Hot Dog! I go away for a few days and this? Seriously, I am sorry. I don't know why these dads ahve to take it out on the kids. I can only think it's guilt.
My EX was the same and is still the same to the kids. I am sorry. Call me anytime you got my digits. Day or night.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Um, it's not just the dads. Think of it more as the "one who walked away". It's indicative of their anger and guilt if you ask me. But let's not narrow the conversation to dads alone, shall we?
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Well, since he is the dad that's why I went there. It's relative to both of us.
That said, all the walk aways are doing a horrible thing to their families and I've seen plenty of nasty women do it.
I am thankful that I can't relate to that.
I am thankful to be on my side of the fence, not theirs. When the nights get long and lonely this is what I think of. I would rather be heart broken and whole and have a relationship with my family..... than broken, angry, aliented, a person people will shake their heads about for years to come.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I am thankful to be on my side of the fence, not theirs. When the nights get long and lonely this is what I think of. I would rather be heart broken and whole and have a relationship with my family..... than broken, angry, aliented, a person people will shake their heads about for years to come.
And AMEN to that.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
Aye. Agreed. Very thankful for that. Thanks for pointing that out!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I really and truly believe this. Your boys are going to follow your lead.
Jeff, I am trying to be upbeat w/them, but checking in to their sensitivity...
Originally Posted By: AJM
Ya know Mindful, one thing to think about is that if you relocate your kids will have a lot more upheaval than you may want.
AJ, I'm not relocating anyone... The plan is to somehow get out from under our home, and rent a normal-sized home in a neighborhood behind their school. This neighborhood is full of soccer and school friends, all walkable, and is in the middle of school, soccer, and, well... life.
Co-Parenting? Hard to define that right now w/spew coming at me. My only hope is that the anger will dissipate, and H will put the boys (and D18) before himself, and just... be... good. I can only remember one time in 15 years when he actually apologized for anything, so, I'm not holding high hope.
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
Oh and I still want to kick your H. It can be arranged the week I am in Chicago, I could do a side trip!
Are you flying or driving to Chicago? Something tells me, if you're driving, you'll go right by me! This can be arranged!
Originally Posted By: sandycay
My EX was the same and is still the same to the kids. I am sorry. Call me anytime you got my digits. Day or night.
Sandycay - I thought of you when the Mother's Day Massacre happened. Thank you for your words, wisdom, and offers... And, I will. Poor Fergie can't hear it all!
So, I got the boys off to school (Tuesday), after a few tears, and some phone calls to teachers (asking for grace on a few assignments). I then spent the day in Madison.
Thank you, Ferg. You are a true friend. HUG
I came home calm, and energized, and ready to face the kids again w/a positive spirit.
NOTE: On the way to Madison, I talked to my very best male friend (and his wife, who I am very close to, as well). I gave them the news of a pending divorce, and they were truly shocked. I asked my very best male friend if he would come w/me to my attorney appointment on Wednesday am, as I thought I needed some advice from someone who knows me, knows Paul, knows a bit about our finances, and is incredibly smart (he's a highly successful businessman). He agreed immediately, and we hung up. He called me back a few minutes later, and asked me to seriously consider switching attorney's. He had made a phone call, and had agreement from the best D attorney in the area to take my case, if I want him to. The very best male friend thinks he is the only one that will drill down to the bottom of our "messiness," and also has resources within his office to handle the financial aspect on-site. The attorney only takes four or five cases a year, and thinks mine is one he would love to handle. (Nice. I feel special being in that elite group. NOT)
So, the very best male friend and I are going at 9:30am.
And, last night, I had the chance to tell a few more of my IRL support moms about the D, and I have full support and help from them whenever I need it. (Funny, when we talk, they all want to go for a walk... Wonder how much more weight I'll lose walking and talking...?)
Good evening at home w/the kids, though. I got a flurry of spew txt's from H during the night, which I handled calmly, and requesting support and compassion for the kids... I can't help him. I can't encourage extended spew either. So, mark my words... LESS is MORE when communicating with him.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Why would someone feel left out if their partner was more interested in other people than him? It's about how they view the situation. I am by no means excusing Mr MF (pun intended) but you have to be able to see things from new perspectives. If his LL was QT then he sure would feel slighted. It also doesn't mean Mindfull changes who she is to accomodate a spouse just be aware of what the wants of your sig other are.
