This is my first post. (*It was suggested I move it to this board.)
My husband gave me the "I Love You But I am Not In Love With You" speech in January 2009. The previous May (2008), he participated in a sporting event from which became severely dehydrated. This caused a lot of ongoing medical problems...vertigo, anxiety, and panic attacks. This was the beginning of what I believe was a midlife crisis. He began questioning ever aspect of his life and felt that our marriage was the root cause of all of his problems. He felt that there was a growing distance between us that had gotten worse and worse....now could not be repaired. I was unaware of any of this and thought our marriage was very strong. In addition, he stated that he had been approached by an attractive colleague who was openly "available". He said that he has never "crossed the line", but this flirtation brought about feelings/urges he had never felt for anyone else. He said he didn't know how to deal with it, but clearly believed his feelings for me were not what they should be.
We have been together for 21 years, 19 of those married. We have three children, two are under 10 and still at home.
In spite of his feelings or lack thereof, he has stated that a divorce or separation would be too difficult for our children. I am deeply thankful for his feelings on that.
We attended MC last year following the speech...actually at his suggestion. This counselor was not pro-marriage though we didn't learn that until several sessions later. Our 10 sessions only resulted in us becoming more distant than ever. I suggested we try another counselor, but my H said that he was done telling anyone our life story.
Shortly after, I began seeing my own counselor. I began a diet and exercise program (lost 60 lbs!). I also began focusing on my children and my own happiness.
My H has never moved out. He is not mean, but he is distant most of the time. We sleep in separate rooms. We co-parent well and the lines of communication (particularly where the kids are concerned) are wide open. He participates in any family events (ie. church, social events, school events, dinners out), but does not participate in anything with me as a couple, unless there is a large group. To those on the outside, we appear to be a happy family.
I honestly believe he is in crisis and has been trying to regain his youth. It was very blatant at first. He was attending concerts several times a month, sometimes 4 hours each way. He was NEVER a drinker and I began to notice bottles we had for years slowly being drained. He has thrown himself in to work, taking on numerous projects and tasks..I believe to keep his mind from thinking. He was test driving sports cars and watching ultimate fighting non-stop. None of these activities were his focus prior to this time.
We have had only a couple of relationship talks (future, etc.) in the last two years. Two of those resulted in him threatening to leave....though he never has. At this time, we have vacant rental property that he could move to, but he hasn't even mentioned it.
I am praying that he is able to get through this time period of his life and begin to see what he would be leaving. He has an amazing husband before Spring 2008. He was attentive to my needs and always "had my back". He was affectionate and caring. He hasn't so much as touched my hand in 15 months. He has always been an excellent father and still is very good to our children, though it almost seems scripted at times.
I guess I am just looking for some words of encouragement. I hope there are people out there that have had similar circumstances that have been able to reconnect with their spouses.
I know this has been long. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
That wasn't long at all, not to condense 21 years of togetherness...
Still, yes there are people here who have been where you have been. : ) and your looking for 'success' stories in your newbie narrow view of the word.
Success as in still married.
They are around, they happen and some of them post here.
Here...in MLC you do the work, we can guide you, help and support you...but you do all the work.
You want the happy ending stories?
There are in here, go look for them. Find them. I will say they are here, and I will say someone has taken the time to even title the thread in a similar fashion.
But right now your definition of success is narrow and wrong.
Anyone who grows here, who comes to realize that they are not defined by their spouse or state of marriage...they are the real successes.
Unless YOU grow, your relationship is doomed to your mistakes... and you have made mistakes.
Yes you have. : )
We all have.
Do the work, find the happy endings you want. It will be more rewarding to you to find them on your own...and it will kill some of the time you have no idea what to do with right now.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Welcome to this board. Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice. I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
I have made many mistakes in my life. I would be the first to say that. I took my life for granted far too many times. I had issues with depression about 10 years ago and was overmedicated as a result. I gained weight, lost self-esteem, and was content/complacent to just "be".
I have since done a whole lot of "me" work. I am now a healthy weight, see an IC regularly, read lots of self-help books, find outlets for my emotions, and spend lots of time with my kids. On a personal level, I am healthier and happier with me than I have ever been.
However, my marriage is so integral to who I am and I want more than anything to repair my relationship with my H and to restore our family to a functioning unit.
I know that no one can give me the answers. I also know that MLC can be such a destructive beast all on its own. I have watched my H go from being a huge protector of his family to be in a destructive mode for anything that symbolized cohesiveness. He wants to leave, yet he stays. He wants to remain married, yet wants no commitment. He wants to be alone, yet schedules a vacation together. He wants no responsibiity, yet signs up for every committee and additional task at work.
I have known this man since he was 16 and he has always been the most kindhearted, compassionate individual. This person he is right now is very different. He has even told me that he doesn't know why he feels the way he does and that apathy is all he has for our marriage....nothing seems to change that for him.
