i am feeling really bad today. Last night I couldnt sleep all I could think about is how I ruined my marriage. I feel like a failure in every aspect of my life. I push everyone away and now I have pushed the last person in my life away...my husband. I am not sure our relationship is worth pursuing at this point.
I have been with my husband for ten years and married for six. Around the fourth year we broke up and during the break up period we continued to have sex, and i got pregnant. I promise with all of my heart i didnt get pregnant on purpose. It just happened. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me. But when I moved back home, I discovered his profile was on different dating and sex sites, which made me really upset. Im thinking if he really loved me why would he put his profile up. I wanted to make sure that the profiles were made during our breakup or when we were together, so I hacked into his accounts and found they were made after we got back together. I became an emotional rollercoaster, Nothing changed and nothing got better, I kept catching him in lies and talking to other women. I never found him in bed with anyone else, and he swears he never had an affair but it is hard to believe him because he lied to me so many other times. My insecurity has escalated to the point that I dont even feel comfortable going out with him because I feel so ugly and I feel like he doesnt like to be around me. I always get on his case about liking other girls and you know the routine. I have bad panic attacks when he doesnt come home and he stays out late. I feel very lost and confused and scared of the future. He doesnt want to be with me and im not sure I want to be with him, but part of me does want to make things work for our daughter. Is our relationship too negative, are we fooling ourselves...My insecurities are pushing him away by the things I say... He should be with someone better, I am not pretty, and I feel now that is what he has done. I feel guilty that I couldnt be a better wife and trust him. We have spent 6 years going through the same stuff. I dont know if I should give up and move on. If our marriage is even worth saving. i cant afford to have counseling sessions... I bought the divorce busting book but it hasnt arrived yet. i need some sound advice to help me get through my day. I am really struggling right now.
Me30 H38 D6 Married for 7 years Relationship before marriage 3 years Husband is sending me on the biggest rollercoaster in the world.
We are separated right now, but we are still living together, and it is so hard, because there is nothing I can say to make him change his mind about being with me. I feel like he still needs me because he is using my computer to make a video and I feel like when the video is done he wont need me anymore and really call the whole thing off. i am not feeling good today.
Me30 H38 D6 Married for 7 years Relationship before marriage 3 years Husband is sending me on the biggest rollercoaster in the world.
You are correct at this point there is nothing you can say. But what can you do? Have you identified what is wrong? What are the issues? What can you change about you or how you look at things? What is your plan to enjoy life, hobbies, activities, etc.
Other questions that will come up is there another involved or is it just grew apart thing. Sadly most people don't up and want to leave unless they have something to fall back on. I am sorry to say but I believe that to be the case most of the time. Whether it is a relationship or marriage we create a void when it ends or is ending and want something to fill that void. Thoughts and prayers to you, post more specifics and you will have more responses.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
He swears up and down that there is no one else but i cant shake the feeling that there is. Which makes things worse. i guess its my fault because i always tell him that he should be with someone better and maybe that is why he did,. I feel so hurt . I am scared of what the future holds. I dont know if I should try to make my outlook on life better. and just hope for the best. it is hard to post specifics because there is so much I would fill up like ten pages.
Should i just take his word when he tells me there is no one else.
Me30 H38 D6 Married for 7 years Relationship before marriage 3 years Husband is sending me on the biggest rollercoaster in the world.
Hey Angie, One thing you HAVE to do is stop beating yourself up because you don't feel you're 'supermodel hot' or you aren't good enough. If you weren't good enough, he'd have dated you a few times when ya first met and then moved on. He clearly felt you were 'good enough" so ya still are.
Also "Beauty" truly is skin deep. I'm a decent looking guy, even for my age. My Ex was pretty, but not really 'beautiful' as people tend to think of it. I've dated a number of women who were "prettier" and built better, 'sexier' etc, than my ex. But know what? Many of those women were bores, etc. I fell in love with my wife because she was smart, she was funny, she was pretty, she was all sorts of things I liked and placed greater value on than 'just pretty.'
And while I always found 'getting chicks' pretty easy as a single guy, I did have a strong enough sense of honor that I believed and practiced "Marriage means one woman till death do thee part" Unfortunately, her convictions in that matter seemed to have changed toward the end.
