Sending you strength, Hockeymom. I think the advice you have been given is very good. You will be ok and you can handle this. ((hugs))
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Even though I am surrounded by family this weekend all I can think about is my H, I miss him so much and today all I want to do is curl up and cry, I have not spoken to him since Friday and neither have our kids, they do not want to contact him at all. I cannot believe this happening to me and I just want him to come home. I started to read DR and while it makes complete sense to me, I just do not see how I am ever going to get him to try. Does leaving them alone really work because I just do not see that, in my case it seems to reinforce him leaving.
m-34 w-33 d-15 s-10 m-11 years t-16 years bomb - Feb 24/10
Hi Hockeymom, I'm right there sitting in that boat with you. I completely understand what you're saying and I too am having a tough time envisioning how everything I'm doing could possibly result in a shift in our M. What I am trying to keep in mind is that I'm making the changes I'm making for me and for my kids. Regardless of what happens with my marriage - I need to grow in this way. That said - there is nothing wrong with being sad - the situation we find ourselves in IS sad. The key is to realize that emotions come and go - they change - they constantly change. Sadness and loneliness always feels like it's going to last forever but it doesn't. Try your best to just watch it but not be consumed by it. Do whatever you can to remind yourself of what I'm going to call core truths - Here's a a link to a great video that makes me weep but also rings true inside and somehow makes me have faith in the wisdom of whatever is true in this moment even if it doesn't feel good:
I just do not see how I am ever going to get him to try. Does leaving them alone really work because I just do not see that, in my case it seems to
If feels awkward to you, it is most likely the right thing to do.
I'm going to tell you there is nothing you can say to make him open his eyes. You need to show him you are OK with this decision and that he's the one losing you.
Being curled up in a ball doesn't sound attractive to me.
Live eac day for you. I know it's hard I have been where you are now.
I can honestly say life is so much better when you get pass this point. I came acroos this nugget of wisdom today by Ben Franklin: "You win only if you aren't afraid to lose"
Right now you are afraid. gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Does leaving them alone really work because I just do not see that, in my case it seems to reinforce him leaving.
Hi HM, I am so pleased that you picked up DR!! I think it will be an excellent playbook for you and will give you hope in the dark times.
I can completely understand why giving your H space seems like it will reinforce him leaving. Backing away when the one we love so dearly is utterly counter-intuitive. However, it does increase your odds of restoring the relationship.
Let me quote one section for you. I have found this to be true time and time again with my own clients:
"One of the things that happens when you chase your spouse is that you take the focus off your failing marriage and crumbling family and put the spotlight right on you. Your spouse gets so annoyed at your that getting rid of you is the only thing he thinks about. Your persistence is robbing your spouse of the opportunity to reflect on what is really happening in your lives right now. Because anger is the only emotion your spouse is feeling, it prevents him from having feelings of sadness, grief, guilt, remorse or other emotions that help your cause."
I encourage you to keep reading, keep trying the principles, and keep your chin up!
Thanks for your post and the quote, I have not gotten to that part yet. I am going to follow this practice, I am just so concerned that it is too late, for 15 weeks I have pushed and done everything wrong and now I just do not see how this can change his mind when he is so far away and so angry, but I guess I have nothing else left to try and nothing else worked so why the heck not!
m-34 w-33 d-15 s-10 m-11 years t-16 years bomb - Feb 24/10
So I wonder why people play mind games!!! I have asked for no contact from my stbxh unless it is in regards to the kids and urgent. He was following this pretty good and I did not have to see him. Until last night, our s10 had baseball and did not want his father to take him so I was going to. My H asked me when I would be leaving and when I would be back, as this is our arrangement, he is only at the house visiting our d15 if I am not there. However yesterday he shows up a half hour early and takes me completely off guard. I do not react and just act normal around him. I then leave with my son thinking well he will be gone when I get back so I made it through seeing him and did not beg for his return. However I get home 20 minutes later than I initially told him and he is still there. Now granted he is trying to repair his relationship with our son, however he knows I do not want to see him and there was no reason for him to stick around. I went about doing laundry and stuff in our basement, he comes downstairs and just starts talking about stuff in general, things I needed to know but not right then or face to face. He then goes upstairs and I tell him to throw down my housecoat (I was going to throw what I was wearing in the washing machine). He does not do this so I ask him again, from the bottom of the stairs as I obviously cannot walk upstairs if he is there in just my underwear. My son then runs down the stairs before my H and instead of just throwing my housecoat down he starts to come downstairs!!! My son stops him and says you do not get to come down here. Now I am fully covered so it is not inappropriate for my son to see me but not necessarily the man who left me! Not sure what he was thinking. We then went back upstairs and I sat at the table looking at photo albums that my daughter was using for a project. I commented on how young he looked and he responded so do you, he then said good night to all of us and left, I said good night but was laughing and acting like it did not bother me at all that he was leaving. I was so proud of myself and felt so good, I did not even cry after he was gone.
About 10 minutes after this I was on the phone with my cousin and my daughter comes in to the room and says Dad texted me and wants you to call him, while I was busy and not about to jump to his request so I kept talking. 5 minutes later she comes back and says Dad just called and got very angry that you were on the phone and not calling him back as well he was questioning who I was talking to. At this point I ended up calling him back and just acted like he had not just freaked out on our daughter and he just had a simple question that did not need to be answered, so I am not sure why he was in such a panic for me to get back to him, but I did not comment, I answered his question and said good night and hung up.
So what the heck is going through his mind, I am not naive enough to think he is waivering or that anything he did last night had to do with me but it was just very strange, especially since we have not seen each other in a bit and I have not indicated to him that he was welcome back in the house whenever he felt like it. Was he just testing me to see if I would freak out so that he can justify that him leaving is the right thing to do?
m-34 w-33 d-15 s-10 m-11 years t-16 years bomb - Feb 24/10
Hi HM ... here's the thing ... you can't read his mind and there is no way to know wat was going through his head. Even if he COULD tell you he WOULDN'T. There are so many possible scenarios and over-analysing his every move and thought will drive you crazy! Have you read the detachement info yet? Here is the link: Detachment. Read and reread it ...
This sucks. I know. But it gets easier and the faster you wrap your head around concepts like Detachment, the faster it gets easier.
((((hugs)))) PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I am not naive enough to think he is waivering or that anything he did last night had to do with me but it was just very strange, especially since we have not seen each other in a bit and I have not indicated to him that he was welcome back in the house whenever he felt like it. Was he just testing me to see if I would freak out so that he can justify that him leaving is the right thing to do?
HM. WAS will always try to justify there action because of the way you act. They expect you to respond a ceratin way and when you don't, it confuses them. This is why is was probably angry.
Now he's wondering who you are talking to. Nice. Sounds like he's panicking a bit. Stay strong. Gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
