Well, My nerves are about gone. Im at the point right now to where my wife tells me what she is going to do or Im done. She refuses to say its over and move on but she never says anything positive, always talks about the past, always spins the very few comments that she makes that are positive days later negative. She doesnt take many of my calls. Never wants to discuss the next step. I am waiting on her to tell me lets fix this, Im on board and set up monthly meetings at my church. She is negative as can be can acts like she doesnt care, but when I say she doesnt care she will say I didnt say that! I say your actions tell me its over that you cant help fix this and of course "I didnt say that". Im ready to be happy and if she doesnt want a life with me she needs to say so and lets start living completly seperate lives, share nothing and move on, but she wont do that either right now? What the hell is this about? Im lost.
Stop pursuing her and just move on yourself. GAL - Get a life.
Do this:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Lee... Have you not listened to anything anyone has told you?
She doesn't take your calls... why are you calling her? You try to get her to discuss the "next step"... more pressure. You tell her her actions say she is done... why are you talking about that?
If you want to be done, keep doing what you are doing. You are pressuring her still, pushing her away as fast as you can...
I still don't think you've read the book. Read it. Not bits and pieces. Don't try to pull out the things that fit the way you think things should be.
It may not work, there is no guarantee at all. But DBing correctly will feel "wrong". It goes against your instincts. But, look where your instincts have gotten you. Do you think they are helping?
Yea, I know Dan. Its hard to over come the logic thought process. I go by what she says and what I see. It just baffels me that she just doesnt say she wants to quit.
I pretty much just told her she knows our situation, she is either in or out. I cant just let this go on forever and not move on with my life and be content with her holding a sword over my head. Eventually you look up and say just do it. Im at point today. I told her shes on board or not, whats it going to be? She said I got to go and hung up. Im tried of all the negative talk and I want to be happy.
It took tears to get where you are now. It's going to take months for it to change.
She has made it clear that she isn't sure what she wants. So any choice made right now is yours.
Why did you have to post that?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I have done all I could. ( I could list the actions) I am at the point now to where enough is enough without some small step. BUT I dont want to be the one to quit on my family. Its not in me. So I want her to choose. I really want to stay togther but I dont want to be doing this forever, treated bad, respected, happy, and something to look forward to also. Ya know?
I know. In the end I had to pull the trigger. If you are at that point, then you have to do it. All I am saying is that if you make the choice, it is your choice. We don't get to say "She made me do it."
You've been here just a few weeks.... that's a long way from forever. If you really want to stay together, why not commit to really trying to change the way you are doing things, say for the rest of the year. Then see where you stand, how you feel.
(And in my previous post it should have be years, not tears... though I expect there were both!)
At the risk of having my head taken off, I want to challenge you to rethink the statement that you have done all that you could.
Have you tried to back off of her? Have you stopped pursuing her and gotten your own life? I am in the same spot as you, though my H just told me he does want to try on Sunday - he is still contacting the OW and I don't feel he's really on board yet. But I understand having the sword over your head feeling like someone else is about to determine if your family will stay intact or not.
But you have the power to work on you and make you happy. You can focus on the person you want to be for your next relationship - either a new one with her, or a new one with another person.
For me I can think back (a looooonng) time ago to a boyfriend that was more in love with me than I was with him, and I remember any of his whining or his statements of how much he cared to me at the time were a turnoff because I didn't know where I stood. Had he detached a little and been a stronger independent person, not just a lump that wanted to attach himself to me, I think I would have felt an immediate pull toward him rather than feeling like he annoyed me. Ultimately I ended things because all he was to me was an annoyance. I try to remember that but in MY situation my DH is what I was, and I am who that old boyfriend was. I will not be him. I will be my own person, I will be the best parent I can and the strongest person I can.
Have you tried to do any 180s? Detach from her? GAL? Stop pressuring her and focus on you?
If you have and you felt you got no where, I am sorry. I am truly posting to try to help and make you think from a different angle. I know it hurts to be where you are, I do know.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
At the risk of having my head taken off, I want to challenge you to rethink the statement that you have done all that you could.
Have you tried to back off of her? Have you stopped pursuing her and gotten your own life?
I did for a couple of days and when I detached she text me the next morning asking if a girl on my FB page was calling me and then she hinted at having 2nd thoughts and I asked if she was and she said yes. >>then we went to see tha pastor and I got some decent answers etc and then she has backed off again and not moving forward to a plan he talked about
Quote:
Have you tried to do any 180s? Detach from her? GAL? Stop pressuring her and focus on you?
