How To Tell The Kids

[DanF]

I guess my old thread got locked yesterday.

Old thread

Very briefly, my current sitch is that W blew-up on 1/3/10. Standard WAW fare. Between then and 6/12, I read 4 books, had been doing 180's and paying more attention to my wife, but it was viewed as pursuing heavily, desperate, needy and not appreciated in the least. Found out about 3 mo EA in mid-May and called her on it. It lasted about another month and I think has stopped now. W file for D the week of 6/12 and snapped me out of my fog. Since then, I have been trying to DB, but have made my share of mistakes. Both of us have lawyers.

I was trying to be good and stay away from this site for a bit based on DDay's advice, but I just got the news that my Hearing for a Temporary Order that was scheduled for tomorrow afternoon has been rescheduled to 8/3 due to my attorney's illness.

I was actually looking forward to this hearing to gain a little clarity as to financial responsibilities and such. I feel like I have been paying more than my fair share of the bills and wanted a court order to decree what should be happening.

I have really been trying hard at the DBing, getting a life, doing 180's and such, but it occurs to me that I probably haven't been acting "as if". I feel like I am in a very tough situation and that nothing I am doing is prompting any change from W. I may need to change tactics slightly.

Anyway, the question I now have is do I approach W about working something out regarding bill paying? I was thinking about telling her that since the hearing was delayed, I want to work something out that looks like what the court MAY have ordered. Something like splitting the bills based on our incomes? Is this a safe topic to approach while trying to DB?

I know it will probably make her mad, but I don't care and I think we need to have some rules. We have also been racing to schedule dates to do things with the kids. If one has already booked, the other is out. Maybe we should lay down some ground rules in that area too.

Anybody care to chime-in?

Thanks!

[Ready2Change]

Anyway, the question I now have is do I approach W about working something out regarding bill paying? I was thinking about telling her that since the hearing was delayed, I want to work something out that looks like what the court MAY have ordered. Something like splitting the bills based on our incomes? Is this a safe topic to approach while trying to DB?

If I was in your current sitch, what would you recommend I do?

I know it will probably make her mad, but I don't care and I think we need to have some rules.

Good. Do not fear her anger. Lead and set boundaries. "I have decided xyz" works well.

We have also been racing to schedule dates to do things with the kids. If one has already booked, the other is out.

Keep all agreements but do not make anymore. "That doesn't work for me. I have plans with the kids that day that. You are more than welcome to join us" Be the rock.

[dday101798]

Is this a safe topic to approach while trying to DB?

Dan, honestly at this point, the only thing to be concerned with in "DB'ing" is to become the best you can be for YOU and your KIDS. Can't say it anymore, if your W comes around, she comes around, if not............ well, remember this?: It is what it is.

She seems too 6 of one, half dozen of the other right now. And, it's still way too soon in the game. Time, patience, and detachment are your only friends now. Give her what she thinks she wants. And since that has serious financial implications, I see nothing wrong with adressing them as they arise. But do so in a courtieous way to her, but always remember in the back of your head so that you don't balk, "If I'm not good enough, nor is my money, or anything else I've provided her for the last X amount of years" She's already proclaimed in the most profound way, she thinks she doesn't want it anymore. Mine didn't like that reality check too much either, but, guess what I told her? It is what it is.

[dday101798]

Oh and on the kdis issue and "scheduling", you NEED a fixed schedule. No substitutions, no excuses, a fixed schedule that MUST be adhered to. You may find yourself getting all overzealous to have that one "extra day" with them or what not. Don't do it! Be firm.

[DanF]

R2C, I would advise you to get an agreement. Tonight I will talk to her about how we are going to split the financial obligations.

I'll also talk to her about a kids schedule.

Regardig outings with the kids...When I plan an outing with the kids, I have consistently been asking her if she wants to come along and she consistently says no. When she schedules things with the kids, she never invites me and if the kids ask if I am coming along, she tells them no.

Should I stop inviting her at this point or continue to be courteous? Continuing to ask her doesn't seem like DBing anymore, it's more like just another chance for her to reject me.

Thanks for sticking with me guys.

[dday101798]

I'd stop inviting for now. Again, she filed for divorce! That is automatically saying, ummmm, NO! And that would also offer reason why she won't ask you.

Why do I say this? Because, ding-dong me back in the school of hard knocks did the same thing and didn't get the same picture for a while. Then I stopped asking. If the kids would ask why I wasn't inviting mom anymore, I simply told them, "mom knows she is more than welcome to join us, but (oh my here it is again, Dan) it is what it is guys, let's make the best of it".

And, do you knwo what the first thing that happened was to get us back together? She asked ME if she could come to dinner with us.

[idontunderstand]

Dan-

Once again, we are running on paralell tracks, here.

I also ask my W if she want to do something that I have planned for me and the kids, I never exclude her. She never includes me. Now, if we are doing something, I may say, "I'm taking the kids swimming at such and such, you're welcome to come." I then keep walking out the door, not waiting for her to say yes or no. It doesn't matter. Last week, I had made plans for the 4th and she said she would come. Then she said she was coming to help keep an eye on the kids. I said I didn't need any help, you can just stay home. Screw her. I can handle the kids just fine and we always have a good time. There is no yelling and screaming, we have fun and play and relax.

As far as continuing to ask, IDK. I guess I do let her know what we are doing but I don't care if she comes or not. Do you know what I mean? It doesn't affect me one way or the other. Yes, the kids notice, but they also notice that she never asks me. Just one more thing for them to adjust to. I guess I try to ask in a way that I don't really need an answer. Me and the kids are going, she know she can come if she wants.

Stay strong and continue doing the hard work. Be the better person.

[Ready2Change]

R2C, I would advise you to get an agreement. Tonight I will talk to her about how we are going to split the financial obligations.

I guess you missed my point. Think hard about what should you pay for. I still happily give MsR2C a monthly child support check. This is for the well being of my children. It is my responsibility to make sure they taken care of. I DO NOT GIVE HER ANY MORE. When I was in the marital home, I kept up on my 50% of the household expenses. Mortgage,utilities,insurance.....

I'll also talk to her about a kids schedule.

"She tells them NO". Are you still married? This is OK after you are D. Stand up to this woman. Make plans for your family. Lead. I give you this advise based on my understanding of what works. Tell her that you plan on spending every weekend and weeknight with your family until ordered not do do so by a court of law.

[bluestar]

R2C beat me to it. Dan, you need to tell her what you are going to do financially. There is no discussion. She can't have it both ways. She filed. She needs to see what that means. Legally, you're responsible for 50% of the household expenses which I would pay directly, not to her. You have figured out what your support obligation will look like but you still live in the home for now, so don't pay that to her. Tell her that you'll buy groceries or whatever. Until the D, you get to decide how to spend it. Make her fill the other holes in the budget.

It sounds like your W needs a serious reality check. She is living in some kind of ballgame, theme park, beach party fantasy. She's not making any plans for what her life will look like after the D. What does she think is going to happen?

As far as scheduling, I like R2C's approach there as well. The only thing I would add is to back off on all the excursions. You really need to be saving money. Certainly not giving your W money to blow on trips with the kids to ease her guilt about what she's doing or funding her new single life.

[Ready2Change]

As far as scheduling, I like R2C's approach there as well. The only thing I would add is to back off on all the excursions. You really need to be saving money. Certainly not giving your W money to blow on trips with the kids to ease her guilt about what she's doing or funding her new single life.

I 180ed and did excursions with the kids. Enjoyed my time with them....What is better for your kids: $300 spent on a great weekend, or having mommy and daddy paying $400-$800 an hour to lawyers to fight......

Control YOUR money. Let W spend hers....