Yeah. I see where you are going with this. But if MF's LL was adoration, easy solution for both. While she is chatting it up with the party peeps, walk up, put hands/arms around, and brag up her new sales numbers, how she is dressed, or just how wonderful she is..... and mean it. Problem solved.
You get what you give.
--Fergie
I know this is way old guys, but just now being able to catch up.
This is where we have really no idea who's hurting who. It doesn't make it right to hurt the other person, but many times we hurt other's not realizing it because it wasn't something that we would care about. and that's why the 5 LLs are so important. Just to throw out examples, not saying this is Mr. mind or not, but let's say his is QT and if mind hadn't been cherishing their R then his anticipation of her giving attention to everyone at the party but him could give him feelings of hurt where he reacts by putting her down or not saying anything about how she looks (which may be her 5LL, thus destroying her). But see, what if mind wasn't giving attention to H because he stopped giving her compliments... it's the chicken/egg problem, and it's a cycle that we go round and round and round on until someone does something different.
What's sad is that most of the time we are waiting for the other person to make the change or step up, when we could be doing it ourselves, because we must remember, we cannot control the other person, but only ourselves.
Most the time, I truly believe people do things subconsciously and do knee-jerk reactions. Of course there are people that KNOW someones love language and uses it against them, and that of course is evil. But for most of us on here, we are BOTH hurting the other person, and most times we haven't a clue what we are doing because we generally have a different LL and therefore what hurts us, wouldn't hurt our spouse, and vice versa, so we are constantly unknowingly hurting the other person.
Why I bring this up Mind, is not to try to get you to reconcile, although you know me, I would still pray that someday your H pulls his head out, fixes himself, and becomes everything you've ever wanted, but I bring this up because most likely you, and others on here WILL one day be involved in another R, and we know that a 2nd marriage ends in D more than the first. We need to understand what is going on between our R's so that we can be successful in repairing problems (cause we will ALL have problems in ANY R), and creating successful Rs.
Mind, what has happened in this M, will continue into any other R that you develop in the future. I know that you've learned a lot, and you are a fighter for sure! I love how far you've come, and your patience thru it.
There is also something on my mind that I feel I should share, and mind please tell me if I'm wrong. there are many of you following mind's thread and I want everyone to have the best possible chance of restoring. We can all learn from each other's sitch. Mind, you have been in this for 2 years, and I read that you had inklings in the beginning of his possible A, but you never said anything about it. You also wrote a list about when to know if your done. I think those peices of advice were very sound advice. I would like to add, and this is probably against DB, but I feel it is imporant..that we must confront the spouse with the knowledge of the A. when the A is put out in the open, it does not become that secret fantasy anymore, and I believe (coming from other R books like michelle's) that they must know that you are aware or believe of something going on and that you are against it and it is wrong to both your vows, to God and to each other (in a very calm way, not blaming way). This is not about having R talks, which I totally disapprove of, but instead about stating your values and letting them know where you stand.
sorry if I kinda hijacked Mind, and I'm so sorry for everything you've gone thru, but look at this as an incredibly hard learning experience. You have made some great changes in your life and you can continue to make great changes. You've accomplished so much and you've been a great source of help to so many people. You are truly a blessing and you are going to create such a wonderful life for yourself because of how you are reacting to what life is throwing out at you.
you are greatly loved, and I will continue to pray for you and your family. You are of substantial worth and so beautiful!!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
S10 just said to me... "Mom, you never get mad and leave us..." (tears) I just said, "No, S10. I don't. But, remember that everyone handles anger differently. Why don't you just try to remember this feeling, in case you ever want to do it that way... It's hurtful to those left behind."
I love that last line you told him, that is very good.
Do you pray with your children? IMHO, your H needs prayers, he is really messed up, and sometimes people just can't handle the choices that they make and it does hurt other people. He is in denial that he is hurting his children because he can't face up to it, and all he can think of is the pain he has and the messed up life he's created. believe me, he is not happy, his life sucks.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