So, if he does have another woman, that is NOT because you aren't pretty or good enough. It's because he's lacking in moral strength, simple as that. Not to say you might not have contributed to that moral slip. If you've been telling him to find someone better and that you aren't pretty, etc., heck you might have actually convinced him.
Just stop doing that. Frankly, it's your computer, so go in and dump all that crap about his social networking. Any E-mails from other women, send them an e-mail telling them to stay the hell away from your husband, just before you remove them from his account and change his E-mail password so he can't see any responses from them. You simply don't have to tolerate that crap.
I wouldn't make a big deal about it. If he rants and raves, just ignore it, wait until he's finished ranting, then matter of factly just say "Sorry" . . .then do it again if he starts back up. He'll get the message eventually.
As for taking his word there is nobody else . . .if a guy goes fishing a lot . . . sometimes he'll actually keep a fish. My wife believably convinced me there wasn't another man, said she wasn't even interested in men, just wanted out of the marriage. Very convincing and believable . . .and a huge lie. Maybe there really isn't . . .but with what you describe, there may be one or more soon.
Just my unprofessional opinions here, so take it with a grain of salt. Many here just think I'm an idiot. Your call, heheh.
Hang in there and know you ARE good enough . . .the fact he married you in the first place proves that.
Life may be short, but . . . well . . . it actually IS short, now that I think about it . . . . particularly when compared to planetary formation and stuff.
it is so hard to hear that there might be someone else. i feel so betrayed, used and abandoned. how do you get the thoughts of them being together out of your head so you can move on?
Me30 H38 D6 Married for 7 years Relationship before marriage 3 years Husband is sending me on the biggest rollercoaster in the world.
I know you are still waiting for your copy of the divorce remedy book to arrive. When it does, do NOT show it to your husband. It's for you alone.
Your peace of mind is found by working on yourself. I know it's really, really hard right now, but you need to start thinking about what YOU want out of life. Not what you want to save your marriage, but what things you want to improve in yourself, what things you want to learn to do, what things you want to enjoy.
Feeling bad about yourself is not attractive; and I know that hurts just the same.
When my wife dropped the bomb on me I eventually started some things to "get a life". Some of them really helped: 1) changed my eating habits: I stopped drinking all soda, and switched to salads for lunch.
2) I started walking everyday. This really made a difference. When my thoughts were the worse, I headed over to a local park and walked until I was exhausted. I had been having a lot of problem sleeping, but when I was this tired, sleep became easier. Between the diet and exercise, I've lost 30 pounds.
3) I shaved off my beard/mustache, got some new clothes, starting wearing cologne. I waited a while to do this, and I wish I had done it sooner. I shaved off the beard just for me because I needed to change something! I was really surprised at the positive reaction from everyone.
4) I reconnected with friends and family that I had neglected over the years. Instead of sitting at home, I could go out and spend my time doing things I enjoy. This was really hard, since I'm not a big social person. I'm now very close with one of my sisters.
5) As to the social thing, my posting here was part of my general efforts to become more social. I was very nervous to make my first post here. I think posting here has really helped me, and I encourage you to participate all you can. The people here are great.
6) I reevaluated how I was as a father. I haven't missed a school event for ANY reason in the past 6 months. Now this wasn't much of a change outwardly since I went to most of them, but somehow this little thing made a big difference to me. Overall, as my wife has pulled out of the family, I've become more and more closer to my kids.
Now, I can tell you that none of this has saved my marriage. But the overall point is that no matter what happens, in the end I'm going to be better a better "awoken" because of these changes I'm making.
You need to do the same things: take care of Angie, become a better Angie. That way no matter what happens, you will come out better off. It's great that you came here. Know that, like everyone here, you deserve a happy and fulfilling relationship with a spouse that loves you for the wonderful person you are.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
i agree with goodfight - you need to work on you right now, improve on you. What are you doing about you?
This is good. Tell us about what you are doing for yourself. We can help you sort it out. I know getting started on this is hard, especially in the middle of all this turmoil. But, you can use this crises to motivate yourself towards some important change!
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
