Exposed finally,,limbo land

[Optimust]

OK, I’m thinking there are mistakes being made on my part(obviously), we are waiting until school gets out to separate so we don’t mess the kids up, less than 2 weeks.

I told her,’You need to find someplace to live’
Her,’Why me, it should be you’
Me, ‘I think we need to separate’
Her, ‘I think so too’ {--- I don’t like that, I want her to stop affair, not move out, right?

Even though she said she wasn’t going “to go up there and see him”, she is TM and calling him still constantly.(should I stop the monitoring, cause it really stresses me out sometimes)

She made dinner 2 nights in a row(has never happened in 15 years), like she is buttering me up to ask me to move out instead of her. She told her BF that we were going to wait to tell the girls and do it slowly? So, sounds like she is all ready mentally to move out. Yet, if she moves out, it will be at the end of the month, because I don't know anyplace that starts thier lease in the middle of the month.

I plan on using the phrases in the last couple posts to dissuade her from leaving and stop the affair nearer to the time kids get out of school(should I do it now??), but beyond that, what do I do, just let her move out(without my help of course).

My anxiety is rising again, and need some kinda reassurance, I know you guys can’t really give it to me, but I need something.

[kenmoore14217]

Where are the tough people in this thread. I'm new and can't relate to this situation but I have read so many situations and it seems the tough people are the correct people! This guy is floundering IMHO and needs help big time!!!!

[TimeHeals]

Dude, if she isn't going to stop the affair, she moves, and you are better off.

How many times do you want to go through this?

Pack her crap for her. Make it too miserable for her to stay if she won't leave nicely. Wash her whites with a new black t-shirt, let dishes pile up, and so on if you have to.

Do things to make her go and tell her she has a week to find a new apartment.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Where are the tough people in this thread. I'm new and can't relate to this situation but I have read so many situations and it seems the tough people are the correct people! This guy is floundering IMHO and needs help big time!!!!

And YOU'VE been helping him? I must have missed those posts.

Puppy

[newmama]

Optimus Prime, I am impressed that you have decided to take the strong, tough route! Well done! Slow but steady, keep planning, too--very very wise. But I,too, wonder if you need to wait the full 2 weeks.

I saw you were having anxiety earlier tonight...just remember that although it feels like each day is "do or die" and your whole future depends on THIS MOMENT, THESE WORDS...the reality is that boundaries, confidence, restraint, faith and strength will get you through this.

The affair will end up being "not worth this hassle" and the marriage and family will be the comforting option.

(Remember STRENGTH and FEARLESSNESS are very attractive! You will become more attracted to yourself, too!)

you can take the word "work" out of this and it will still make sense:

, and re-discovering what it was that made us fall in love with each other to begin with and we can rebuild our marriage to be much better than it was before.

[newmama]

And another thing- I wonder what would happen if you had some things already drafted, typed up, ready to go to show her if she chooses to move out...

Like the visitation plan, division of finances, conditions for communicating (only about kids or money, through email, etc.).

But first you start with the positive: If she chooses to rebuild her marriage, save her family and end the affair, you want to make this marriage better than it was, and have a happy and fun family life.


To make it seem more appealing-mention the fun things you look forward to getting to do with her and the kids! You know, now that the kids are this age and that (sorry I don't remember) you can't wait to take them ___and we will have such a fun summer ahead of us!

And what if you listed all the things you see that YOU need to improve for your marriage; like recognize the areas where you slacked.

Now I realize that might sound like pleading, but if it is done like

" Obviously, this affair is a wake up call that some things are lacking in our marriage. [I am sorry for choosing work over you and you better believe I am changing that as of now. We need to reconnect through dates and I need to compliment you more.]

It will be tough for me to change but I am willing to do it because I am dedicated to rebuilding our marriage so that we are closer, affectionate, and truly have a fun and playful relationship! " etc etc (your words!)

But then you have the typed up, prepared "drafts" (because you would be willing to negotiate some of that stuff) of the arrangements if she chooses to move out. It shows you are prepared and not afraid to lose her (temporarily) if she wants to move out.

I don't know--just ideas--and one more thing:
remember, if she still chooses to move out, it will take some time for your boundaries and the exposure to have an effect on the affair so do not get too worried.

[Allen A]

Good post nm

[Puppy Dog Tails]

And another thing- I wonder what would happen if you had some things already drafted, typed up, ready to go to show her if she chooses to move out...

Like the visitation plan, division of finances, conditions for communicating (only about kids or money, through email, etc.).

But first you start with the positive: If she chooses to rebuild her marriage, save her family and end the affair, you want to make this marriage better than it was, and have a happy and fun family life.


To make it seem more appealing-mention the fun things you look forward to getting to do with her and the kids! You know, now that the kids are this age and that (sorry I don't remember) you can't wait to take them ___and we will have such a fun summer ahead of us!

And what if you listed all the things you see that YOU need to improve for your marriage; like recognize the areas where you slacked.

Now I realize that might sound like pleading, but if it is done like

" Obviously, this affair is a wake up call that some things are lacking in our marriage. [I am sorry for choosing work over you and you better believe I am changing that as of now. We need to reconnect through dates and I need to compliment you more.]

It will be tough for me to change but I am willing to do it because I am dedicated to rebuilding our marriage so that we are closer, affectionate, and truly have a fun and playful relationship! " etc etc (your words!)

But then you have the typed up, prepared "drafts" (because you would be willing to negotiate some of that stuff) of the arrangements if she chooses to move out. It shows you are prepared and not afraid to lose her (temporarily) if she wants to move out.

I don't know--just ideas--and one more thing:
remember, if she still chooses to move out, it will take some time for your boundaries and the exposure to have an effect on the affair so do not get too worried.

GREAT approach, Newmama -- I really like this plan!!



Puppy

[Optimust]

It is her father's advice to not seperate until kids are out of school, for the sake of the extra drama that it could cause if thier friends talk to them about it, as well as grades. I want to keep him on my side in this, as well as I feel these are valid points.
Last thing I heard before sleep last night was an incoming text, that she answered, and the first thing I heard this morning also incoming text. Very upsetting, but I couldn't compose myself in time, because I had to get the DD's off to school and leave for work two minutes later.

Niether one of us is good at confrontation, which makes matters much worse in these situations.

I'm very scared to use something like this, but I'm also tired of TM's:

I feel that the constant TM’ing, especially right in front of me and DD’s or in our presence is horribly disrespectful to all of us, it needs to stop. If you continue to flaunt this in our faces and continue disrespecting me and DD’s, I think you need to sleep in the basement or family room until you move out.

This would also resend the messege that I will not be the one to move.

[Allen A]

Optimiust.. You can buy a cell phone jammer for like 100 bucks I believe.. that should put a stop to any cell usage within earshot of you...