Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

[mrbt]

I am starting a new thread because I feel like it is time take a fresh look at my situation. My original thread is titled Too Late For Us. When I started posting on this forum, I truly thought it was too late. My first post was in February, months after my wife had filed for divorce.

I will try to summarize the situation in just one paragraph.

I discovered my wife's emotional affair in June of 2009 (started in May). My wife filed for divorce in November and I moved out in December. In April of 2010 my wife scheduled and cancelled the divorce hearing twice. In May I moved back home and we agreed to "see how it goes" ( in retrospect this meant wife will not make an effort ). Three weeks after moving home, I caught my wife with the OM ( found her car parked at a truck stop - OM is a truck driver ). I suspected the affair had become physical but was never able to find evidence (W claims this was the first and only time).

It has been almost three months since the affair was revealed. Wife claims she is no longer in contact with OM. However, she remains ambivalent towards our marriage. She cycles between feeling unsure and wanting a divorce. Occasionally, she will show positive signs but she has never come out and said "I want to make this work."

As of this morning, she is talking about divorce once again. In the past, this topic was emotionally charged. Now, I do a much better job of containing emotions and not arguing about what she feels or doesn't feel. I don't attempt to talk her out of her decision.

Today's conversation went something like this ( in screen play format ) . . .

H joins W in bed for morning coffee, an occasional morning ritual for this troubled couple. In spite of the soft morning light filling the room, H feels negative energy radiating from W. They sit quietly sipping coffee. Large cat lays on its back waiting for a belly rub. W lets out a heavy sigh and H responds . . .

H: What's on your mind? You seem down.
W: I don't want to talk about this before work.
H: Okay.
* momentary silence as each sips coffee *
H: Coffee came out good today.
W: Really?
H: Yes. I think I used too many scoops yesterday.
W: I just followed the directions on the package.
* more silence and coffee sipping *
W: * Heavy Sigh *
H: So, you're divorcing me again?
W: Yes.
H: Why are you divorcing me?
W: There is nothing there. I don't feel anything.
H: Hmmm? Wow! I wish there was something I could do or say but they're your feelings. I can't change what you feel.
W: How could I be so comfortable around you and not have feelings for you?
H: I don't know. I don't understand it.
W: My counselor can't tell me why I don't feel either.
H: Are you still in contact with OM?
W: No.
H: If you were, it might affect your feelings towards me.
* more coffee sipping *
H: So, you're going to do this [ divorce ] after we return?
[ H & W plan to travel to their home town and stay a week to visit family and attend a wedding ]
W: Yes. You don't have to go but I'd like you to be there.
H: Maybe I should stay home. I can pack your things and put them in the garage. You can stay in [ insert home town name ] and come back for your stuff when you're ready.
W: I can't stay. I have to give notice at work.
H: Okay. Well, whatever you want to do.
W: Are you hungry?
H: No, but if you make something I'd eat it.
* H & W eating egg sandwiches at the kitchen table *
H: Is there anything else on your mind? Maybe you'd feel better if you got everything out?
W: I really wish you'd go with me to [ insert home town name ]
H: I hate that this is happening to us.
W: Its been a year of this and its not getting any better.
H: How could it get better when you were communicating with OM?
W: Do you think I haven't given this enough time?
H: Maybe.
* silent pause *
H: I don't know how often you talked to OM . . .
W: Not that much.
H: Maybe once a month?
W: No. Not that often.
H: Every time you talk to him, its like starting at zero for us.

* H & W move to living room. H finds old dry cat turd between the cushions and starts removing all the cushions in search similar cat turds *

* Some small off topic small talk as W gets ready to leave for work *

W: Well, this [ divorce ] is just something I am thinking about. I have not made a decision yet.

W: I wish you'd come with me to [ insert home town name here ].

* brief hug in the door way as W departs from work husbands vacuums crumbs from underneath the couch cushions *

So, where do I go from here?

[mrbt]

I am really muddled fellow DB'ers.

Tomorrow wife and I depart on a 13 hour drive to our hometown to attend a wedding. We will remain in our home town the entire week and will be staying at my brother-in-law's house. The purpose of our week-long stay is to to help brother-in-law with a major home repair. Wife and I will be alone together during the day, working on the house, while brother-in-law is at work.

If you've read the above post, you know my wife intends to proceed with our divorce sometime after we return home. I should mention that I have been in this position with her several times. She filed in November; I signed the papers in April and she never followed through. Every so often she will renew her resolve, announce her intentions, and then nothing happens.

Lately, I have kept the "set them free" idea top of mind. I don't know how convincing I am when delivering this message. However, I have noticed that my lack of resistance does confound her -- its subtle but I see a difference. Maybe its time to deliver the "set them free" message in a more forceful manner.

We talked briefly this morning before she went to work. I wanted to confirm that she still intended to proceed with divorce when we return (wanted to keep my expectations grounded in reality). She answered with something like "Sometimes I am so sure its what I want to do but something is holding me back." I didn't probe any deeper.

We will have plenty of time to interact during this trip. I could just act as if all is well and see what happens when we return. Or, I could proactively start a serious [censored]-or-get-off-the-pot discussion.

Any suggestion?

[WithoutANet]

Hi, I am new to your sitch. It sounds like she is using you as her security blanket. If SHE is the one who files, and SHE makes the decision, then YOU cannot hurt her. She is holding the reins and in complete control here. If you were to bring up the R or thoughts of D, then she would have proof that she is controlling you, and I bet she would really like that -- i.e., it's not good for you. I'd pull back and let her wonder what's going on with you. Take away her control. Let her be afraid.

[mrbt]

WithoutANet, do you think I should avoid any relationship discussion during the coming week? Maybe just act as if I don't really care what happens or doesn't happen when we return?

[WithoutANet]

I would. If my H did that, and we were spending all that time together, I know for certain that it would get me in a huff. I have control issues, too. ;-)

[mrbt]

The car is loaded. We will be departing in a few hours. Does anyone else have any advice for me? (see previous above)

[pinhead]

mrbt

Don't initiate any R talks. If she does bring them up, listen, validate, and focus on YOU.

[Coach]

No pressure - you are already dead.

No R talk. If she brings it up just say you want her to be happy. And you want yourself to be happy so you have been doing some thinking about what is best for you. You have some decisions to make.

Agree with her.

[mrbt]

Thanks Coach. Thanks Pinhead.

[didthehurt]

i agree with the person that said you being used as a security blanket....i would say backup plan....i did that for awhile and finally snapped out of my fog, but i believe it is to late for me. Hope its not for you. Go be happy for the moment and enjoy yourself...