Been thinking about our conversation and am going to hit you with a 2x4, feel free to hit back.
Have you thought about or discussed with your IC that you are depressed? Maybe not clinically but you are on the edge.
My advice for right now is to look into all the different ways to pull yourself out of depression. Are you excercising? Eating properly, vitamins, sleeping enough (I know you weren't last night LOL). I am sure there are other things.
A quick list of signs of depression
What are the symptoms of depression in women?
Symptoms of depression in women include:
* persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood * loss of interest or pleasure in activities, including sex * restlessness, irritability, or excessive crying * feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, pessimism * sleeping too much or too little, early-morning awakening * appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain * decreased energy, fatigue, feeling "slowed down" * thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts * difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions * persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain
Let me also say that depression would be a perfectly natural state for you to be in.
hi guys Sorry I missed all of these...I haven't checked my own post since last week. Where have I been??
Lance Absolutely. I felt terrible last week. Definitely depressed. No 2x4 needed..you are right. Between my father being sick and dealing with my M being over...I was very very teary last week.
Here is the strange thing. I felt terrible for a few days and then I feel OK again. So is that depression? I have never really suffered from 'depression'. I have been depressed before...but never for long periods of time.
Here is my theory on it..perhaps I am completely WAY off. I am not someone who wears her emotions on her sleeve. I am always saying 'I'm OK'...'no big deal'. I think the past few weeks it has all pretty much caught up with me. I NEEDED to be depressed. I NEEDED to cry. I NEEDED to start feeling all the sadness that I haven't allowed myself to feel. I am not sure if that makes me depressed...but I sure felt very depressed last week. I would just start tearing up at my desk for no real good reason. I have felt OK since Friday (perhaps Little Friday did the trick lol).
I do typically exercise but haven't been able to do that so much between going to the hospital to see my father and work...although I did exercise today. I do eat very well. Pretty much the same foods over and over again because I am too lazy to cook myself a fancy meal...but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies, protein, fish etc. I actually get mocked at work all the time for my healthy eating. I'm always very structured for lunch...dinner- not so much. As I mentioned- usually egg whites, avocado and whole grain toast. Pretty much my staple. I lost quite a bit of weight over this whole thing but I did put about 5lbs back on... And yes- I do take vitamins every day. I was quite a health nut before my M fell apart. I am not as fanatic as I was before...especially with the exercise but I will definitely be starting that up again asap.
Now the sleep thing is interesting. I go from being exhausted to being wired. I do wake pretty early in the morning...followed by days that I sleep just great. It is really day by day. Some days I fall asleep by 9pm and some nights I cannot get to sleep....so my sleep is definitely erratic.
Is it depression that is causing to me to question love, my life, my decisions, my passions (or lack there of)....maybe. I'm not sure. Some days...nothing makes much sense to me...other days- I feel alright. I am hoping that this is part of my healing process. Maybe because I never let myself feel my feelings (according to my IC)...maybe my feelings were just crashing in on me...forcing me to feel things I was trying to avoid feeling...if this makes any sense.
Thanks for your input. As I mentioned, my IC told me that in life...there are givers...and there are takers.
Givers are usually attracted to takers...for whatever reason. Opposites attrack??!!! I guess the question should have been...
Why are givers attracted to takers?
or
Why am I attracted to takers?
This is what my IC was discussing with me last week. I know the answer is not to stop giving (because that truly who I am at the core)...but how do I stop getting involved with takers?
My IC seems to disagree somewhat...she is convinced that I am attracted to takers...but she believes that I do need to change my 'giving' nature. We are supposed to dive into this more during our next session.
Regarding self respect and when do you feel like you are compromising it for the sake of your M? My IC also believes there are limits. There appears to be a fine between self respect and unconditional love. I still need to work this all out. I believe in unconditional love...but I also believe in having self respect and getting my needs met (although I haven't been successful at this at all). I need to reconcile the two. Just not there yet.
Lolawar ... I would talk to your IC about depression, if I were you. There is a big difference between "feeling depressed", ie sad, and being clinically depressed, as you know. Don't write off the possibility that you might need to address the issue as larger than a passing sadness. I've personally dealt with post-partum depression, mild PTSD and depression - it's all hard. And you have nothing to lose by exploring the possibility.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I haven't posted in awhile so thought perhaps I should. Just back from dinner at the in-laws. I got to see my H family...and 'our' neice and nephew. I love that my nephew still calls me 'Aunt Lola'. It is the cutest thing.
It gets easier being around my in-laws without my H but I still feel sad. We spent so many days, nights, holidays, birthdays at his sisters house. The drive there..pulling in the driveway...eating dinner at the table...sitting on the couch- all things I was doing with my H not so long ago. I didn't cry on the way home...even when I got lost (H always would drive- and I have no sense of direction) lol.
The in laws asked me if I heard anything about the divorce papers..I was hoping they did. I haven't heard a thing.
Earlier in the week, I noticed that the digital voice recorder that I used to tap my H to confirm his affair was missing from my house. I asked my H if he took it...and he said yes. I asked if he could return it..and he responded.."of course...why? are you starting up your own Private Investigation firm?" I just dislike his "smugness". I guess his way of making light of an awful time in my life??!!! I responded "No need for further PI work...I got rid of the cheating liar..I need it for work"..
The more I think about it...the angrier I get. That digital recorder was mine. No question...it was mine...and he took it. Without asking. Without saying anything. I really cannot have him in my house again. H then emailed me a couple of days later asking me if I had an extra laptop bag that he could have.
I spoke to my IC about this last night....my H's reluctance to grab ALL of his [censored] from the house..and the taking of something that doesn't belong to him..and then asking for things in the house that are mine. IC thinks I need to put the 'gabosh' on this..and quickly. So here is an opportunity for me to establish a boundary. My house is no longer 'OUR' house..it is 'MY' house. He has no right taking things that don't belong to him. He has no right asking me for things that aren't his. He has no right grabbing two things everytime he comes over...we have been at this for months now. NO MORE.
Next time he asks to come over to grab stuff...I am going to let him know that all of his stuff is in the garage. He is no longer welcome in my home but he is welcome to come look thru the garbage bags in the garage. Whatever he doesn't take is going in the garbage. DONE.
In fact, I would consider that, in light of this recent transgression, you inform him that the boundary IS crossed and he has until Saturday to pick it all up. If not, YOU will put it in storage at his expense. Or have it delivered to his address?
