All that talk about "you can't control" and "let go" etc and here the WS is HOLDING ON to a SECRET - The AFFAIR
IF you are truly going to let go, you have to let go of your secrets too...
Out the A
Good point
The worst part about it Allen is they holding onto a secret in hopes that not to out the person will somehow make their 'maybe' reconciliation easier. How do they know outing the person to all those involved won't actually create a chance at reconciliation as well as make it easier? They can't possibly know it.
I have found the only way I can know I've made the right decision is based on what is best for me. If I'm trying to make a decision and I'm pondering the impact it will have on other people, the possible outcomes and consequences of my decision - with all the variables inherent in just those two (and there are many more) how the heck can I possibly know I made the best decision? If my yardstick is me, then I can know I made the best possible decision.
And I'm not talking about a "It's all about me and screw everyone else" selfish mentality here. I'm talking based on my own personal values, my boundaries, my code of ethics, my knowledge of right and wrong, etc...
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I always thought the only way to know something is to try it.
It's the difference between knowledge and wisdom. You can learn knowledge but you earn wisdom (by experience). Two very different things.
You're totally right on that point. Endless theoretical studies won't do a thing until it's field tested.
The control thing is the part that makes me laugh. Control is an illusion and all this emphasis on do/don't do this because 'this' will happen is a waste of time.
Exposure is just that - exposure. It's an uncovering of the TRUTH. The truth does set us all free in a very real way. Most people only want to 'see' the parts of the truth which make them feel good or fit into their paradigm of how life operates.
Case in point - try showing a WAS their rationalizing, re-writing of the past, destructiveness of the path they're on, etc... - they don't want to see it. The only thing they will look at, and STARE at is anything which will only bolster their position.
I watched it happen with my WAW. Anything contrary to their position is either ignored, not seen (as if it's invisible) or ejected. I've seen it thousands of times over the course of my adult life - including my own behavior. I used to teach martial arts and self-improvement classes and I know from experience how difficult it is to show something to someone they are unprepared or unwilling to see. It's amazing.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
The one thing we can probably all agree on is this: you MUST, in this process, look at yourself and what you're about and what you want in a relationship - what your personal values are. If you don't respect yourself - no one else will either.
Therefore, it stands to reason that if you are looking to make your relationship congruent with your values, any action you take or don't take must be to that end. The reactions of others, including WS, are secondary.
Just wanted to post a little update since I have not done so in awhile.
Things are basically status quo around here. H is acting friendly, but not happy. He's participating at home but he doesn't seem fully here. He is kind but not affectionate as a husband should be. In other words, it's like having a roommate and not a spouse. I'm sure this is because he still has not regained the old "in love" feelings. He continues to not be inappropriate in any way, in his actions, so I can't complain there. I've even been going on his nightly jogs/walks with him when I can.
Last night I was really baffled. We were watching House and he made a comment about how House (the main character) should tell Cuddy (another main character) that he loves her...and later, when House tried to tell Cuddy their R would not work, H was commenting that he shouldn't be that way. NOW! Can you imagine what I was thinking during his comments???? OMG: he hasn't told me ILY in forever! Doesn't kiss me - doesn't even hold my hand! And he's feeing bad for CUDDY?!!! SIGH.
Another interesting observation: my dad called the other night and H spoke to him but only briefly - barely said 2 words. My mom even commented about it. (They know nothing - live 1,000 miles away.) My dad thinks the world of John and John of him. I can only guess that John is still not totally committed to the M if he can't bring himself to have a decent talk with my dad.
I am continuing to GAL. I am SO busy with school - and now the house since the fire - that I feel I am doing the best I can. I've barely had time to get on here and post much lately. However, I can not shake this depression I have over my R lately, no matter how busy I am keeping my mind. I'm having a rough time dealing with the loneliness I feel over the loss of my partner in life. I don't know how long I can continue this kind of R with H. The kids are good with it because all they see is that mom and dad are getting along and no one's leaving, etc... On a personal level, however, it's not the kind of R I want for myself, obviously.
I don't know what else to do here. H does not seem to be budging or moving toward me at all. I feel trapped in limboland.
Any thoughts? I have been getting together with friends and joined a small group of women at church that get together once a week. Lots of stuff going on with the boys...and doing group projects at school. It isn't that I'm not around people enough. I'm just sad over my situation and don't know how to change it. It would be easier for H to not be around than for him to be around all the time and me feel constantly rejected.
You sound good Sunny despite the fire. Keep up with the GAL and detachment. It will help you stay sane during this "in between" time. You have a lot of positives going for you. Your H is engaged in family activities and spending time with you. You may want to lower your expectations right now. Be happy with what his IS giving you instead of focusing on what he's not. Thank him every once in awhile for doing something like spending time with you and/or the kids. Positive reinforcement doesn't just work on kids.
With the House thing, I would try to find away to slip something into a conversation that draws a parallel to your situation. It may get him thinking in a way that just hearing it from you can't. Don't forget to read Relationship Rescue. I swear it made a huge differnce in my sitch and I was the only one working on our R for 4 yrs.
Lastly, others may disagree with me, but I would keep your connection alive in the bedroom. You know he's not cheating. He is meeting you part way on some of what you want. There's nothing that will spark "feelings" in a man like sex. Just be careful that you don't let your expectations get too high afterward. Over time a physical connection is very important to inspiring the other kinds of affection that you want.
Glad you checked in. By the way, I lived 4 yrs in the limbo you're in now. It does get better.
Blue: 4 years?! ugh. Not sure I could do 4 years. Well, not without seeing some sort of progression. I guess right now it's just got to be one day at a time, huh?
As for bedroom activity, there has been some. I vacilate on that one because on one hand, I agree with what you're saying and I know it can help ignite the spark. Well, and I have those needs too, so it's not like I mind filling them. On the other hand, I ask myself why I should be engaging in that when H can't even say ILY - or won't, or whatever. Part of me holds back to maintain that sense of detachment as I wrestle with this dilemma. I'm a willing participant yet I know I hold back.
Allen: I agree...it was pretty racy so - yeah, I can see the bias! Well, dang. It's not like I haven't been naked at times too! (See above. lol) I just found it interesting that he could have empathy for her feelings and say that out loud with no thought to me sitting here thinking, "what about me?!" Did he just not see any correlation?! As Blue said above, I guess I could bring it up maybe. I wish I would've thought of something clever to say at the time. We just have not had a R discussion in so long. I'm not sure I want to have one at the moment. I have felt that it may be best to lay off the discussions for awhile and just "live". ???
Now - you make an interesting point, Allen. In what way should I be looking out to not neglect H? Any specific thoughts on that? I definitely do not want to do so but it can be hard. On one hand there's detachment/GAL - trying to draw him to me by pulling away. On the other hand there is meeting his needs, etc... THIS is the struggle I have every day it seems, trying to do both in a balanced manner! It's HARD to reconcile these things! When I am detaching and bettering myself I start to think about how much better I deserve and how he is not treating me right. Then, I sure don't feel like meeting HIS needs! Yet, I know I need to...
Thanks for the reminder about Relationship Rescue! I need to make that a priority. I have been so busy with school work that I haven't taken the time. I will make time today to start that.
