...Taken from one of my favorite poems, Desiderata, by Max Ehrmann:
...whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
I'd like to believe that. There are so many quotes I wanted to put in here, but this one truly describes what I'd like to make my faith through all of this- to just let go and put it all in the hands of the universe- while leaving a lot of flexibility and room for embellishment later on .
So... if you're here, you already know me and you know my sitch. Sorry other folks, you're going to have to join partway in, and vaguely- if that's bothersome to not know details, I won't be at all offended if you leave .
I think what I'm struggling most with these days is trying to learn how to detach, the dawning realization that maybe I don't want to try to save the M after all this (I'm LBS, of course), and just trying to grieve and move on from "what could have been."
The detaching is very hard when you have a person who is doing their best to mess with you and even though they said they wanted out, somehow they won't remove the hooks (so I'm trying to myself)- and I just wonder why? If you don't want me, WHY do you do the things you do. Why won't you just move on? I suppose the logical answer is: b/c they're not really done. Something is left they're struggling with and I just wish they'd first move on, away, then struggle without me present, you know? Jeez.
Speaking of universes unfolding, does anyone ever have theirs just go upside down and have the out of body experience of being blamed for everything, including your spouse having to leave you (huh?), blamed of things you haven't even done-- YET-- but are likely to do, knowing your "character", etc? Treated like a leper in their own house despite having maintained a pretty good, friendly attitude? Again, I'm self- aware enough to know this is their anger turned outward, justifying their actions that have no good reason behind them, so one has to be made up, but... Sometimes it's just hard, you know?
I love whoever said the first 6 months belong to the WAS. The next to the LBS. I'm counting down, then, getting ready and pushing the timeline as much as I can. Using this 6 months to their max and taking every advantage, while slugging through all the emotions underneath everyone else here is going through. I'm 2/3 through that first half and think I'm doing a damn fine job of it. Which brings me to another favorite quote:
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together - when everyone else would understand if you fell apart- that's true strength.” -Anonymous
And, forgive me, one more [emphases mine], that reflects how I'm feeling this week, and most especially tonight- at the end of my rope:
"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." -Harriet Elizabeth Beecher Stowe
Am struggling with how to make this thread useful when it's going to be so general. Will ponder on that. Anyway, thanks for listening friends, to my rambling. Will try to make it as interesting as I can, while remaining... vague.
PS- yes, I know all about providing details on one's sitch in a first post. Can't do it- that's why the intro at start about "vague".
Thanks, D4MIL- your hug made me tear up. It's been a tough night. Thanks for being the first to respond; I know a little of your sitch - from "another life", so I send you a hug right back for what you've been through.(((D4MIL)))
I liked your post. wa's have all the power when they walk. Lb's are just left there in shock. If you go on with your life and work on yourself they come running back. It is a power struggle and we are supppose to be mature adults. You sound great but you sill have struggles on what you are going to do. Continue on as you have been which sounds great or go back to the fight and fight it out. Hope the best for you. You have to decide what to do if the spouse comes running back. Stay the course. Be good to you and you alone.
PS. I am trying my best to detach. Live my life and be a better person for the whole experience. Or really not, just make my life better by changing me and me alone. Can't change anyone else just yourself and come out stronger, better and a much more emotionally sane human being that is fit to be treated right by someone that is capable of loving you correctly.
Par, Papaya- THANK YOU. You have eased this bad night just by being out there, reading and with a kind response.
Amen to becoming that even better person - happier and more fulfilled and at peace for ourselves, and maybe eventually, who someone more worthy will appreciate. I've already been working ongoing for years on becoming that person pre-bomb (that's just who I am, and always a work in progress); WAS is just not evolved enough to realize what he had...I go back and forth now about what I want for my M. I did not want to be where I am- and w/ a young child to boot. But those other days I think, as Gucci or robx says: why would I want to try desperately to win back someone who doesn't want me?
NB. I am sorry I had no words to say. But I wanted you to know that I have been there and from time to time, I still am. I am already at that 6th month mark and maybe I am ready to walk away and maybe do the filing myself. I really wanted to save my m but time is ticking too quickly for me.
As hard as it is for friends and family to hear, I love my stbxh. He hasn't been the kindest person to me but Randy Pausch once said that nobody is all evil. Give him time and he will show you his good side. My h has a good side. I have seen his good side and he was a great person.
You will know the right thing to do. If you want to save your m, that is your right. The Roos will help you.
I have received great support so far. But lately the support has been thin. I replied because it feels awful to be ignored. I wanted you to know that I read your words and you are not alone.
I am no vet and I am still working on me. But I have learned to love myself in the process.
I am still working on me so I am in no means an advice giver. If you want your M than it can happen but DBing is not about saving the M it is about changing yourself so that you are better to cope and relate to the M that your a losing or about to have. Just sleep, and sleep well. Fight your fight tomorrow, make a plan. So many people have no plan, just spontanous fights that makes things worse.Read more of the posts. You will learn alot. You can then form a plan of action. You will be a better person in the long run M or no M. And you don't know if he doen't want you. I told my wife I didn't want her. We don't read minds or even actions sometimes on this site. We wait. We wait. And we don't say hurtful things and we don't make irational decisions. If it is over then let it go. If there is still hope than set back , relax, and wait and see. Hard to do I know. Someone is not going to miss you if they know they can have you anytime. This is a fact. I have used this DBing tactict many of times.
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