XH choosing no contact

[peacetoday]

Hi DB friends

we have had NO word or contact from XH since November( His choice) since I asked XH to leave our equally owned business b/c he was using drugs and basically ruining the business..
XH is M to OW 28, he moved out west

MY s8 called his Father yestaerday from anew phone
I guess XH didnt reconize number
so he picked up -son said daddy--xh said is this (name of son 8 )
so xh said he cant talk he will call son back in 10 minutes
then xh turned his phone off and son kept trying and D tried calling
no pick up ---this is a fathers reaction to his biological children
total lying and abandonment

I was Sad again for my kids to have to experience this
they seem ok
D 15 has teenage anxiety but she seems ok and is working through it healthy I think st the moment anyway
I guess like the rest of us I wish it could have ended differently--not reconciliation anymore but a freindly co parenting situation
It is what it is though
thanks for listening

anyone thoughts appreciated
peace

[Grace_O]

Peace,

I can't imagine what that feels like to you kids. I know you wish for better for them.

My D15 has had lots of anxiety and acting out behind all of this and currently seems to be making better choices. D18 has never said a word. I watch them both and use differnt strategies for making sure they we have as much communication as possible (they are after all tennage girls). My oldest writes (stories etc.) the younger one to some extent is more willing to talk or write me a letter. I'm sure you have things that you do with your kids that work.

I know how hard it is for you to watch. My heart goes out to all of you.

Are kids resilient? Sure. How much are they damaged by this....well that remains to be seen.

I have a friend whose Dad had no contact with them for years (alcohol in his case). Recently, she has developed a tentative relationship with him. She is in her 40's. Better late than never I hope.

HUGS

[naej]

peace, I am so sorry ((()))). How do they do it, if I lived forever I wil never understand.
Your son is so young to be abandoned by his daddy.
Mine (3) have had 3 interactions (half an hour or so face to face and probably as many phone calls of short duration in 10 years !!!) yes I said 10 years.They were in twenties when he left but it still hurts me. My daughter heard nothing for 6 years.
Not blaming x entirely because they refused contact and possible didn't answer hs calls the first year but still he didn't try that hard.
They have grown to be men you would love your daughter to marry. My daughter married and now has 2 children, all without her much loved Dad by her side. He has seen first child 3 times can count the hours he spent on one hand. Not sure he knows of no 2.
Your children will get through this b/c of you and your love. They shouldn't have too, but life's not fair.
My heart breaks for your children, but like me you will get them through this.
Does he have male influence in his life so he will know most men are not like this. Stay strong.

[ericmsant2]

Peacetoday

My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine how your children might feel. As hard as it is to accept..please realize that HE owns this decision - this was not your choosing. DO NOT beat yourself up about this.

Personally - it really pisses me off that these people do this to thier own kids. Then I realize that we are all responsible for our own actions.

Continue to operate with diginity and class and know that one day your H will need to answer for HIS actions.

Your children will choose to forgive him at some point.

Have you considered having your children speak with a IC?

God Bless,
Eric

[mentalradio]

MY s8 called his Father yestaerday from anew phone
I guess XH didnt reconize number
so he picked up -son said daddy--xh said is this (name of son 8 )
so xh said he cant talk he will call son back in 10 minutes
then xh turned his phone off and son kept trying and D tried calling
no pick up ---this is a fathers reaction to his biological children

Reading that made me cry. It is very sad. The only thing I can offer is that some people would rather shut out their loved ones because they can't cope with the pain...

About two weeks ago my 10-year old son calls me after school crying. When I ask why he tells me this story about getting sent to the principal's office with 2 other boys. (2 other boys were trying to cheat off my son's test, and my son refused.) Anyways, I asked him if he told his mom. (who moved out 3 months ago with our 2-year old daughter, involved in EA with a guy in China who she hasn't seen in 20+ years, MLC...etc, etc...) In any case, he starts crying more and tells me, "No. I'm afraid to tell mom." I ask why. He says, "Because I'm afraid mom's going to get mad at me, she's mean these days, and she won't stop talking." To put this in context, in the past, 10 out of 10 times Gabe would always go to mom first. When her 'crisis' hit I became the devil, my son was supposedly 'afraid' of me, blah, blah, blah... It broke my heart to hear my son sobbing and telling ME he's afraid to tell his own mother the story first... It's very sad what happens with our spouses. I'm certainly no angel, but I suppose the best I (we all) can do is to try and be compassionate about what our MLC spouses are dealing with. It's got to be hell for them...well, at least if they have any shred of conscience about the damage they cause...

