Just as long as the waiting game does not drive you nuts...
Do you think she knows or suspects you are "waiting" for her to come back. If so, then according to the experts this is breaking the DB rules, but then again they are not familiar with your specific sitch.
If you really sense she is having second thoughts (or is still confused), then trudge forward and monitor her closely. I have been told 100 times to move forward like there is no chance to reconcile. I suppose this tactic helps with emotional well being and gives the S something to think about when they realize complete detachment is close.
You are the best at staying positve and only good things will come from that.
Has been 4 full days since contact with my W which is unusaul for us we communicate almost daily. The kids have been with my Dad and his wife for the last week and got home last night. Tuesdays and Thursdays are the nights my S10 normally goes over to her place. Well really no need to call or text so mid day I get an email from her:
hey, I have moved my dentist appt to 2 today, and I don't think I am going back to work. So I won't be here if you try to call or e-mail. Call me on my cell if you need to, otherwise we can meet at that the grocery store tonight, at what ever time.
There was totally no need to send this and additionally she could have just gone by the house to pick up our S10. I am not reading anything into this but I have really pulled back in contacting her. This is one of the very few times she has contacted me for no real reason, just an observation. I never responded to the email.
So I leave work to come home and normally I would meet her to exchange my S10 with her shortly after 6 when she gets off work. I get home and she has not called my S10 at all today, so I have him call her to say we are leaving.....no answer. I get him to call again and leave a message. An hour goes by and nothing and I have a fellow DBer over for a couple of beers. Time to take D13 to soccer and S10 has his stuff packed to go to mom's but we have not heard from her. I get him to call again and she answers and asks to speak with me.
Apparently, she fell asleep after taking some medicine today. I told her that she would have to come all the way out to the house to get S10 b/c I had to take D13 to practice and also had a friend over, she said okay. (she sounded as if she had been crying.)
Well 40 min later she gets here and I am on the patio with my friend and she asks me to come in so we could talk. She has tears in her eyes and it was apparent she had been crying for a while. She has something in her hand and says to me she wants me to have it so I can sell it to help pay the mortgage so me and the kids can stay in the house a little longer. She drops her diamond tennis bracelet in my hand.
She is really crying now and I am not really comforting her and I try to give the bracelet back and she refuses, saying she does not have any money but she wants us to stay in the house. I am behind on the mortgage, because like too many of us it took both of our incomes to make it work.
In the past I would have melted but this time I stood firm not mean but not comforting either. Her guilt is eating her alive, I am completely detached from her and I just let her talk but she doesn't add much. I offered her a glass of water and then go back out on the patio with my DB friend while she waits on our S10 to finish his video game.
It was great having my friend over when all this went down because I was able to occuppy myself with something else besides her. Well 15 minutes goes by and my W and S10 still have not left and the frozen pizza was ready. So I had plenty and I offered them some pizza and she declined at first so I did not ask again and went back out on the patio. Came back in 5 minutes later and my W asks if it is okay if she and S10 stay and eat some pizza, and I said sure.
The whole time she was here I spent the time on the patio with my DB friend, where as if he was not there I would have been having yet another dinner with my W and S10. They must have stayed an hour until it was time for me to go pick up D13 at practice.
I am not reading anything into this as I would have done in the past, but I can see that when I turn away from her she seeks to maintai the same amount distance as before. It really is a dance.
Oh well, another day in the life...:)
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
You handled that extremely well, good job. It sounds as though the consequences of your W's actions are really coming down on her.
I believe God is at work here and put your friend right where they needed to be at the right time.
I see from your sig line that you're just over a year post bomb. Not sure if she has reached bottom yet, but as a wise DBer said to me, she is definitely sinking.
It truly is a dance...good job in not letting her lead!!
But as TG said..you've been here before with her. Do not get sucked in. The only way to know she is coming out of the fog is with consistency...and the only thing she has been consistent with...is being inconsistent!!!
SA, You are right, I can see her sliding down. So hard to watch, but what I do now is out of love. The things I did before were out of love, but that love was love that was looking for something in return.
As we stood in the kitchen last night and she was sobbing telling me that she realized that we were in financial hardship before she left and now that her income is no longer supporting the "family" the kid's home and stable lives are in jeopardy.
I said nothing but on the inside I was thanking God that she was having this moment of clarity. No Expectations.
Grit, Man we are walking these steps together. I really feel good today, like I have the power back. It is a nice feeling and there is no anger just me doing what needed to be done long ago.
You know I made a decision back on May 22nd not to get in an argument with her no matter what, and I have been able to keep that up. I am no longer going to engage her in uneccessary conversation, I will listen up to a point but that is it. No more getting sucked into the storm.
Thanks for the words of encouragement and yes I agree with you and SA,....she has not reached rock bottom, this will get worse before it gets better.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Lola, Thanks, I know about the consistency thing. Hell, I don't know how many posters I have advised on that very thing. It is good to hear it reflected back.
I can honestly see the now that as I take a step back she takes a step forward. I am going to continue to take these steps back until she is "running' after me.
The music is on and the MLC dance continues.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
