You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[old theotherhalf]

Hope I'm not interfering but I read a couple of posts and it kind of fit with what I've been feeling lately. Something that hit me today. How do I let go of the life I had with ex, when it has been my whole life.
I have been seperated from my H for 3 years and divorced for 14 months. I have a new man in my life. I RARELY hear from my ex. Never see him. I hate the man he is today. I hate all that he's done to me and to our daughter and continues to do. He is still with OW. I have started school. I have my own house. Money is tight but I'm surviving. I enjoy life except when I'm alone. Done alot of new things and have a lot of things I'm going to do. Life is just grand...
So I tell myself. And still...
I miss my husband terribly. I miss his laughter. I miss his smile. I miss our love. I miss our freindship. I miss playing with him. I miss him holding me. I miss almost everything about him and our life together. And that my freinds doesn't seem to lessen. I go days without thinking of him. But not many. I don't cry nothing like I used to, but I still cry. I still shake my head, wondering how and why.
So I'm faking it, but will I ever make it?

[whatisis]

old, you're not faking anything! You're just being honest about your pain. You've built what sounds like a good life, that's healing. Trauma, and that's what divorce is, doesn't heal in a couple of years IMHO anyway!

[old theotherhalf]

trust me whatisis,

I do fake it alot of days. It would be so much easier to go back to my old bad DB days and call ex. Cry to him how much I miss him and our old life. To go back to have just one day with him. But the pain and termoil I went through for 2 years is finally enough to keep me moving forward. And then there is the new man, who is so totally different. And treats me with love and respect. I thank God everyday for bringing him into my life. I pray that I won't hurt him. I pray that it isn't a so called "rebound" relationship. But I am so thankful for him and all that he has brought to my dark world.

And IMHO I really don't know if I'll ever be over my marriage. Till death do you part...I meant it with all my heart.

[fb2]

Skimming over your 'sitch' here's my 2c worth ...

I see you are hurting and grieving badly. So its understandable to be angry. When we fracture a bone or get badly wounded we have to rest the limb or not rub salt in that wound. So, if I were me I'd give you a break on meeting together with the teacher or having to encounter a hostile, cheating wife. You are going to be grieving for years by the Kübler-Ross model or otherwise. So, find a few good local friends and maybe a regular counselor who you can rely on for some help.

People will say all sorts of hurtful things and cliches. You'll hear a zillion things like the following: "You must have done something wrong". "No woman leaves a man who treats her right". "She doesn't want to be with you". "Do you want her back?". "What was your part in it?", etc. And none of this is going to make much sense or be of comfort to you at this point. Fact is your W has decided to destroy what's left of the marriage and family and you have to face the consequences! So, be gracious, give them a break, because like innocent children, they don't know better as they are not in your shoes so they cannot be of help or comfort so no use turning to them.

Let go? I'd go further and say aggressively and smartly protect your own interests. The woman is too far gone so do not entertain any hope she'll turn around - that would be a big mistake - leave that entirely to God. So, think 5 steps ahead and while the W is still rolling in the muck of an affair. Get the maximum child custody and property you can work towards keeping and look after the kids as best you can. The fact is the "no-fault" system has no moral standing. So you and your L have to get very busy and creative.

DBing? Do not let it lead you to foolishly hope that you can stop this thing. The lack of social and legal morality have already beaten you to it. There are the textbook DBing people you believe they have "succeeded" by their heroic "efforts" and reach out to be of help but that is probably not quite true as there are all kinds of factors and sitches. And there are the remaining lost souls. Either way its the blind leading the blind. And so you cannot rely on this either.

Catholic? Till death do you part? Then don't file D yourself, let the wayward W do it or you can file a "legal separation" if you have to or do the Dobson Choice thing. The Catholic church for all its might and where you probably got married is very weak against a wayward spouse, the established no-fault legal system and the morally decrepit society you live in. Pastors have little or no training or understanding of real life. People will assume all sorts of things; very few know exactly what their Church or Bible really says. So, pray directly to the Lord your God and find out for yourself.

That's all.

[ClingingToHope]

Orientation went fine. D11 is in the arts gifted academy and her classmates have been the same for three years so I already have met most of the other parents.

The teacher this year is someone who has been involved in D11's theater group, so she knows STBXW and I. After, I told her I want two sets of important stuff -- report cards, etc. -- so I could keep them for my own records.

And I asked for separate conferences. This may or may not be the best way to go. Perhaps I'm running down the wrong path again. My parents, after the divorce, never got together for anything. I don't know if that was right or wrong, I do know I can't remember ever harboring the illusion they'd get back together.

