Pie, Don't beat yourself up. All the thoughts and feelings you're having are part of the LBS process. You examine and question every thing about your M and spouse. You will find as you are able to focus more on yourself the time you spend doing this will be less and less.
Your H may do this too, but it will be much farther into the crisis.
This is why the the LBS is much further along in our journeys. We are sane (even thought sometimes it doesn't seem like it)when we start the trip. We get to start doing the mirror work and recognizing our part of the breakdown of our M without the band-aids and blaming our S's are using to avoid looking internally. We get to start looking within right away if we choose, without the fog.
Thank goodness for being able to focus on ourselves and deal with our issues. As you start to deal with them and figure them out you will feel a sense of accomplishment and confidence in finding yourself again. That someone you may have lost during the M. You will need this strength to carry yourself and your H through if/when he returns as he will return needing your help and guidance to get through the rest of his crisis. You will be the light shining on the path home, if you choose.
Your H is wearing his mask. He needs the world to see that he is finally happy because he is away from the source of his unhappiness. You will observe cracks in this mask as it is very hard work keeping it in place. At some point if your H is able to deal with his internal issues he will realize that his unhappiness had nothing to do with you. Just as his MLC had nothing to do with you.
Step back and detach as there is nothing you can do to help or fix your H at this time. You can fix yourself though. Going dark as possible really does help. Keep any contact you have with H only about necessary kid or finance issues.
Trying to analyze your H's motives or feelings for the things he does or says are a big waste of your own time. They have no idea why they do the things they do or say the things they say. They could very well contradict themselves in the next breath.
Stop the expectation that he will think or react like the H he was, or that things have the same meaning they did to him pre MLC.
Leave your H to twist in the wind for a while. You take care of your S and YOU!
You can do this Pie! You found your way here for a reason.
TG, what you say makes absolute sense. Its like I'm also on an emotional rollercoaster tho...one day I'll be feeling great! I'm a caring loving attractive funny feisty intellegent sexy person, and I feel confident within myself and what I've gained through this and life feels just fine. Then the next day I'll be beating myself up thinking, is there something wrong with me that no ones telling me cause they dont want to hurt such a nice person or something....why is he treating me like this? One minute close , next minute far....
up down up down.....
The 'I'm great' days seem to stretch longer than they used to, at least, but the 'Whats wrong with me' days still rear their ugly heads
SA, I think my problem might come in when I forget or question/doubt wether he is in a mlc. Like today I'm saying to myself, maybe it isnt a MLC, maybe hes acting funny cause maybe I'm making him react and act weirldy or something - essentially just blaming myself for everything and everything he's doing
And to explain the jeckle - hyde thing : when he's nice to me its cause maybe I'm too distant, and when he's cold to me its because Ive been too friendly.
When he talks to me like a teenage boy, maybe its cause hes been around his BMF (from teenyears) all day - they tend to talk like two teenagers .
And as to why he left his stuff here, and calls everything 'ours' , and buying stuff for 'us', its because hes just being nice and doesnt want to take anything away from me.
And when he says he doesnt want a divorce 'just yet', maybe its not because hes confused at all, its because he doesnt have the money right now.
Ann when he says to S4 - take care of mommy for me, he's just trying to be nice? or something? i DONT KNOW!!!
Basically on a bad day like today, I'm tellng myself, 'don't be silly its not a mlc, YOU are making him act weird like this, you should just tell him to get lost cause he really just doesnt love you at all and never has, cant you see that, are you stupid or something?How pathetic'
Its driving me nuts.
Pity party
And tomorrow I'll probably be fine. But this up down thing is gonna put me in the looney bin.
Thank you so much both of you for your advice...maybe its just gonna take a little more time for me to get to that nice stable place...I'll just keep trying to aim for it and know I'll get there sooner or later...
The first thing you have to do is stop reading into everything he does. You can't possibly know *why* he's doing something--he's not even sure why he's doing it.
And you don't MAKE him do anything. We can't make anyone do anything. No matter how hard we try. He is doing all of this on his own, even if he were reacting to you--he's still the one who is control of himself.
