Steady, there is another approach, which is the one I'm advocating here. It's both patience AND work. But the work is just on your side for now.
You can work on your M by yourself. It's like the law of physics: Any action must have an equal or opposite reaction. When you make changes in the way you are going to approach your M, then your spouse has to change in response. You just have to recognize that the changes you are making are for YOU not your spouse.
Hi bluestar. I was asking the questions I asked to get sunny's feedback at where she is at.
The line that stood out the most was when she said her H is most trying when she does patience. My post to her is to keep doing that then and find a way to channel her impatience.
I've also heard the book How to Work on Your Marriage Without Talking About It is good. I haven't read it so I can't comment. I know there are other ways to move a healing M along without having to sit down and do the 'talk''.
To me, work is included in both patience and boundary approaches.
Good advice bluestar.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Good advice all the way around! I appreciate it - I really do. Some days I'm too busy to think about the sitch much, or don't want to...then other days I want to "fix" it. I'm not one that's used to sitting around and letting problems go unsolved, so this limbo business is hard. Perhaps that is exactly why I'm going through it - because I need to learn something here for myself!!!
I like having a plan - a path - direct steps to takes to solve a problem. Well, at least these days I do. Yet, I know I can't "solve" someone else... unfortunately. LOL
Right now my plan is to do well in school, be a good mom, and get my dang house back in order.
I actually have "how to improve w/out talking" but haven't had time to read it yet. I also have 5 Love Languages... I am just SO swamped with reading from my classes that this has taken a back burner. I am beginning RR though as it truly sounds that's the best place to start.
It's actually nice to have other things to GAL and not be so concentrated on my R with H. However, I need to be balanced and make sure that I am also giving this priority in my life. Obviously not having a firm grasp of where I am at has induced some anxiety.
At this point, I think I need some good coping tools for when things aren't exactly as I would like them to be. For instance, sitting at my son's football game watching other couples interact "sweetly" while H is there, but distant - not holding my hand or showing affection like he used to sitting at football games. It's natural to be sad about that. What can I do, practically, to change my mindset? Yesterday I tried to engage my brain by focusing on the game but it got boring so my mind wandered into R zone. (I didn't show it though... I don't think.) Being out, in times like those, are hardest for me: seeing other families and couples like I think it "should" be...
Another thought: I did come to the realization this morning that mental exercises are inevitably part of this process. We have to use our brains and process what we've learned so we don't succumb to "doing what feels good" rather than what works. However, mental GYMNASTICS do not have to be: just exercises. lol
Well, same ole same ole around here. I've been sick for a few days and trying to stay on top of my school work. Still reading RR but it is slow going due to the ton of school work I have at the moment.
Has anyone else ever felt that it can be a hard struggle to GAL AND "work" on the R issues? I feel when I'm reading R stuff that I am focusing on the M when I should be out GAL and when I'm out GAL I'm thinking I'm not "working" on the R as I should. LOL
I know the answer is a balanced approach to life, it's just the dilemma I'm facing at the moment because I have SO much on my plate with the house/fire, kids, school, etc...
H is still in the bare minimum participation mode. At least he is participating, I know, but only enough to get by. I have quit expecting that to change any time soon.
Yes, it certainly is Allen. It would be a lot easier if it was all logic and no feelings involved, that's for sure! My problem was in expectations. Because H acted positively in ways, I kept expecting a natural progression to occur. I was waiting for him to go from friendly to romantic. It is not happening. A big part of me was discouraged. I started to feel that it was never going to happen. Moreover, it is hurtful to have someone treat you that way after 20 years of giving yourself to them.
Now, I know that it still is possible that H may never come back around - he may never feel romantically towards me again. However, if he doesn't, it is not because of anything I have done or not done. It is his own defectiveness. If he can't/won't come back around after all the changes I have made in myself, for myself, it truly IS his loss! If it is not him, it will be someone better than him. Someone who will appreciate me and meet my needs as I meet theirs.
I am still struggling with hurt, but I am not letting it define me or my actions. Well, maybe it does on occasion, but for the most part it does not.
It IS a hard line, for sure! The important thing is not to let my hurt guide my actions but my inner core. I'm being positive while learning to keep my expectations in check.
