work out for me no matter what.
I realize now that there is a big difference in these two types of confidence.
After a hiatus I've decided to come back and try to help others as I was helped by you, Mike, nds, Distressed, Tango Whiskey, Wifey, etc..
I can give back by using my hindsight as an example of what/what not to do.
Coach, I still have one of your posts that I copied small and put in my wallet..lol.
It intrigues me to see that detachment comes at it's own time. For some it comes sooner, others later, and for some, not at all. It seemed to just creep up on me one day. As I look back now it was a process that seemed to always be marching forward - sometimes in big leaps that were noticeable and sometimes in microscopic steps which I didn't even see at all.
I wish there was some magic words or ritual that I could give all the new people here so they can get the level of detachment that's necessary for each of their situations.
Perhaps we each need to go through the suffering that brings that detachment on its own. Maybe the point of detachment is the lesson that pulls us out of a codependent need to cling to another person. I certainly know the sitch's provide us all an opportunity to awaken to life itself. Most of us were asleep and were awoken by a bomb...but I count us as the lucky ones. Imagine those people who get bombed but still don't wake up.
At least here you have the opportunity to grow, to learn, to mature into an adult who can look a mess in the eye and put your nose to the grindstone. Moving even though at times you feel like you are frozen in amber.
Find ways to bring detachment to yourself.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Coach, I still have one of your posts that I copied small and put in my wallet
In case you ever run out of TP?
The Greek wants to know what I could have possibly said that was worth keeping (me too)?
Quote:
It intrigues me to see that detachment comes at it's own time. For some it comes sooner, others later, and for some, not at all. It seemed to just creep up on me one day. As I look back now it was a process that seemed to always be marching forward - sometimes in big leaps that were noticeable and sometimes in microscopic steps which I didn't even see at all.
I wish there was some magic words or ritual that I could give all the new people here so they can get the level of detachment that's necessary for each of their situations.
Perhaps we each need to go through the suffering that brings that detachment on its own. Maybe the point of detachment is the lesson that pulls us out of a codependent need to cling to another person. I certainly know the sitch's provide us all an opportunity to awaken to life itself. Most of us were asleep and were awoken by a bomb...but I count us as the lucky ones. Imagine those people who get bombed but still don't wake up.
At least here you have the opportunity to grow, to learn, to mature into an adult who can look a mess in the eye and put your nose to the grindstone. Moving even though at times you feel like you are frozen in amber.
Find ways to bring detachment to yourself.
That's good stuff.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
