It's 6 months now since I moved out. The crazy thing about all of this is that I haven't died (though I felt like it). I'm in a much better place than I was. I'd say our major problems started about 13 months ago. That's over a year. Time has gone by yet it still doesn't seem like that.
H and I have been hanging out since January. We go up and down. I thought we were getting along better, we have been. Doing MC together but I'm not sure how productive it's been.
Last night he told me he doesn't want to "waste his time" I guess meaning our marriage. I validated but a D is not what I want. I'm not there. I usually have no problem with moving on with things in my life but this is not one of them.
I guess the up down thing confuses since just Sunday he was saying he needed to get me helmet for his new motorcycle.
Oh and he did file for the D in January, I signed his immigration papers (for it to become permanent-residency) and a month later he had it petitioned for a dismissal. Court records are still showing that it's "active" but petitioned. I don't understand that. I never hired a L, I didn't file for D and H did give me my wedding ring back (around my bday).
I kind of want to call him today after that wrenching conversation but not sure what to say since he's "wasting his time" comment.
I did call him. He was sulky and said how everything in his life is f-cked up, how he will go home tonight and drink/get drunk, said he is thinking of takinga permanent vacation back to his home country, said he is stressed about everything, including us.
I asked if there was anything I could do to help with that. He said nothing.
Somehow I feel worse after we speak on the phone. My heart was heavy the entire convo.
He asked what I was doing later and I said I had no plans as of yet.
From your last update in your previous thread, it sounds like he wants the marriage, but instead of saying "I want a real marriage" he's saying "I don't want to be this going on anymore".
Was he always like that? His language are threats and blame. I am sorry, he needs to learn to communicate in a healthy way. Does he have a drinking problem?
This is something that you can do. Show him how to communicate in a healthy way. Ignore his threats (if they are not physical). Let him know you want a real marriage too, with healthy communication.
Work in IC on how to implement boundaries.
He wants you back into the house without much fuss. He's not getting it. His threats might escalate.
Thanks for responding, Whole. I was happy to see a response!
H doesn't have a drinking problem. He's actually really responsible bout that kind of stuff. What we def do have is communication problems. It goes both ways, I know. His sulking is crazy! (for days/weeks) but alas he's been good about calling me back during our separation and so on and so forth.
We have MC tonight. I called him earlier today but no call back. Whatevs. I'm to the point where I do love him but my love has changed, if that makes sense. It's not so blind anymore. It's not as "well whatever, you're married so you must tolerate all this b.s." anymore.
Going to see my IC this weekend. I def know and accept what I did wrong. His major thing w/ me is that I enjoy doing things out of the home and now I've been more of a homebody since my move. Also, need to just not react to him so much.
You and I are around the same age, our relationship and marriage were around the same length of time, and from what I can tell our relationships went bad in very close to the same way.
I don't mean to hijack your thread, but I wanted your opinion on what you think my wife is thinking right now, if you would be willing to give it. You had replied some to me in my thread, but I'm at a crossroads here and would really appreciate your thoughts.
She left about 3 months ago because she said I ignored her, and was selfish with my time. Wasn't in love with me anymore... You know the deal.
She moved out quickly, and while she said from the beginning she wanted a divorce, and still says it, she has also never said we were "done". Her and I have always had talks about working it out, but never serious talks, just more like "well, what if?" stuff.
We went on a few dates, and it went well, but I pushed really hard, and assumed we were getting back together... We had a blow up, and stopped talking.
I have now told her that I agree to the divorce, and I don't see any way we will be back together again... But I would like to remain freinds. I dont want to be friends, but I honestly want her to think that, even if it's not the truth.
I do still have hope. I am still trying to DB... But I don't want her to feel ANY pressure from me.
We have chatted some recently.. A little productive R talk... As I tink you read in my thread... And I did break down and asked her if she would like to spend her birthday with me at the zoo. She agreed immediately.
I took this as a good sign.
As a WAW from really close to the same perspective as my WAW (from what I can tell), is there any insight you could give me as to what she could possibly be thinking?
I guess I was just a little impressed at how quickly she was willing to spend her birthday with me... You know?
Still haven't heard from H since Tues when I called him. He has been good about calling me each day so I was starting to think something happened to him yet he never returnd my call or came to MC.
Spinning wheels and shtuff. Both of us, like someone said in the other thread.
And that's just it. Why hasn't he called me? I have spent the most part of the last 2 days confused & waking up at night and not slept well. Then he'll reappear and things will seem great again. It's always this f-cking back and forth & well we're supposed to be working on our M and then he doesn't call. I don't know if I should give in and call? WTH. This is all mentally exhausting. I wish we were okay and none of this ever happened.
I know I can't re-write our history but sure wish I could. Sometimes I feel I spend more time trying to repair our M and see what's wrong with it than actually enjoying it. Grrr. This on the heels of such a lovely weekend. Maybe I think too much? Or my expectations are too high of what a M should be.
