Thanks Allen and Jasper. I'm having a crappy day. Jasper - you asked me if I was really done. The answer i suppose is I don't know, but I'm choosing to be done. Four months of DB last resort technique, plus a statement of what I will and will not tolerate. I said to him over and over again, I will not stay in an open marriage. I refuse to share my husband's affections with another woman. I will not stay while the OW exists. All of that had no effect. I cannot stay with a man who tells me he loves me and then goes and texts the OW about how much he wished he was in bed with her. He seems to want points for "showing up" or "sticking around." all talk, no action. I chose to take action. I can't blame that fact on anyone but me. It was my choice. I chose to start to live a full life because staying in this whirlpool of BS isn't getting me/us anywhere. I hope so badly that this will shock him into action. I hate to see him cry. I hate that I'm causing him pain. My H is not a bad person. He's weak and selfish and he keeps making mistakes. But that isn't all that he is. he's my best friend. Our DB coach said something interesting to him today. She said that we're a curious case. Most of the time when people get to this stage in their lives, they've lost the friendship and there is a lot of anger. With us, we have no problem being friends, even after all of this, we are still best friends. There isn't a lot of anger, mostly hurt and pain. What we lost was intimacy. He wasn't interested in having sex with me after the death of a woman he'd loved before me. I feel like a monster and weak myself for not fighting anymore. There comes a point when you can't do it by yourself anymore, right?
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
Four months is not long B... I went for over two years on and off... she sent OM away, he came back, sent him away, he came back.. TWO YEARS
Did you know Bren that tears indicate emotional growth?
Each time your H cries, he grows up a TINY BIT...
Why would you HATE to see that?
He needs to do MORE of it...
I say let him bawl.
YOU my dear need to learn to DETACH emotionally from this situation... divorce is not going to end your pain, emotional detachment makes a HUGE difference... and Ya, my wife and I fought in the same home too... we weren't separated either... I would be in one room and she would be in another sending secret messages to OM...
It feels like forced suicide I know...
But I say you find some leverage, get your head out of your heart and start THINKING...
Where is OW vulnerable? Whom have you exposed to so far?
I agree- you said LRT yet also that you two get along so well as best friends...he would need to experience the loss of that as well, as you simultaneously distanced yourself emotionally by detaching
problem is... i don't know if it's a problem. My H is a local celebrity around here. If this gets out, it could ruin his reputation and he could loose his job. i don't want to be a spiteful person and I don't want to manipulate him in to wanting to save our marriage. I guess i must have miss interpreted LRT. I didn't realize that I was supposed to stop caring about what he's doing. Even if I did understand that, how in the heck am I supppose to emotionally distance myself from someone I love? I got a life... I got a hobby, spent time with friends, was away from home often, acted happy around him, stopped calling, stopped saying "i love you." He and I work opposite schedules anyway so he didn't get to see a lot of it and in my opinion didn't do much good since he was doing all that right back to me! so please, please. tell me how to emotionally distance myself from him?
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
LRT Step One - Stop the chase no begging, no frequent phone calls, scheduling dates, saying "I love you" - CHECK LRT Step Two - Get a Life get a hobby, act happy, spend time doing things that make you happy - CHECK LRT Step Three - Wait and Watch - CHECK
What am I missing? Please tell me how to emotionally detach.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
The point of the LRT is TO detach.. basically put - IGNORE HIM, not just his affair, but IGNORE HIM... That's what MWD is getting at... Act like you have given up and are moving on... act like you are planning divorce and cut him out of the loop of your life... THAT is LRT
In your case I would need to read more history, but I think you need to better understand exposure.
The purpose of exposure is NOT to be spiteful... Is that what you think we are reccomending this for? Spite?
I would need to find all your threads and read them all in detail, but from what I do see skimming you two are in an unhealthy dynamic of you parenting him, him ignoring that and doing what he wants, and then crying when you scold him again, but no consequences when he cheats and the cycle starts all over again.
This is NOT how to combat infidelity, it won't help you one bit in my opinion.
spite? maybe sometimes. I don't want people to think less of him. The few people i've told outside of my family all tell me to leave him. they are ashamed of him. MWD says not to tell people. they tell me that i deserve better and should throw in the towel now. there is no hope. i suppose i'm not acting anymore. I asked for the divorce. i guess i could give it one more go of ignoring him. i feel like i've been doing that to a certain extent. i need an instructional video. i'm a co-dependent mess.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
Allen, I don't think detachment is about ignoring someone. It's about letting go of the outcome and not basing your actions or feelings on someone else. If you simply ignore someone then it's still about them.