I will read those. I have read the Livestrong Detachment link over and over for the last two years. I understand the premise, but the action plan is much harder for me.
I have also read:
Surviving Your Husband's Midlife Crisis How to Save Your Marriage Alone Men in Midlife Crisis Love and Respect Your Husband's Midlife Crisis Crossing the Soul's River Love Must Be Tough The Love Dare Imperfect Harmony The Five Love Languages Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage
I was never much of a reader before H's MLC, but I can't seem to get enough info now.
Well I am not a professional...but I think that if you read the resources Pilot has so kindly cut and pasted for you : ) you'll see some similarities in your husband.
I come off a little...blunt, harsh mean?
Sometimes it is intentional...those are pretty obvious, I'd rather get you to think yourself out of the box and learn how to avoid it in the future than pull you out over and over again.
MLC is a horrible thing to live through...and I am not saying for you. For you? It sucks...for the MLCer? Their world shattered.
While the LBS can wallow...it is better for them to do like you said you have done...make improvements. Good on you by the way. See the destiny of the marriage is REALLY in the LBS hands.
When the MLCers comes out of their MLC...and looks around...
It is up the the LBSer if the MLCers sees them.
It is up to you Still.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
MLC is a horrible thing to live through...and I am not saying for you. For you? It sucks...for the MLCer? Their world shattered.
While the LBS can wallow...it is better for them to do like you said you have done...make improvements. Good on you by the way. See the destiny of the marriage is REALLY in the LBS hands.
When the MLCers comes out of their MLC...and looks around...
It is up the the LBSer if the MLCers sees them.
It is up to you Still.
May I ask, are you a recovering MLC'er?
I read lots of boards (and other literature) on MLC and I have never heard it put quite like that...."the destiny of the marriage is in the LBS hands".
By the way, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my H is in incredible pain. In his earnest attempt to recapture his youth, he is aging rapidly. He doesn't sleep, he is unhappy, and is clearly depressed. He thinks it all stems from his relationship with me. Yet, I make no demands. I give him his space. I don't question him. I treat him with respect, even when not reciprocated. I don't consider myself a doormat. I have to view this situation as though he were ill....afterall clinical depression is an illness.
Still, First of all, I'm sorry you are here. I am fairly new myself to this forum and I have a long way to go in what I have to learn. I totally understand what you are feeling! I, too have read many books.....a lot of the same you have read.....and I still search the internet for more information on midlife crisis. I have always believed knowledge is power and my family has depended on me to do research on various subjects. Now, I'm the only one doing the research because no one else wants to know. My husband once mentioned he could be in midlife crisis, but quickly gave up the idea. All of our kids are adults and my boys live on their own. My daughter lives with me, but since my husband hasn't spoken to her since he left on Nov. 6th, she has a horrible hatred for him.
I know what you are looking for. The answer to how long is this going to last, how much longer will we all have to endure this, is any of this doing damage to our children, will our marriage be saved, does he still desire me, does he or will he love me again, etc. Well, the answer to all of those questions is..... no one knows. I know....I hate that answer, too! We women are geared to be "fix it" people and this is something we can't fix. It's killing me and I feel like I have to sit on my hands, keep tape over my mouth, and do nothing! And, yeah, that's what I have to do.
I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but as for myself, I get encouragement from reading my Bible. And I am currently re-reading Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. It is an excellent book! She basically just stresses how we need to stop negative thinking. And, yes I know how hard that is to do when your life is falling apart.
I will encourage you to read these threads. I have learned nuggets from each one I've read. Most of the stories here are all alike. So, in a way, it's a misery loves company kind of thing. Please don't get discouraged by what some people say or tell you. Some here are pretty straight forward and blunt. It's like a hit between the eyes. And that can be good for us! It does make you think about every aspect of the situation. It makes you examine what we need to change in our own lives. And while that is painful to do, and it's no big thrill to admit our mistakes, it's also very liberating.
I have been with my husband for 33 years. When anyone is married that long, it's hard to even think of a part of my life that did not involve him. He's in every corner of this house. In every picture, every memory, even the songs I hear on the radio. I can not bear to think of a life without him. So, I am still dealing with denial that that is even a possibility. Like I told you, I still have a long way to go.
Just keep posting. Keep posting and keep reading. Listen especially to the ones who have been through this a long time. Yes, there are success stories here. And some of those people continue to come here and give advice. They are like nuggets of gold to me. The one thing I learned from here is to fake it until you make it. Amen to that! Take care of yourself. (( hugs ))
I know....I hate that answer, too! We women are geared to be "fix it" people and this is something we can't fix. It's killing me and I feel like I have to sit on my hands, keep tape over my mouth, and do nothing! And, yeah, that's what I have to do. 