Dear Lord, please bless my marriage and put an end to the enemy's attack on it.
Please help me everyone. I moved here from newcomers. Just confirmed tonight that my H is having a PA with a woman he reunited with at his high school reunion. I'm no stranger to DB - I've been here before and busted the divorce... only to forget and be put back on here. I have several things running through my mind right now.
1. Just found out... should I wait before taking action? Or do what I think. 2. He introduced her to two friends, one was the best man at our wedding. MIL and FIL are willing to go to the best man's house and all of us tell him to please not accept her until and if he and I are divorced. I think he's upstanding enough to go for it. SHOULD I DO THIS? 3. Do I expose that I know of the affair to him? WE ARE GOING TO RETROUVAILLE ON 4/16 AND I WAS REALLY HOPING THAT IT WOULD HEAL US. 4. MIL says she will not take him back in if he leaves me 5. DO I EXPOSE A TO THE OW'S H? 6. MIL and FIL agreed to let me stay here and hide out for a few days without letting H know where I am. (see thinking on this at the end of post)
We have been in a lot of pain in our R and I know this. He clearly has all the love chemicals going on because he believes she is his only true love. I can't take another year of DBing... or maybe I can, but right now I am in shock and think maybe I can't. I want to short circuit it right away. Help me out guys. So much has changed on this board since I was here before in 2005. Allen, Puppy, Robx - I'm calling on you guys to please comment. Anyone else (sorry if I don't name you by name, I've only been on here again for a short while and still am going through you all)
The first time DH had an EA, I finally had enough after DBing and started to walk away and he grabbed me and cried and begged me not to leave him. I stayed, he broke it off, and then she called him again - he fell back just once with her. I found out, called his cell and told him that I had had an accident (didn't know where he was other than he was with her) - he rushed right over, I confronted him and he again broke it off, this time in front of me and we changed all his phone numbers, etc.
I'm thinking that maybe if I leave for a few days, he may get worried about me and feel scared about where I am. It may backfire. Please help. We work together and I have to go to work on Monday, so I can't hide forever.
Probably worth a read-through as much of the advice will likely apply to your sitch.
Hang in there and breathe!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
With that said, I am a newbie here still on this board and also in my own divorce situation. Hardly qualified to give advice.
The older guys should address your Qs because they know you better IMO.
But I have to ask you something. How old are you and do you have any children with this man?
It sounds like you are still young and do not have any children. If true then from what you posted here he is IMO not worth fighting for. I would just cut your losses and initiate a divorce. I hate saying that because my own D was the most painful experience I have ever had but in your case I would say I would do it.
Sounds like he needs a reality check and you need to get on with life. Lots of guys out there that would kill for a good woman and would not do crap like this to you. Ask me how I know, hell I am one.
But realistically, You are in shock. I have been there. For now just do nothing. Let it sink in first. Like any patient in shock you have to stabalise them first and then treat the wound.
Sleep on it for now and check back in a day or so.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
There are step children, we've been together 12 years and we're very intertwined. Yes, it's worth it. Not sure yet if I will fight to the end, but right now I am just because I want to be the one with the option to end it or not when I make my decision. I don't want to make it out of pain or hurt or shock or embarrassment.
Thank you so much flowmom and luv - I especially appreciate the prayers. I will hold you both in mine tonight and every night as long as you need it.
Wish there were no rules against contact IRL, wouldn't it be so much easier when you're in shock to just call someone from DB forum and get instant advice. LOL. I know that's not practical, but having some buddies would be nice sometimes. Thank God my MIL/FIL are here for me, or I'd have no one to talk to.
Man, this article is great. I suppose sending it to OW with an anonymous email would be a no-no? LOL - trying to keep it light. It is a temptation, though. If she were good enough to just back off, oh, who am I kidding, those chemicals stay in the brain for some time.
I am so sorry. I know this is hard, I have been there too.
Originally Posted By: Passenger
Just found out... should I wait before taking action?
Yes, wait at least 24-48 hours to get back on level. Wait for input from the vets.
Originally Posted By: Passenger
Do I expose that I know of the affair to him? WE ARE GOING TO RETROUVAILLE ON 4/16 AND I WAS REALLY HOPING THAT IT WOULD HEAL US.
I would think you need to expose before RV but you need an exposure plan to make sure it is most effective
Originally Posted By: Passenger
Do I EXPOSE A TO THE OW'S H?
Yes, but as part of an overall exposure strategy. Please wait for input from the vets.
Originally Posted By: Passenger
I can't take another year of DBing... or maybe I can, but right now I am in shock and think maybe I can't.
I know this is so hard right now but now is not the time for deciding what you can take long term. Slow down, breathe and try to relax. Time is on your side so try to relax and work with folks here to formulate a plan of action. Don't worry about long term right now.
Originally Posted By: Passenger
Please help. We work together and I have to go to work on Monday, so I can't hide forever.
I work at the same place as my W and OM so believe me, I know this is not an easy situation. This is not a good reason to act fast however.
Passenger, you are hurting and feeling incredible pain from this revelation. I know it is hard but try to slow down and wait for input from others as they will help you formulate a plan for exposure.
12bar, thank you, that's just what I needed to hear right now. Deep inside I knew I needed to wait and hear people out, but you're right, I'm in shock, shaking, hurting, can't stop drinking water because my mouth is so dry.
I will continue to be dark throughout tomorrow. DH doesn't know where I am. I'm sure he's not even home yet, but in the am when he strolls in, he may not even realize I'm gone, may think I'm with friends. By Sunday night, however, he'll realize and wonder. The kids should tell him that they haven't seen me. I just need time away to read books and read on here. Man, how could I have been so stupid to fall into this again? I know I'm not to blame, but I could have tried to prevent it by keeping up with our R better.
Another thing to consider. I could send that article to her (see link above), expose to her husband, all on the way to Retrouvaille, so they have the weekend to have the fallout, and DH and I have the weekend without him knowing I did those things... to work on us. Who knows, we may reconnect.
DH did some nice things for me today, such as fixing my car without being asked. That's his LL, so it meant something to me that he did that. I don't believe he's entirely done with me yet, he's lying to her already... like he said he decided not to take me out to dinner for my bday because we were just friends and he didn't want to confuse me, but in reality, I refused because I didn't want to spoil our romantic spot while we weren't feeling romantic.
