How To Tell The Kids

[dday101798]

W said this morning that she "thought it would be easier on the kids if she went along, but that she understood if I didn't want her to go and didn't think it would be much fun anyway."

She seems completely fine with not going. Last week and over the week-end, I thought maybe she was starting to crack a bit, but today she is back to her old stoic self.

This just sounds like a "whoa is me", "beg me to go" pitty party. Don't go with it.

[DanF]

Thanks for the perspective dday. I've been missing you a bit......

Thanks also to Puppy, Robx, R2C, FFH, LSG, AGM, PMA, SMQ, Coach, Greek and everyone else who continues to support me. You all give great advice and I need to do a better job of following it.

You have all brought me a long way from where I was a month ago. You are a great support team!

[kara]

You're learning from the best,DanF!!!!

[cesco]

Dan
My sitch exactly.. I booked a trip for myself and the kids. Told w that we are no longer a family and by us going to a trip together we would give false hope to the kids and its not fair to them.
We did initially talk about her coming, but then both w and I decided it wasnt a good idea.
Its not healty for you either. You whole vacation will be spent thinking about her, wanting her, being with her like old times.

I went on my trip. Was it hard for the kids. Yes!... Leaving home especially. I expalined to the kids that there will be times that they will go with mom and I wont be there.
I made sure they were occupied all the time and had fun.

I had the kids call mom once we arrived and W appreciated that.
They didnt bring up mom other than 1 time.

Part of detaching is that the family is now you and the kids.
W was upset that she didnt go with us, but she understood why she shouldnt go.

My 2 cents. Trip was good and it was a breather from the W although it didnt change anything for her..

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I asked W this morning if she told D to ask me if she was going on vacation with us. She told me she didn't say that, but when D asked her if she was going, she said she didn't know. D asked her when or how she would know if she was coming along. W told her that it would be up to Dad and D ran with it from there on her own.

W said this morning that she "thought it would be easier on the kids if she went along, but that she understood if I didn't want her to go and didn't think it would be much fun anyway."

She said one of the kids told her that if only one of us was going on the trip, they would rather it be me because I do all of the fun stuff like fishing, golfing and campfires. She understood that and said that this is my kind of vacation. Hers is the beach in Florida or somewhere exotic.

She said maybe she could come for just a couple of days.

She said, "Let's decide later."

I said, "When?"

She said, "Well you're going, right?"

I said, "I'm planning on it."

She said, "Well then we don't need to decide right now."

I told her I'd think about it. I guess I am going to tell her that I don't want her to come along at all.

Dan, why is this something you have to think about? You should have just said:

"W said this morning that she "thought it would be easier on the kids if she went along, but that she understood if I didn't want her to go and didn't think it would be much fun anyway."

Dan: "OK, I'm sure the kids will miss you, but this is probably for the best if I just take them. Look, I gotta run and (insert GAL activity here). I'll talk to you later."

Puppy

[DanF]

I was trying to take R2C's advice to let her talk, listen, validate and learn. I haven't been good at validating historically. I always tried to fix things rather than just show empathy and validation.

I would just practice:

Practice Listening (post everything here)

Practice delaying your response. If she has questions:
"I will need time to think about that"

practice validation. refect back.

W "I think XYZ bla bla bla"
H "Yes, I can see why you would think XYZ bla bla bla"

[dday101798]

Maybe it's just me and my own personal injection after going through all this, but I'm starting to see things as a little confilicting here.....

Dan's W is having an AFFAIR, has finally been caught red handed in it yet continues to deny. The MARRIED other person in the AFFAIR is having a subsequent AFFAIR with someone else. Yet, Dan's W doesn't seem to mind.

How can you vaildate with a mind in this rationale?

[PMA_Baby!]

You dont. YOU RUN!! Far away from it all until you have cleared your mind and can make rational decisions. Then you decide if your going to open the door again.
You essentially become the WAS.

PMA

[dday101798]

You dont. YOU RUN!! Far away from it all until you have cleared your mind and can make rational decisions. Then you decide if your going to open the door again.
You essentially become the WAS.

PMA

BINGO!

[LSG]

PMA_Baby,

Your advice is good for DanF. I think he should just go and let W see what she will be missing. I think it could give her some perspective since this seemed to be so important to her and the family.