Ethics of Snooping

[mrbt]

Hi All. I have been struggling with the question . . .

"How far do I go to get the truth?"

In my situation, I am convinced my W is still in contact with her EA partner but I do not have any hard evidence to confront her with. We are very close to finalizing our divorce so, for me, does it really matter? Do I really need to know?

I am very savvy with technology (GPS Tracking, Key Stroke Loggers, Voice Activated Recorders, etc) and could easily monitor every move she makes. However, I have resisted taking these steps. It doesn't feel right to me. The thought of invading someone's privacy like this makes me feel creepy (even if the motivation is to expose an affair). I have decided not to do these things because it makes me feel bad about myself.

I am curious what other think / feel about this topic.

[tryingtilDorR]

I would have recommended it way before you got to this stage where you are almost divorced. At this point you are probably better off trying to just let it all go and move on? If you are almost divorced you probably don't have much leverage anyway, but it depends upon your circumstances.

How did you find out about the EA in the first place? Did you use surveillance?

I used surveillance pretty aggressively and easily figured out what my W was doing to a point (EA clearly proven) and confronted her on it multiple times. My mistake was probably revealing how I was getting the info. A lot of the experts here will tell you to confront, but not reveal your sources of intel, and I now agree with that or at least that is what you should attempt to do.

In my case, without actually telling her how I knew she would continue to try to lie/deny (amazing it seems).

[mrbt]

In June of '09 she confessed without any prompting from me. I was blindsided; had no idea - it was part of the "I love you but . . " speech. She surrendered her secret cell phone and agreed to break it off. At some point, the communication started up again. The OM lives about 1,000 miles away so as far as I know it has not become a PA.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Is yours a "fault" state for divorce? If adultery can be proven, would it help your settlement?

I'm as pro-intel as anyone here, for TONS of reasons, but at this stage, I'm not sure how helpful it can be. Usually, you want it either to:

1. Initially confirm an affair

2. Gather evidence for a "fault" divorce and/or custody battle.

3. Confirm no-contact, once a no-contact and transparency plan have been mutually agreed to.

4. if you suspect drug, alcohol or physical abuse, or anything else that might put your spouse or your family in danger.

I just don't see any of those applying in your sitch.

Puppy

[mrbt]

Pup. For me, its just a desire to understand the understand why the marriage failed.

[tryingtilDorR]

Actually my W is getting ready to move out and her OM is definitely in the picture. I just noticed this morning that he called her yesterday. I don't snoop around but I sanity check just to confirm that he is in the picture and still a factor in her decision to leave. It is just for my own information and understanding really - not to enforce boundaries, etc. After all, she is leaving and I KNOW 99% of the time they don't leave unless there is someone else (assuming they aren't being abused, etc and they are living comfortably with a husband who would do anything to make the marriage work).

[tryingtilDorR]

Given what you said above, the only reason to gather intel is as Puppy says, to help your D case in the event that you don't live in a 'no fault' state. This could prove to be very important but it also sounds like you are close to finalizing your D and therefore agreements may already be in place for custody/support?

[mrbt]

No Kids. Assets are to be divided evenly. No alimony.

[gucci loafer]

I think you already know the answer,but are having a hard time admitting it.


The affair is still going on. No snooping even necessary to figure that out.

Problem solved.... Just admit what you know deep inside. Then you won't have to snoop and feel bad about yourself. Why do things that are going to make you feel bad about yourself. Part of what is making you feel bad about yourself even now is that your ego doesn't want to just come out and admit she is still in the affair.

Nothing else to really know is there?

The affair is on and that is why she wants divorce.

[ShockedOne]

I think you are to the point that unless you can completely detach, and quit concerning about what your W may or may not be doing, you are just driving yourself crazy. At this point you need to learn to not care what W is doing. This is for your sanity.

Shock