No matter how much we try to blame other people for our actions or how hard we try to absorb to guilt for someone else's reactions... we are only responsible for ourselves.
You didn't *make* him go away any more than you can *make* him come back. So stop trying... it is out of your control.
That can be one of the hardest things to grasp. This bullsh!t has absolutely nothing to do with us. Never did. Never will.
And stop trying to determine whether he is in an MLC or not--it doesn't matter at this point.
No, it doesn't. It does not matter at all.
He is gone, for whatever reason.
Knowing IF he's in MLC or not isn't going to help you get through it.
Working on you is the only way you are going to get through. Put H, all of his games, all of his excuses, put all of it aside and focus on you & your son. The life you build from here on out for the two of you is the ONLY thing you are going to be able to control.
I've found that dealing with an MLCer is like driving behind someone who is wildly fishtailing out of control. They keep spinning from one extreme to another--your job is to stay in control and not get thrown into a ditch because they got close enough to knock you out of your lane.
Both hands on the wheel, pie. Eyes straight ahead. Breathe. Focus. Detach.
I know it's hard... omg do I know it's hard. But it's the only thing you can do right now. Detach or he will drag you into this mess with him. You can't function like that. Your son needs you.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
Beingreal, thank you so much for posting. All the stuff you said really helped, and one thing you said just made everything click into place : 'Your son needs you'.
Feeling alot better and back in control today. Focus seem back on me again now, H is coming round this morning to drop S off nd fetch him later, and I'm in the right frame of mind thank goodness, no more being pulled in to whatever weird stuff he does, good or bad, its gonna continue for god knows how long, and I'm tired of being 'knocked out of my lane'!
Got lots on the go today! Yoga, and two barbecues been invited to! BGF's bday barbecue, and other GF barbecue & playdate for S...so all in all a good GALing one!
Mercury's retrograde comes to a standstill today and for pisces that means clarity on a close relationship - I think the clarity is that this aint going nowhere for a looong time, so just to get on with my own stuff.
And when it does start going somewhere I can decide then if i still want it, with my new healthier sense of perspective on life!!!
Now I'M the one that feels uncomfortable Having a hard time lately...feel like I just can't be upbeat, I smile and I'm friendly, but I think he can smell my discomfort through my smile:( I dont know what to do about it...as i can see it then makes him uncomfortable, and he probably thinks I'm cross with him or something....
You know what I think it was that made me blue again? Expectation.
Just before he went overseas he was contacting me, making huge promises to buy me things, saying things like 'look after mommy for me' to S, and just getting closer to me. And I let it go to my head
Now he's all off on his own mission again, completely not bothered by any of the things he said, and not even making much eye contact
So I'm blue. I'm just not one of those people who can switch off their expecations after something positive happens I just love this man so much, dont ask me why, after all that hes done, i should hate his guts, but i dont.
Yes i get angry when he crosses a boundry, and i put him in his place, but no matter how much this man does that I still love him - WHY????? Whats wrong with me!!!!! Why can't I disconnect! i was doing SO WELL a little while ago, and I feel like I'm back to square one - being all emotional, and just ...soft.
I dont know if i can make it through...today is one of those days...
K doubts about OW being his PA are up again - just saw a photo pf her on FB, and saw somthing that made my heart drop into my stomach.
Years ago, I asked H to buy my two pendants to wear on one chain around my neck. A small cross and a heart made of diamonds. The heart was one big heart shaped stone, surrounded by a rim of smaller diamonds.
I never took them off, ever. One day I had them cleaned and put them in my handbag, and somehow they must have fallen out. Or the maid took them, was VERY distraught. Everybody always commented on ho beatiful they were, and they become a 'trademark ' of me.
So guess what his PA has hanging around her neck? The exact same heart, and a very similar cross. Mine was custom made. The only difference being the colour of the heart stone - mine was blue - hers is clear.
Coincidence? i think not.
Fuming, upset... And slightly nauseous.... Think I'm going to go throw up now
Yoga, and two barbecues been invited to! BGF's bday barbecue, and other GF barbecue & playdate for S...so all in all a good GALing one!