It's been a long time, so I decided to start a new thread as if starting again.
My wife decided to that she "loved me, but isn't in love with me" about 4 years ago. We have gotten back together and tried to make it work several times. usually this lasts about 2 months and she claims it isn't working and wants to separate. About a year and a half ago she filed for divorce, but then pulled the filing and decided to try to make it work.
Last November she said it wasn't working again and wanted a divorce. I asked her to wait until after Christmas. She did. About December 27th she told me her and the kids were moving into her parent's house. When she left to move, the kids (who did not know anything of the divorce) started crying about moving away from me (they were 6 at the time) and she told them that when we sold the house we would all be back together again. After they went to sleep, she told me that she couldn't do this to them and that we had to work it out.
She then started coming over to the house more and more frequently with the kids. They started spending the night and pretty soon they were here full time. She told me that she was starting to have feelings towards me again.
Then about 3 weeks ago, she had a partial hysterectomy. When she came home from the hospital she stayed at her parents because there were no stairs. She seemed to be very cold towards me, but I assumed (hoped) that it was due to the medication.
Two nights ago she met me at the house and told me that she had a lot of time to think and she doesn't see this working. She said that she is going to file for divorce next week (this week coming up) and there is nothing I can do to stop her.
She closed out one bank account and separated our car insurance policies. She sent an email to my mother listing "my" bills and told my mother that I was going to need her support. She said that it is best because our marriage is a sham and she is not happy and if she isn't happy she cannot be a good parent.
I am beside myself and I don't know what to do. Please someone give me some advice. If she files (which I'm pretty sure she is going to do) she is going to feel like she has to go through with it because of other times that she has balked on this. She has it in her head that it's best for the children, but I am not convinced.
Just tonight, my son said to me that when we sell the house I'm coming with them. I just told him no matter what, he's still my buddy and I love him very much. A little while later, my daughter (they're twins) says to me that she wishes we didn't have to be apart because of mom's surgery and she cant wait until we're all together.
I did not tell them about the divorce or anything like that. But I'm not sure what to tell them. Whenever I bring these things up to my wife she get accusatory of me planting things in their heads.
I've read DB and DR, but I need some practical advice for not letting the filing take place. I can't tell her not to because I think it will push her to prove that she's serious. If I ignore it, she will do it just to prove she's serious.
And maybe she is serious. But I truly think -despite this going on for 4 years- that she is making a mistake. I am not abusive, I have no addiction issues, etc. When I ask her what is wrong, she tells me that "we just don't work..."
I'd also like to point out that I truly do not think she is having an affair. If she were, it is truly the lamest affair ever, as she is usually at home or school. I suppose anything is possible, but she has sworn that there is no one else and I am apt to believe her.
She claims to suffer from fibromyalgia, though many physicians doubt the diseases existence. Interestingly, they do treat it with antidepressants. I don't know if it is a real disease or not, but something is wrong and she isn't they same woman I married ten years ago. I often think she suffers from depression, but if I bring it up she gets angry and tells me that I try to blame everything on something else rather that the fact that our marriage has failed.
Can anyone offer some advice? I feel like I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.
I hear that hysterectomy can result in depression, perhaps its somehow related to that. Don't worry about the pending divorce, but support the condition if she allows it.
Sometimes where getting divorced and we didn't do anything wrong.
I have had Fibromyalgia for many years. It gets worse the longer I've had it. It "is" a real disease! I hurt all the time. The pain will move around over the body and it can mimic other symptoms. I have had unnecesary surgeries b/c of it.
It is just beginning to get the national recognition on TV that it needs to let people know it is "real" suffering for the patient. The patient needs to see a doctor that specializes in Fibromyalgia.
Depression is a huge side effect.....but depression is not what causes FM. Anyone that is in chronic pain and is limited to what they can do, even to the point of altering their lifestyle........well, they would be depressed also.
Patients usually have to take several meds as time goes on the problem increases. As with other diseases, people have it to different degrees. I hope your W will not have it as bad as some.
Whatever you do, always show her support and let her know you believe that she is suffering and does have this disease. The public's reaction to it has caused a lot of mental anguish for patients. Years ago, many doctors did not accept it as a disease and would basically tell the patient it was all in their head. I know of one doctor who ended up having it himself......so needless to say, he has changed his mind about it. He can hardly get around anymore.
I have suffered from a lot of depression and it took several times before finding the AD that would work for me.
Did she have the surgery b/c she was complaining with pain, or b/c of female problems?
She needs a support group. Both of you can learn a lot from information from the Internet. Most of all, she needs her family to believe her when she expresses how she's feeling.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh, I'm not saying that I don't think it exists at all. I hope that you didn't take offense. I guess what I'm saying is that since Fibro and depression share so many of the same symptoms, I think both can be misdiagnosed as the other.
It was female problems. It was only a partial hysterectomy, so she doesn't need the hormones. She also has thyroid problems and takes armour.
but have you ever asked her why you don't work? If that's her answer, do you leave it at that or have you probed. has she ever expanded on that and given you more of an explanation?
Now is the time to get your hands on a copy of "Divorce Busting"..ASAP and follow it's advice closely. I did this three years ago and my partner and I were eventually reunited, in large part because of the work I did using that book, thank you very much. We have other issues now, but that's another story.
Back to you. Don't panic about the divorce. The best thing you can do now is to be a supportive husband and father. Be strong in yourself and your commitment to the marriage. I know it's hard, believe me, but DON'T ask/beg her to stay. Just let her know through your ACTIONS that you are a very important part of her life (whether she admits it now or not), and leave it at that. Don't initiate any conversations about the relationship. When she comes to you, and she will, do alot of careful listening, without asking for or telling her what you want/need. Save that for when you have both agreed to reconcile. It sounds like right now, she is in a very reactive, depressive state. Don't react back. Keep your cool and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, primarily for your own sanity and secondarily, because this may give her pause. Depressed, unhappy people are drawn to strong, healthy and happy people. So do that for yourself and for your marriage. When I did this three years ago, it was the turning point both for me and for my relationship. I read alot of Dale Carnegie. Do things on your own or with friends. Get a life. Remember that these things are like marathons, not sprints. Come to the forums often for support and get the book! Let us know how it goes. GOOD LUCK!
Guinevere gave some great advice - I'm going to listen to it too. I just started posting today. I received a lawyer letter a few days ago saying my H wants to end our M. I'm hopeful - stupid or not - since he hasn't filed. I've been crying all day and he seems happier, so maybe I'm foolish.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Don't mean to hijack your conversation, but I too have fibro, have been through menopause and have issues with my thyroid. Yes, I've been depressed,and yes, I wanted to beat my husband senseless. Hormones are a crazy thing and the best thing you can do is BELIEVE her when she says she's miserable. Adding in the depression and it becomes 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. Support your wife, listen, and know that not everything she is saying is coming from her heart. Some of it is directly from pain and hormones. In the meantime, take care of YOU and your little ones and become the best man you can for yourself and them. Guinevere was right on target! I got lucky. My H gave me the space I needed and loved me even though I must have been hell to live with. Hang in there. Whether or not she stays with you, you will be a better man. That can't be a bad thing. Good luck and God bless