Anyhow, I feel for you peacetoday. Try to keep a positive attitude about things.

[braveheart]

Peacetoday, does your XH pay child support? Is there court ordered visitation? If it were me, I would call him and DARE him to EVER contact you or your family again. My XW told me to take our two kids to a foster home. She knows the consequences if she ever tries to contact me or them in anyway. They aren't pleasant either.

[SecondChance]

Peacetoday, wow, that is tough. Your kids know you love them and will always be there for them, and that their dad has problems that he has to deal with. Let them know again, if that helps. Your XH is not being a good father, that's for sure, but not much you can do, unfortunately. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. On the rare occasions that my teenager opens up to me, I learn that he has consulted with his friends with parents divorced, and finds some peace and acceptance in that (though of course I wish he'd never have to go through it at all, but it is what it is). I also know that he appreciates honesty from me (appropriate for his age only), and that helps him too. ((hugs))

[glamgirl]

Peace so sorry your kids are having to experience this. Your h will have regrets one day or that may even be happening now.

I think your h's pain runs so deep that he can't cope with his own self let alone his children and being the failure that he is.

My s21 had no contact with his dad from age 7 until age 20. When his dad finally talked to him his dad had so many regrets and broke down sobbing to me and s21 asking for our forgiveness. It was quite the reunion. S21 has somewhat communication with his dad now, but those precious years are lost forever.

Do you have email or address for your ex h. It might be helpful if you could contact your ex and ask for some kind of a committment on his part to stay in contact with your kids. Sometimes we just need to reach out to those that are hurting and see how we can be of help.

I know when I spoke to my ex after all those years, he said he was afraid to find me and reach out since he thought I was mad at him after all those years. That was not the case. I had moved on to my current m and had put that life behind me.

Hugs!

[braveheart]

Glam. What is the latest with your situation? Are you divorced yet? As for what you have said regarding XH and your son, I guess I have a little different outlook on things as everyone knows..... When you go 13 years without contact with your child, you are a pathetic person, MLC bullcrap! When you choose to have kids, they are your responsibilty, I don't accept excuses like; "well I had to find myself, I had an MLC, I am afraid you were mad" I call bullcrap on that. I find it remarkable that fathers and mothers choose to wait until their kids reach legal age to have contact with them again once they are beyond their responsibility. Our society has diagnosed every abandonment of obligations with some sort of illness or disorder. The reason why people behave this way is because its tolerated plain and simple. If you are so bad off that you cannot have any interaction with your own children due to some pain or disorder, you need to be in an institution or jail until you "find yourself" or overcome your problems, because you are of no benefit to society.

[glamgirl]

BH I can understand where you are coming from, but without forgiveness in your heart how much better are you than the person that ran away? My ex h was not in MLC.

I simply did not make excuses for his behavior. What I did do is moved on from the situation and made a good life for S21 and myself. S21 sees that and has turned out to be a wonderful son.

What I did do is when my ex h reached out to me I simply forgave him for his wrongs in life and the path he chose. My ex h has to live with his mistakes for the rest of his life.

How much better off would I be if I held this against him for the rest of my life? Forgiveness can be a wonderful thing. People are of the flesh and they will make mistakes in life. Does that mean we should punish them for the rest of their lives. Trust me they have to live with themselves and their wrong doings. I have made mistakes in this life too. I am not perfect, nor should I expect the next person to be perfect. This is actually something that God has shown me throughout this journey.

BH it sounds like you hold onto bitterness. In the end, BH is that truly what you want? I am sorry that you are still hurting from the past. We just both have different views that's all. Doesn't mean one is better than the other. I just choose a different path for my life than you would.

Forgiveness is not for the other person, but for you.