I've been working hard and with the help of friends and family my condo is turning into a welcoming home. It's so much easier to let go of stuff... both material and emotional. A faraway friend came by for a quick visit. We did a 2 minute tour of the place and went onto other nostalgic sites and she never said a single word about my new home.
The closest thing was mentioning that she'd always keep the big home to have room for family celebrations and grandchildren when they come to be. I thought, well, heck, that was my plan too until everything changed. It was the first time I felt the sting of the loss of status, not being good enough. Then I let it go. Which is a beautiful thing!
Growth comes without realizing it. I always swallowed my emotions. My mind would get twisted in all the feelings, how to react, how it might effect something else and I'd just shut down. Now it's so much better. The words will blurp out.. based on my understanding rather than defensiveness.
The new place felt like home when I decorated for Christmas and put the three special ornaments which represent each of my kids on the Christmas tree. Once they were hung, a sense of peace permeated through me.
I've been making cosmetic changes, putting in a lot of work and upgrades which have changed a grimy, desolate place into a cheery home. Sometimes I'm horrified to realize I'm going be the sole occupant when my daughter goes to college next year and other times am happy to have found such a good home. I'm resisting the urge to get a dog although I keep thinking it might be a good idea.. but what at long term commitment!
Things are good. It's so much easier to live my own life instead of being caught in the web of the past.
I remember thinking that during the throes of the emotional angst that I'd give anything for a 'boring' life. A life that was about the day to day happenings. I'm happy to be on an even keel.
One thing I've found is that I can joke about the past. And realize how deeply devastated I was, how emotionally wounded.. how much palpable pain I had. It's wonderful to feel so much better and know I've been doing the work to be healthy, to have healthy boundaries, to truly have my priorities in order!
Love and caring to you all. Hope and happiness, health and joy.. and gratitude for what life gives.
Things are good. It's so much easier to live my own life instead of being caught in the web of the past. One thing I've found is that I can joke about the past. And realize how deeply devastated I was, how emotionally wounded.. how much palpable pain I had. It's wonderful to feel so much better and know I've been doing the work to be healthy..."
Then I'm happy for ya' Gypsy. Some of us are still caught in the web of a painful past. You doin' well now lets us know that there is a time in the future for us that we won't hurt anymore. I'm glad you feel as good as you do. I can certainly relate to your description of devastation and pain. "Doing the work", I've found, is important. The passage of time alone won't do it...one has to take 'positive actions' during that passage of time in order to get better. I'm committed to doing just that, but I still hurt.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
The support around me has really helped. Talking to my brother and sister who are very grounded, having friends who speak frankly, my surrogate mother who happens to be my cleaning lady who's seen me in good times and bad create a strong support system.
Trying new things is great, too. I've been in four plays in the past 15 months. The director praised me on my performances, that I'm quickly becoming one of their most important character actors. Smaller roles that add the spice and comedy to the show.
On top of that is having found an exceptional counselor. Being willing to trust what she suggests... like not doing things that emotionally hurt me. Learning healthy boundaries rather than feeling like I should fall on the sword. Asking myself crucial questions when I find I can't sleep or get lost in things... what is the trigger? Am I acting out? Is this me and/or past behaviors rearing their head?
Last night I was exhausted but I stayed up late futzing around. When I finally went to bed, I kept distracting myself. Why? I couldn't figure it out but after I asked myself that question I fell asleep. Today while recounting my experience did I realize what it was. My ex had sent me some paperwork with his new address in the corner. I looked it up on zillow. Lo and behold they'd bought a $700,0000 home in a beach community ten minutes away from his job. I wailed.. I had ALWAYS wanted to live by the water.. but she got that! And he spent bucks deluxe, no doubt from the inheritance from his smaller portion of his father's estate. Then again,I would have been resistant about moving from where the kids were secure. My own anxieties would have gotten in the way of my dreams.
I realized I am in a better place than I was with him, with someone so wound up and unwilling to confront emotional issues that our home was full of unspoken tension. Yes.. I wish we could have shared the wellspring of love, the basis of our relationship before it warped over the years. And perhaps it was a commitment to our children that kept him there for as long as it did. But it's over. I just have to remind myself of that when I stumble over hurdles my subconscious places in front of me.
I am very proud of my children. They really started pushing to meet his new baby.. specifically their little brother, who they want in their lives, who is precious to them. They finally met him 11 months after his birth. Now their dad invited them to come over on New Year's Day for a get together with his wife and her relatives. As I told my son, babies change everything.. that defensiveness softens with sharing their love. That that little boy is a bridge, that he is inexorability their family.
This is a long winded way of saying that the growth comes over time, but it happens a whole lot faster (at least for me) if I use every tool available. And moving out of expensive house to my cosmetic fixer upper in dire need of updating (like the 27 appliances, including the furnace that was leaking carbon dioxide) put the focus on what I needed to do to create a home, a new life.
And when I finally get a fricking job, things will improve all the more. And when I finally haul his patookie to court to resolve outstanding monetary issues.. yep that will be one of the biggest steps. Uh huh.
Keep moving forward. Deal with what you can. And carry the a day at time... a piece of baggage or two rather than the whole kit and kaboodle.
Ahh.. it's late once again. Tis beddy bye time for moi.
Peace, love and animal crackers.. and of course the *hugs*
PS.. Hi, fig!!! What a journey it's been. Time for a job for me, then some MAN time! A novel thought. *hugs*
Missed your post the other day but glad to read it today and hear how well you are doing.
You have taken back your power. I LOVE hearing about you fixing up your house. I watch HGTV every day and as I'm sure you must know - I've moved, moved, moved in the past year. New house at the lake with Josh. Sold my house and cottage. Now a condo in Florida. I am so over MOVING!!! But the new things. Fresh start - wow - what it does to your morale!
I hope this first Christmas in your new home is wonderful for you. Think about the dog. I know how much work it is. I have declined for that reason as I travel so much. My suggestion is to line up dog sitters first - then decide. The day to day walking is so good and also how it helps meet people etc. and the unconditional love.
This is a long winded way of saying that the growth comes over time, but it happens a whole lot faster (at least for me) if I use every tool available.
I am finding out that the passage of time alone won't do it (at least for me). I'm finding out that I have to take positive actions that are in my best interest 'during' this passage of time. It requires real effort on my part, as opposed to just enduring the passage of time, in order for me to heal from hearbreak.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Hey Gyps...just checking in (not sure why but I figured I would come take a peak after several months if not more).
For some of us the healing takes longer and at times I wonder if we ever heal completely. I have said this before, what really helps is to have someone else to shower your love on. Find yourself your own guy to but that beachfront property with....someone who will appreciate you for the wonderful woman that you are.
Thanks for answering! It's amazing. Today would have been my sump'in'sump'in anniversary but it kinda slid by. Only the date reminded me. I always thought 4-10 looked cute. I don't even or care to do the math.
I did have a weird dream though. Some type of construction was being done on a house in my old neighborhood which caused me to park farther up than I ever would have. I saw two neighbors who apologized for how they sided with my ex. I started to qualify... then realized it was a silly thing to do.. and said, "It's water under the bridge." Just the image of the water that was under the bridge is long gone with nothing left in its wake was a very good thought and place to be in.
With that said, looking for a job is tough. My daughter and son both graduate this year from HS and college respectively. Things are going well.
Good news can often does not have the same effect as emotional chaos.. soooo..
It's lovely knowing you all.. and best and joyous wishes for a wonderful life.
If you have elderly parents/family in a nursing home, make sure they have their teeth brushed, dentures cleaned. Studies are finding that is one of the leading causes of pneumonia in the elderly, which usually turns out to be fatal.
