Well here's mine

[FaithnAK]

if someone told you that any of this was "easy" they would by lying, mind you "easy" is a relative term, it's possible that db'ing is easier for some than others.

This is a very tough process, I'll admit that it was difficult for me until I understood it, and for some people these principles and ideas just click while others struggle with the concepts, they don't understand why some things work and others don't.

Take for example a guy dealing with his WAW. She wants to leave him, she's cold, angry, bitter, disrespectful, and treats him poorly. Why do most guys default to buying gifts, dinners, begging, pleading, grovelling, promising to change, tucking their tail between their legs, taking abuse, etc in this situation? It's fear of loss, they're afraid to lose their wives and in their specific situations they feel like their spouse has so much more value than they have so they have to supplement their value by buying gifts, doing all the house work, paying all the bills, giving money, just to make themselves look better to a walk away spouse that is leaving them. This approach rarely works especially if the WAS is having an affair but the LBS will continue to do those things for months and years in an attempt to prove themselves worthy (for lack of a better word) to their WAS's.

Think about it for a bit, the WAS is leaving. In their minds, they've made the decision to leave. That's a lot of power that's being wielded by one person, a lot of control - that person is in control of the relationship because they want it the least. They view the LBS as unattractive (and not just in a physical sense but in pretty much all ways). So think about attraction. Will you make yourself more attractive to someone who has decided to leave you by doing things like begging, groveling, pleading, supplicating them with gifts, restaurant dinners, money, promises of change and any other thing you can fit under that umbrella? No, probably not. By doing these things you actually communicate to them that you are even more unattractive than they originally thought, you communicate to them that their decision to leave you was the right decision because look at the kind of person you are, you have so little respect for yourself, that you would beg someone to not leave you. That's reality, don't fight reality, observe it and use it.

Better to agree with them.
Better to tell them "you're right things aren't working out, I hoped things would work out but apparently they aren't so splitting up the best thing for us, I don't want someone who doesn't want to be with me so I hope you're happy with them. I don't plan on moving out though so if you need help packing your things and moving to your new place let me know."

You don't act like a prick or an a$$hole.
You don't punish them for wanting to leave you because being a "meaner" doesn't really spell "I love you", all it means is "I hate you because you don't love me anymore but if you change your mind I'll love you again" and thinking like that means you live on planet "fruitopia".

You work on you. You become the best person you can be for you and if you have kids, for them. You rediscover your individuality again, you reconnect with friends, you re-examine your life and find out where you've been shortchanging yourself. You can be friendly and civil to your spouse but get a real life, detach and move on. The WAS sometimes expects you to crawl into a dark hole, lie in the fetal position and be sad while they live a good life, this validates their decision about you, but if you do the opposite and live a great life, it usually forces them to 2nd guess themselves, "maybe I mad a bad decision, maybe he/she wasn't so bad after all, they're living a good life, they look happy, they're doing great, and me not so much so anymore or at least not as good as them, maybe this affair wasn't a good idea, it's not new & exciting anymore, this guy/gal farts a lot and snores loudly, my wife/husband was better than this..."

But then again this is all just advice,
given freely, you're not forced to do anything, you have free will, you have the power of choice to do what you want to do. Whatever you do, lead a good, fulfilling, rewarding, responsible life, one where you're responsible for your self-respect, self-value and happiness.

This is my favorite Post

[Barkley]

On a positive note, I have lost 5 pounds in the last 5 days

[robx]

are you working out or dieting or is that just stress that's causing you to lose weight? Be careful, when you are really stressed you aren't losing body fat, more than likely you are losing lean body mass (ie. muscle) and water, which leaves you "fatter" than you were originally. Plus when you're stressed out, your body tends to produce more cortisol, a hormone which actually inhibits the loss of body fat, not a good thing.

Use this time to make use of all this stress energy,
hit the gym, pump some heavy weight, get that testosterone production increased, it's really good, especially in your 30s when testosterone production has tapered off, you would be surprised how increasing that hormone will affect your outlook on life and give you a spring back in your step.

You sound like you were in better spirits with talks of dog farts, I like that, keep it going (hopefully minus the dog farts). Life is short and a precious thing to waste, you don't want to look back on your life 20 years from now and just shake your head sadly at all the time you wasted being sad and depressed over this situation. Life is for living, get out there and do something that says "thank you" to you and God for having this life to live.

just my 0.02 cents ;-)

[change44]

robx is right...life is too short to waste, however....losing a marriage is like suffering a death of a loved one. It's tough stuff, and you will grieve. Just don't let the grief overcome you and lead you to dark places. You've been strong enough to overcome drinking, and you can overcome this as well. I definitely agree with robx that you should "get out there and do something that says 'thank you' to you and God for having this life to live."

Hang in there, and buy your dog a different brand of food. ; )

[Barkley]

Haha.....thanks guys. I have been lifting weights, but at the saem time have been having a hard time forcing myself to eat. I will survive, just being sarcastic with the weight loss comment

[Barkley]

Update - I am going to have my kids all weekend! I can't wait to pick them up this afternoon.

Also - according to a mutual friends, my wife is haveing a VERY hard time right now. I can feel her cracking on the phone every time I talk to her about the financial negotiations and the kids. I am starting to believe she has not thought this whole thing through......

[change44]

Are you kidding? Of course she didn't think this through before she filed, or at least she didn't logically and realistically think things through. I'm not one bit surprised she's now having a hard time and starting to crack! She was unhappy and probably feeling helpless and hopeless in the marriage, saw divorce as an easy out and now she's getting an idea of how difficult it's really going to be with the kids going back and forth and with her income situation changed. Some people need a big, fat dose of reality when it comes to what divorce is really going to mean in their lives, and I think she's starting to get hers.

Enjoy the time with your children. I hope you take the time to look great when you get them from her, and by all means, act like you are doing JUST FINE. She's a fool if she goes through with this divorce.

Good luck.....ap10

[Barkley]

Thanks 10. I am so happy to have my kids home. I feel stronger every day and being around my kids is even giving me more of a boost

[Barkley]

Ugh! Feeling crappy again today....the roller coaster continues

[DanF]

Hang tough Barkley. We all have bad days. This too shall pass.