WAWs: What Brought You Back?

[Marooned]

To all walkaway wives (or their husbands who know the situation well enough to respond for their walkaway wives): what brought you back?

You can define "back" however you want: from separated to back to the marriage, from mentally and spiritually out the door (maybe not separated) to back to the marriage, from d-filed (separated or not) to back to the marriage, etc.

This is meant to be an open question, but I did have some sub-questions:

1. Was it a profound realization you had?
2. Was it something your husband did or stopped doing?
3. How long did it take before you came back?

[tbart01]

I know what I did when my W told me she wanted a D. I went on a serious journey to assess and reflect on myself. I took a long look at myself and realized I wasn't the man I wanted to be.

I was deployed in Afghanistan and all I did for six months was work on myself. I also stuck by DBing and applying what I read in the DR.

My W was 100% convinced that she wanted to D me. I've been home for a month now, and my W had told me twice this past week that she doesn't want to D. We're still separated, but we're both working on the M.

She told me the other night that if I had come back the same person I was when I left we would be getting a D. The fact that I took a long look at myself and made improvements is what may have potentially changed the outcome. I also have to give credit to what you learn and apply on this site.

[Marooned]

She told me the other night that if I had come back the same person I was when I left we would be getting a D. The fact that I took a long look at myself and made improvements is what may have potentially changed the outcome. I also have to give credit to what you learn and apply on this site.

I'm so happy that your wife has given you a second chance. So your wife had an opportunity to see your changes, believed them to be true, and stop her from d-filing. How do you think your wife believed your changes, because most don't, most are skeptical if they are real.

[tbart01]

We're not out of the woods yet. She still doesn't trust that the changes are permanent, but the fact that she's changed her tone is a miracle.

[tjack45]

Well I am not completely out of the woods yet, but here is what I know about my WAW. When she told me ILYBINILWY and started her affair she thought their was absolutely no way that we could ever work. one of the first things she said was "people don't change" For the next 6 months I was on a mission to prove her wrong. It wasn't changes I made for her, they were all for me and any future relationships I was going to have. I think some big factors in her change of heart were
1)Exposure of the Affair
2) I didn't say much throughout our seperation and let my actions show that I had changed
3)I reached the point where I really didn't care any longer if we were going to be together. I was very happy by myself and I had plenty of people interested in me. I knew for sure that I didn't need her.
4) She was close to filing and was holding up. She knew that if this is how it ended, I would no longer be her friend, our conversations would only revolve around the kids. She also knew that if she D me and stayed with her BF I would never talk to or accept him. She also knew that if it didn't work out with him I would no longer be an option for her. Women would kill to have a man like me and I would never accept being anyone's second choice.


so summarized for me it was exposure, change, moving on and fear of loss that all contributed to positive change on her part.

[Marooned]

Thanks tjack. I really appreciate it. Let me try to make sure I understand it in more general terms.

1) Guilt or embarrassment at having done something morally wrong.
2) Actions speak louder than words and are the only things that convince a WAW.
3) She sensed your detachment--that you were gone and was feared a loss.
4) Loss of a good friend/companion; threat of someone else grabbing you.

Which do you think was most powerful?

[DumpedforMIL]

i don't mean to hijack the thread, marooned.

but what can a woman do to make her WAH come back?

same things?
i've reached a point where i'm looking ahead without h.
i've been told that he will never notice the changes that i make and he only thinks for himself - narcisstic personality.

is there any hope to even peak his interest?

[Marooned]

1) Guilt or embarrassment at having done something morally wrong.
2) Actions speak louder than words and are the only things that convince a WAW.
3) She sensed your detachment--that you were gone and was feared a loss.
4) Loss of a good friend/companion; threat of someone else grabbing you.

Anyone else out there?

I suppose these could be summarized more by "fear of loss" than "want of gain." Has that been the experience of other WAWs or their husbands who know the situation well? That is, were your wives motivated purely by what they might lose. The sales guys say they give you a free trial (a short-term set of great and loving actions) and if they try to take it away from you loss is about 4 times more powerful than want of gain. Is that what is happening when a WAW returns. They had, they lost, they want.

[Marooned]

I was hoping for a few more replies, but maybe all the walkaways have walked away or are happily married again....

[thegoodfight]

I think you have the basic answers you are looking for. Noticed sustained change. Strength, confidence, self care and taking care of responsibilities and not catering to their fog.

What brings them back is essentially what brought them to you in the first place. Either way if you follow the principles you will get through it. Not over it, but through and probably be a better person no matter the result. Plus you can look at yourself and say I did the best I could to stand up for what I believe in! Trust me any spouse male or female will respect someone who takes a stand, maybe not right away but eventually!