Email from STBXW. She'd like me to not bring the girls over until 9 p.m. Sunday because she's going to a concert. That last part was a dig probably, but then again in my email I'd said I wanted to bring them back Sunday night so I could go out of town on Monday.

I still hate kid exchanges. That's why school year is soooo nice. No exchanges generally.

Focusing on paying down debt helps. Focusing on my job helps. Thinking ahead on the beautiful, smart women that are out there once I'm divorced helps. But I still get caught thinking of STBXW and hoping. That .0000001 percent won't die.

Last night I thought I might never accept it. I may rage against it forever. That's been the pattern my entire life. I'm not sure I've ever really let go of several old hurts. Eventually, I found something or someone to help me move on. But the old anger and pain is still there -- an echo.

[kat727]

Just remember it is a different time for everyone, you will get there. When this first happened, I did half the conferences and ex did the other half. Only problem I had was that ex was not telling them about the divorce. May seem trivial to some but it effects the kids a great deal. so I try to go to at least the girls with ex and we manage to get along. Last year we even went to the bookfair like always and he paid for half the books and I the other half.

Are we friends? No, but we are parents to the same great kids. really important to remember that.

kat

[fb2]

< Focusing on paying down debt helps.
Isn't the W 50% responsible for this? Educate yourself on the dire consequences (including financial) of D first.

< Focusing on my job helps.
Fine.

< Thinking ahead on the beautiful, smart women that are out there once I'm divorced helps.
Lots of recovery and prep work first so don't dwell on idle thought. Think instead how you will care for D8+11.

< But I still get caught thinking of STBXW and hoping. That .0000001 percent won't die.
Whack yourself hard with a wrist rubber band each time this happens until the thought dies.

[ClingingToHope]

FB2, the financial stuff has been decided. I'm only getting around $11k. By my calculations, I should get around $18k, but she is taking a lower child support payment than likely would be ordered in Illinois.

In the end, I come out ahead -- well, not ahead, but less behind.

That $11k will get me out of enough debt that I'll be slightly better off than I am right now. It's going to be a long slog though to pay the rest off. Probably five years. But I can do it. I just have to work my *ss off and be smart with my money. Now that STBXW will be out of the picture financially, that shouldn't be a problem.

Wow, yesterday was busy from beginning to end. I barely had time to go home with the girls for 90 minutes and I only made it to 1 hour of the 2 hour divorce support group on Tuesday nights.

Lots of people skipped last night. Not sure why.

Today, busy again. Lots of stuff popping up at work. I did get up super early to make a $20 plasma donation and I texted Church_31. I'm basically texting her once a week to keep the lines of communication going until the Thursday church group starts up again in October.

Had to go to courthouse to pick up stuff on a foreclosure case I'm writing about. As I was waiting for the file, it hit me that there is a case file on those shelves with my name on it.

That made me sad. But I'm consciously trying to focus on today since I can't change yesterday.

Back to plasma donation. They won't let you donate if your heart beat is under 50. I pride myself on being in shape and have had a heart rate as low as 38 before. I had to have my heart rate taken twice and jiggle my legs a little to get it above 50.

Weird how being in shape can hurt me.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Dang CTH, you're donating plasma? I hope it's part giving back and part financial.

Glad to hear you're keeping busy and financially things are looking alright...oh and the girl prospects too

[ClingingToHope]

Couple of stabs of pain tonight. Minor.

D11 and I were walking home from the bus stop when D11 said something about STBXW going to Wisconsin again. That makes sense. She has a coworker up there whose husband plays in a band. That must be the Sunday concert. I kind of waved my hand at D11 to change the subject.

Later, D11 said she's changing her FB picture. She wants a picture of herself in STBXW's cool new Harley jacket. I headed upstairs to check on D8 because that really shook me up. I got a flash of D11 getting older and following STBXW's choices in life and ... I started to panic. Then I thought "it's a marathon, not a sprint." All I can do is be the best I can be and present a positive role model for her and she'll choose her path. I can't tear her mom down and force her to choose.

Finally, putting them to sleep, D8 was sad. She wanted me to lay down with her. She quietly said she asked STBXW to put a picture of me back up in the "house." She said STBXW said she would.

That made me smile ... but also sad for D8.

Thank God I get to see them every day.

I have to remember the choices STBXW is making are not ones I would have enjoyed. I wouldn't be caught dead hanging out the places she's hanging out. I just got a little freaked out tonight because I won't have the every day, every night influence on my girls that I'd like. In a way, it'll be a life long competition.