I was the girl that when from the first time I saw him, I knew I was going to marry him. We had a picture perfect courtship. Four and a half years later at 22, he asked me to marry him and I said yes so enthusiastically!!! So we dated four 4.5 years, were engaged for 1.5 and now married 2.5…total of 9 years together. We were the “perfect couple” till we got married. NEVER yelled, never really fought ever and even finished each other sentences. We are very different as I am “city” and he is “country” but our values bonded us. IT was perfect. EVERYONE would comment on how in sync we were.
A few months after we started wedding planning, my dad fell ill again with his severe and dangerous mental illness. It drained me. It drained our relationship a little. I was the strong one. I'M ALWAYS THE STRONG ONE WHO NEEDS TO FIX EVERYTHING. So I would make sure the insurance was paying the hospitals, make sure my siblings were ok, make sure my mom was making it through the lonely nights. This time of my life definitely "hardened" me but my dad pulled through weeks before the wedding and we were finally married October 07!
Life was beautiful! Then 08 came. I started staying at work later because that’s who I am. I always wanted to have "the career". Happy Hours once a week became a few times a week. He NEVER wanted to do things I liked and opted for going upstate all the time instead. For a couple who NEVER fought before marriage, now, the littlest of things such as the toilet seat being left up made us blow up. We were both walking on eggshells.
Then June 08. I found in his car pills he was taking to suppress him from taking painkillers. He was addicted to painkillers and was cleaning himself up. Though, looking back on that day I should have approached him better, I stormed into our room and begged and screamed for him to leave. It wasn't so much that he was doing drugs, it was the BETRAYAL that took the air out of my lungs. He was always my safety net and I felt that it was snatched up from underneath me and I was falling into hell. He was my best friend. We told each other EVERYTHING and never had secrets. I knew all his passwords bc he often forget them lol. He knew all of mine bc I just wanted to give them to him even though I know he must have forgotten them bc that’s how he’s always been. I paid all the bills. I allocated his money to our savings acct and his own personal acct. I knew everything and secretly Ioved the “power and control” and now I knew nothing! He left and went to the family reunion without me that weekend. He came back and we started marriage counseling. He was laid off Fall of 08 and I told him to take a few weeks off before he started looking since we were going through so much.
January 09. He did not look for a job. I would catch him sleeping till 5-6pm. I stayed out even more bc I was angry. Marriage counseling did nothing for us. I KNEW he was still somehow on drugs. We emotionally separated. 2009 was a horrible year. He spent it denying it and falling more depressed. . I spent it being angry and cold and never being home with him. I yelled, I screamed.I told myself I was not in love with him because if I said it to my family, to the world that we were crumbling out loud, then it would be true. I tried to convince myself I only loved him but was not in love with him because I was TERRIFIED he would die. The Sunday of Labor Day weekend, he just left one night saying he was going to get coffee. 10 minutes passed; half an hour passed. An hour passed. I finally got in contact with him and told him if he did not come back right away to not come back at all. He did not come home. We were separated and barely talking for 2.5 months.
Thanksgiving week. I find out his car was repo’d. I had come to the conclusion that I am not in love with him anymore but I knew I was the only one that could save him. After a million phone calls I find out where he is and go to him. I tell him to come home and I would help him as a friend. We would do this together. But the marriage was over and it was from the very beginning. We went to Thangsgiving and everyone gasped at his 50 lb weight loss. Yes 50. But no one said anything. My family, aside from the immediate, believe we are just struggling as newlyweds but have no idea of the drugs, separation, etc….We have a quiet Christmas season.
January 2010. On my brother’s birthday he explodes. He can’t take it. He needs the evil. I had to do the impossible that haunts me still and always will. The next morning he was admitted into detox. He came out a week later looking refreshed and then he started intensive outpatient. (For one to get insurance to cover inpatient, one must basically fail detox over 20 times and be on a death bed but that another story for an interesting healthcare debate). I commend him for seeing the bad seeds in his program and he told me he needed to go upstate to clear his mind. He has been working on his cousin’s horse farm upstate and breathing and thinking and becoming his own since March. The following Monday he came down for one day so we could pay parking tickets. He made love to me and told me he loved me, missed me and could not wait to be husband and wife again. I drove him back up. I have not seen him in 2 months.
I realize I truly love him. He is my soul mate. I realize ALL MY MISTAKES. I TOOK HIM FOR GRANTED. I never once made him coffee. He would make me coffee every night. He would cook dinner and clean. I would nag and he often complained about it. He hit rock bottom and I should have been there for him bc he’s my partner. He would have for me. We started arguing on the phone in April mainly because I missed him. I threatened divorce foolishly. But then I realized how stupid I was acting. Our phones calls throughout this time was getting shorter and shorter with me taking the initiative to call most times. I realized that I was truly in love with him my best friend and was going to see him to tell him I put in a transfer for work and that we would get through this together. I called him April 30 with no answer. May 1st no answer and unusual since we always spoke daily.
