if your needs are consistently being neglected and you're expressing them to your partner are they showing you love? nope. but you should fulfill your own needs and what they bring to the table adds to it. Love is a choice it's a want. Everyone wants it. But if you can't love yourself enough to not settle for what isn't love then you'll never have what love is. And if you don't demand or even know what you want or love yourself how can someone give you love or even try to fulfill the needs/wants you have? they can't. until i figured out what I wanted I was settling. I finally got tired of settling and said this is what I want. If the person doesn't have at least 90 percent of these qualities/traits then it's not gonna work
This sounds more like my W than me. I have always been pretty happy with who I am. In my case, she wasn't getting what she needed, but I believe that it was because she wasn't expresseing it (you should have known) and maybe she doesn't really know what she wants either.
I don't feel like I was settling or would settle, but maybe I haven't grown enough yet either.
Thanks!
yea it can BE ON EITHER SIDE. if she's not communicating her needs then how can you fulfill them? it's bs when your spouse doesn't give you a chance but you also have to pay attention to her body language. like 80 percent of communication is nonverbal. we tend to get comfortable as humans and stop doing everything that drew our spouses/partners to use in the first place
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
Right. I am probably as guilty here as anyone. Should have paid more attention to her. Just thought everyting was OK and took it for granted. I guess I did know there were things she wasn't happy with, but there were things I wasn't happy with too. I just looked at them as sacrifices made for the marriage.
Thanks for your insight James and good luck with your newfound relationship! I'm sure I will get beyond this. It just may take a little more time.
Right. I am probably as guilty here as anyone. Should have paid more attention to her. Just thought everyting was OK and took it for granted. I guess I did know there were things she wasn't happy with, but there were things I wasn't happy with too. I just looked at them as sacrifices made for the marriage.
Thanks for your insight James and good luck with your newfound relationship! I'm sure I will get beyond this. It just may take a little more time.
yea you will man. trust me you will. the thing is by the time your spouse gets to the point of explaining they are usually so fed up they think your changes are to soley save the relationship. the Rs that are saved are the ones by people who are able to show their SPOUSES that their changes are permanent and to better themselves whether or not they still have the R
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
I don't understand why making changes to save the relationship is a BAD thing. Why is it bad for me to make changes because YOU want me to and I WANT to make those changes because I want YOU to be happy in our relationship? OUR relationship is IMPORTANT to me and I am willing to do what it takes for it to work.
Does anybody think that I WANT to put in extra hours at work in order to get promoted and make more money so we can have a BETTER life and W can stay home with the kids, because that is a better life for them? I don't WANT to work that much, but I make a choice to, just as I choose to make changes to better the relationship.
Am I just out of my mind? I THOUGHT I was doing the right thing.
Kind of hard to SHOW her anything right now as we have very little contact at all.
Going to start reading Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. tonight.
By the time the WAS tells us they're done, they've already detached and don't "feel" like they can get the attachment back. Some, may not want to risk feeling vulnerable again once they have built that protective shell. It requires a leap of faith that many of them are not willing to make. Couple that with the fact that some use an EA/PA to help them detach, and it becomes an almost impossible situation for the LBS.
That's why the changes don't necessarily matter to them.
I don't understand why making changes to save the relationship is a BAD thing. Why is it bad for me to make changes because YOU want me to and I WANT to make those changes because I want YOU to be happy in our relationship? OUR relationship is IMPORTANT to me and I am willing to do what it takes for it to work.
Does anybody think that I WANT to put in extra hours at work in order to get promoted and make more money so we can have a BETTER life and W can stay home with the kids, because that is a better life for them? I don't WANT to work that much, but I make a choice to, just as I choose to make changes to better the relationship.
Am I just out of my mind? I THOUGHT I was doing the right thing.
Kind of hard to SHOW her anything right now as we have very little contact at all.
Going to start reading Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. tonight.
Thanks!
yep it's what makingprogress just stated. By the time a spouse becomes WAW its usually too late. They have already decided that you're not going to change and emotionally detached/checked out of the R.
They begin to resent the changes because it reminds them of certain instances where they felt like you should have already been doing this. Sometimes the resentment has been building up for years.
They may/may not have communicated this to you. That's one of the key elements to why we are all here. Lack of communication. Either one partner doesn't express it properly or the other one misses the "warning signs" and "signals" or even direct communication their SPOUSE has expressed to them.
That's why what i've figured out is that it's important to do self reflection everyday and grade yourself to see where you stand.
If there's an argument? Don't let it go unresolved. Of course give your spouse time to cool down but listen intently and try to adjust your behaviour to what the issue is and vice versa.
The problem comes in when both parties or one party are both talking but nobody is listening.
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
Does anybody think that I WANT to put in extra hours at work in order to get promoted and make more money so we can have a BETTER life and W can stay home with the kids, because that is a better life for them? I don't WANT to work that much, but I make a choice to, just as I choose to make changes to better the relationship.
Am I just out of my mind? I THOUGHT I was doing the right thing.
Well, in my case, my Dan (yep he has the same name) started at the bottom and worked his way to the top. I got to stay at home. By the end or our M he was working a job he says he despised, in order to provide for us. Thing is, I told him more than once that I would rather have a smaller house and cheaper car and clothes, to have him around more (in a different, less demanding job). When he was finally honest with himself it was clear he wanted to have the nice truck and toys...it was as much about his ego as it was providing for us. So sometimes, one spouse thinks that working harder/longer is better, when if they listened to their spouse, they would find out it wasn't really necessary...
