Wife abandoned me...Now What?

[Truegritter]

I don't know how I could prevent that any longer.

Mike you can't prevent her from doing ANYTHING.

You only control you, right?

So if she wants a D, she'll get a D.

Just saying look at it from the POV of what YOU want.

And act accordingly.

The frustration will leave you when you do that.

Because you're not expecting anything except what you choose.

It is tough to understand and it takes time but it is another step in the process of healing yourself.

This isn't about her anymore it's about you.

[MrBond]

"I'm almost positive my W has had enough of everyone holding back her relationship with the OM...and she's to the point of deciding to throw in her towel and file."

That's mind reading. You don't know what's going through her head so stop overthinking what she MIGHT be thinking.

Concentrate on YOUR life.

[Mike.4545]

You guys really are right on, and I thank you for your support.

I just need to surrender to whatever will happen, and stop trying to control it all so much.

I need to just free my mind and live.

=O)

[Clark_Kent]

But don't push her to file... let her family put the pressure on her that they already here... you just steer clear...

She's going to have to give up an awful lot to pursue her A and she knows it... Whcih is why she's hesitating...

Now you just have to make it easier for her to come home.

Don't be a doormat, but you don't want to curse and yell either.

Stand up for your self respect, act distant so she has to pursue you.

She's under a lot of stress from her family right? So, let that build up in her... It's a game of chicken between you two right now... Just hold on for a bit more...

Remember OM is likely getting impatient too.

You ant to know how many times my wife ended her affair before she finally gave OM the boot for the last time?

I put the presure on her and then just stood back and waited... OM and her fought and fought.. she got sick of him long before she was ready to file...

And I just watched and kept the pressure on...

Your wife will end it probably several more times and OM will get fed up and give up on her...

He's a long way away and OM don't like to be stuck out in the cold like that... OM is PO'd right now and he will take that out on your wife if you leave them to themselves.. they will fight...

[Mike.4545]

I hear ya Clark. I'll back off a bit here and leave things be for now.

[Mike.4545]

Okay, I could use some advice. Here's a recap of my situation:

Bomb (LYBNILWY)4/22/10
Affair discovered 5/3/10, began Jan/Feb 2010
Separated 5/22/10 - Present
Affair exposed 7/7/10

- At the time of our separation, my wife promised no-contact with OM.

- I found out a few weeks later that she was still contacting him.

- She again promised no-contact with OM.

- About a month later, I discovered that she had flown out to spend two weekends with him in the month of June.

- I exposed to her family and since then, they have laid the pressure on that her relationship with OM is not going to be accepted.

- Again she said no more contact with OM. They broke it off, he won't contact her, and she won't contact him.

- Three weeks ago, I found out that she had taken another trip and was spending the weekend with him. I busted her, and she admitted that she had resumed contact with him for around a month prior to this trip.

- I had a long conversation with her Monday when she got home from here "Love Trip" and said I was done with these games. I told her that she needed to recommit to our marriage or she could forget about talking to, or seeing me ever again. She said she needed time to think, that she didn't know what to do.

- She was a mess all that week. She talked to her folks, and they asked her if she could see a future with me as her husband. She said she didn't know. Throughout our entire situation the answer to that question was always a definitive "NO."...but whatever...I don't put much stock in it.

- In the two weeks since this, I've backed off any further relationship talk...and have not pressured her anymore for a decision. Also, I've only seen her once and talked to her maybe three times.

BUT NOW WHAT? I know that for my own well-being, I cannot continue on this path of being repeatedly lied to, betrayed, and cheated on.

My plan as of now is to write her a no-contact letter. It will state that if she won't commit to cease any and all contact with OM, and agree to full-transparency with ALL of her financial/communication accounts, then to please not contact me for any reason. This treatment is too painful, and cannot be tolerated anymore for my own well being...and that if she needs to relate any information to me, it can be done through a third party. I'm still debating whether or not I should ask for her to resume her sessions with our counselor as well.

I just cannot continue any type of relationship with her if she's going to keep seeing the OM...but I'm just not exactly sure how to proceed. Any more of these little discoveries of betrayal and I'm not going to have any feelings left to salvage.

Any help would be fantastic!

[Grocerykartman]

Well, what happens if she reads your letter and scoffs at it? I wrote my wife one letter along these lines, and it did no good. Not saying it can't work, but I think the odds are against it. It's another form of pursuing. What's worse on your end is:

1. You will be putting your heart and soul into this letter. Can you take the results if she continues to behave as she does afterwards? She may very well not even appreciate the time you took to write it, much less start to act in a way you can start to work on your relationship with. Not to be overly negative here, but if you are very hopeful deep down that this may make her see the light, you may be disappointed.

2. Whatever you say in this letter, you'd better be fully prepared to follow through on. You have tolerated a lot so far. Such loyalty is to be commended, as you're not giving up on your marriage. But what she needs is to respect you, and no one respects people who waffle and waver on what they say (and threaten). Are you sure you can do this? If you have verbally said anything like this before, then you obviously have not backed up your words.

3. You can't take back a letter. Can't write off things you've written as in the heat of the moment either if you later regret saying any of them. It's a hard copy of your thoughts you've surrendered forever once they're given to her on paper.

I think if you HAVE to say these things, then only SAY them, for the reasons above. But, I wouldn't necessarily say them. Let your actions do the talking. Don't let her treat you like garbage, meaning, continue to work on you without any expectations for her. You may be in this for a long haul yet. But you're going to have quit being hung up on her like this if you're going to continue to DB. Right now, you are still more focused on your frustration, anger, and feeling of being disrespected than taking it as best you can in stride to motivate you to improve your life even more.

[CityGirl]

When somebody is emotionally harming you and you have asked them to stop and the CHOOSE not to stop then remove yourself.

Nobody is obligated to endure emotional harm.

[Mike.4545]

Thanks for the input GK and CG.

For a little clarification, my intent for this letter is not to ask for my W to make an ultimate decision about our marriage, to get her to see the light, or to get her to come running back. It will be fairly short and concise and basically say I love you, I want nothing more than to save our relationship, but I cannot, and will not remain in the picture if you're unable to end things with the OM, and continue to prove so through complete transparency.

I'm not filing or asking her to file. I'm just saying that she cannot have me as a part of her life if she isn't ready to stop harming me in these ways emotionally.

I know she won't scoff at the letter, and I'm not doing it for any kind of appreciation. I see it going 1 of 2 ways.

1. If she agrees to end contact with OM, then she'll have to prove this through transparency of all her communications/financial accounts (and a few other ideas I have)...beyond a shadow of a doubt. That's all I'm asking for now as I believe working on our marriage is beyond her at this point in time. She'll have to use all her energy just to mourn the loss of that relationship and she'll have to get through that before she'll be in a place to look back at our marriage.

2. If she does not agree, then I will not accept anymore communication from her in any form, until (if ever) she is ready to agree to end her relationship with OM permanently and adhere to my requests in the letter. If she does not agree, then she will likely resume her relationship with OM and she may file for D, but whatever...I'm would just start living my life as though she is not, and never again will be a part of it.

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