May 2nd he called me and told me I should move one with my life. I asked him if he loved me and he said yes. I asked him if he was IN love with me. He said he never imagined his life without me. He went up there to get better for us to be together but now being clear, he’s realized he not in love with me. He asked me to file.I begged and pleaded and wanted to see him but he said he was not ready, we’re not ready to see each other and he promised me one day we would. I begged for marriage counseling but he said its not worth it since people go when they both want to save the marriage but he’s not in love with me. I was shocked at all of this. I was shocked that after 9 years, it all ended in a 15 minute phone call. Next day May 3rd I begged and pleaded again. That Thursday May 6th he asked my sister if I was ready to see him. She said she didn’t think it was a good idea. I called him and said yes lets meet but he said my sis was right. He asked about his credit card since he’s getting antsy and wants to start his new life up there with a new job and apt. Again cried and begged to see him and then said “maybe you’re right. I don’t want to see your eyes with no love yet” He got angry and said don’t say that I love you and we argued for 30 seconds and that was that.
That Sunday, May 9th my sis without my consent called him. I told her not to tell me anything but she did tell my that he sounded sure but very angry. When my sis told him that I realized I was not emotionally there when he hit rock bottom and feel horrible, he said “good” and that “It’s just a phase and I always say Im going to change and then go back to screaming, belittling and being angry”.
Last Wednesday, 5/12 he left me a voicemail asking if I sent up his cards, if I looked into and started the divorce if not he was going to look into it, and to see if I was ok. He sounded cold. It killed me. I sent him a 9 page letter explaining our whole time together. Stating his fault, my big faults, and that since we were married either he was fully in it or I was but never together with our minds clear. I begged for marriage counseling. I said if after that his heart doesn’t open, I’ll sign divorce papers. Through ups tracking I know he received it Wednesday evening.
An angel that I know through another forum recommended the book DR and I read it in a day and a half. I know I need to do the 180 and LRT. He would always say that I was so calm, poised, sweet and always was happy and that’s why he loved me and never met anyone like this. With our stressful marriage he would comment on how I became cold, angry all the time, would scream and never listen. So my 180 is to go back to before. My LRT is to not call, plead, cry, write letters, beg, or ask for marriage counseling.
Next post to read first phone call since reading DR
Last edited by papayachic; 05/20/1004:38 PM.
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
I said good and asked about the weather. I asked if he had a good weekend.(He sounded a little taken aback).He said it was fine.
He then said he received my package just now. (it was a quick to the point letter bulleting his bills and his unemployment card)but it did not contain his credit card. (I accidentally forgot to put it in.)
I said o, I really thought i put it in.
He said, o no don't worry just letting you know it wasn't there.
I then said ok when i get home ill take a look. Look at all the bullet points and let me know if you need any clarification. I need to go I have a presentation about my exchange in a few minutes.
He asked, what exchange
I then said the Albany transfer thats either going to happen in july or september(remember i put in for that before all this occured,)
He said o jess, thats crazy you're going to be up there not knowing anyone. Cant you cancel it.
I said, well God is telling me not to have any fear. Im sure ill be ok. Ok well I got to go. Read over everything. Have a BEAUTIFUL day. then i hung up....
Hardest two minutes EVER. I wanted to cry, I wanted to beg. But i kept upbeat and real and short.
I am now dreading the next phone call. Implementing 180 and LRT, how should I respond if he tells me he's going to file?
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
Ask him if he wants you to stay for him, to rebuild your marriage, or if he doesn't. An addiction separation isn't the typical one, is it?
Or, ask yourself that. What do you want more...him or the transfer? Unless he's coming with you, what's the chances that you'll recover living in different states? Could you delay the transfer?
Ask him if he wants you to stay for him, to rebuild your marriage, or if he doesn't. An addiction separation isn't the typical one, is it?
Or, ask yourself that. What do you want more...him or the transfer? Unless he's coming with you, what's the chances that you'll recover living in different states? Could you delay the transfer?
Right now I'm three hours away from him. THe ALbany transfer would make me only 20 minutes away from him. I put in for the transfer a month ago when I was going to tell him that I'll move anywhere for us to get through this together..As of now, I can't cancel the transfer... I never expected this bomb to fall on me.
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
BTW - does he feel forgiven for the addiction, or does he see you as someone attacking/condescending his efforts?
I don't know. I've been telling him that I'm so proud of him and I think he can put anything he puts his mind to since he went upstate in March. But I still think he's holding on to 2009 when I was hurting and just so angry and attacking him.
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
Have you told him about any of your new understandings about addictions?
If you'd be living closer - that sounds great...why do you not want to do that?
Yes I have. I told him during the convo where he dropped the bomb that I have been going to counseling and AL Anon meetings.
I would LOVE to move closer to save m marriage. He wants a divorce and doesnt want me to move closer to him since there would be "no one" there for me.
M:27 H: 33 M:10/07 T:9 yrs H moves away for drug recovery: 3/2010 ILYBINILWY & wants D:5/02/10 Confirmed OW:5/21 Told MIL:5/25(only concerned about H's recovery) Told FIL:5/28(will speak to him)
