I think one learns to live with it, becomes increasingly functional (I hope) and integrates it into life without it becoming the central focus of your identity.
going on 2 1/2 years, still struggling both emotionally and practically.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I can honestly say that I am not out of the woods yet after 16 months. But I have had some progress in that regard nonetheless.
The truth of the matter is that it will vary based on your particular circumstances. A general rule of thumb that is often cited is that for one to recover from a break-up of a significant R can take an average of 3 to 4 months for very year you were together, or roughly one year for every four years the R lasted. That's an average, mind you. And it doesn't pertain strictly to a D either. So there are lots of variables that will impact your own road to "recovery".
One big one is if you have children with your former spouse. That will keep the other parent around "forever", and thus has the constant potential of re-opening still-healing wounds.
Healing is very much what you are doing. If your M was not a trivial R, then your heart had been fused within that of the now former spouse. D rips those two hearts apart (please excuse the gory visual) into two bleeding halves -- it takes time to heal from such a grievous wound.
GALing is still essential. Boosting your PMA through getting out and living your life should now be a key part of that life, from now on. Learn who you are, what person you are, rediscover and cultivate your own personality, as you heal.
But a word or caution, because you are still healing, jumping into new R's can be fraught with more dangers. That has been compared to trying to run a marathon when your leg has not healed from a serious fracture. For a time the giddiness of romance can numb you to the pain from the previous injury, but like an anesthetic on a broken leg, it merely allows you to damage yourself even more -- and further prolong your ultimate recovery.
A healthy spiritual R is the key to surviving and thriving after any loss. Only God can truly heal us, if we let Him. I myself would have been totally lost and foundered had not God used the crisis of my situation to get me to finally listen and wake up. And a renewed R with Christ now buoys me through the storms of life.
It will take some time, Sol. But allow yourself to go through it and to work it out. Allow yourself the time to heal and to discover who you are, your own person independent of the ex. It's a road that will be a little different for everyone, taking different amounts of time for each. But at the end. You will be healed and stronger, making yourself more fit for the rest of your life, whether you share it with a partner or not. And should you find that new partner you will be all that more fit to be a partner yourself. All the more wiser and happy.
It has been two years since the divorce was final but a bit over 4 years since I found out about the affair. I think that is an important distinction because neither of us filed right away, but I was dealing with all of the issues of betrayal, etc. He also forced me into bankruptcy after he stopped paying all the bills the court ordered him responsible for.
I am over my spouse. I am sad at times that this is the way it turned out for my kids but we talk a lot and deal with those times when they come. We will be having some issues when he marries his affair partner in October, especially since all of the kids told him that they didn't want anything to do with it but he has planned it on his weekend with the girls.
I think the timing that Nocode said is about right. I was married just 17 years when I found out and divorced shortly after our 19th anniversary. However, you have to do the work on yourself because time can't do it all on it's own.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
It all depends on the situation as to how long it takes for one to move foward with their life and put the crap behind them.
If your spouse was an incredibly selfish, weak, angry and STD infected person, it allows for a much quicker recovery for the LBS. I was over the emotional aspects several months before the D was final. I've realized that there are much better fish in the sea.
Having lawyers haggle over the financial's and limiting contact of such matters with the STBX is the best way to go.
I'm not sure it's something you EVER get over. In many ways (IMO) a divorce is more painful than a death. Death, to me, is finality and the end of a physical life means there is nothing more to do or say. It's a forced acceptance that is much easier to process. A divorce means a spouse is still "out there" and when their is life there is possibility.
I always find it difficult to read when a divorcing person with children proclaims how much "easier" I have it because I don't have children. While children do you keep people invested the pain of divorce is not any "better" sans children. A family is a family even if children are not part of the family.
It's all relative of course. I often marvel at the pain that is tangible over a marriage that only lasted 3, 4, 5 years and wonder how that could be. Well, because pain is pain no matter what the time frame or family structure. My pain is no greater because I was married for 11 years compared to somebody that was only married for 4 yrs, right?
IMO what is NOT discussed enough is the categories of pain. The emotional side of divorce is well covered but the pain that is associated with the legal side of divorce is not. And it should be. It doesn't matter how good an attny you have or how dark you go.
Divorce will forever be a part of you and me and everybody here. It's unfortunate but reality. I tend to think a few years from now we will say it is one of the MOST important parts of us because we were able to learn so much.
But sure, it is *very* painful. I can't even listen to all the cliches of "time heals all" and "this too shall past". Well OF COURSE it does but the road you have to walk to really *get* all of that is long and hard. Lucky for us we can all walk it together
I agree with you CG. Not having children does NOT make it easier.
My XW told me she wanted to wait until our Son was grown and moved out before she kicked me to the curb. And she did exactly that.
So there I was hurting because our only Son left us with the dreaded "empty nest" syndrome. I told her we still had each other and would take care of each other and retire together. Little did I know that she was having an affair and made plans to leave me forever.
So for me it was a Triple whammy! Empty nest, divorce and then finding out about her affair. BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!.
Still though I feel for the children in divorce. They are the ones that are really hurt by it. And I hate people that say otherwise or that they "will be OK". It's BS to justify their own selfishness and ego.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
1) H had an affair several years ago, I DB'd my butt off, we reconciled and had several wonderful years - so I had the satisfaction of having "won" that time and successfully DB'd. I'd also been through all the grief of betrayal then, and frankly, didn't feel the need to go all the way back there when H left this time.
2) When H left, it was really the third time he'd betrayed me in the marriage - I really couldn't imagine what he could POSSIBLY do that would make me trust him again, even if he came crawling back, so it was easier to let go.
3) It was also easier to let go because I had peace in my heart that I had tried everything I could to save the marriage. I decided to accept that somehow he had to go down this path and I couldn't save him. Someone said "Let go or be dragged" and I decided, since I couldn't change the outcome, I might as well go out and be happy!
4) I lucked into a marvelous lover a few months after H left - he made me feel desirable and valued the things my H saw as flaws - great for my self esteem. We're not together now but remain great friends and I'll always be grateful to him.
5) I learned to play the drums in a rock band - it is impossible to be unhappy when you are drumming Highway to Hell!
But of all these things, really the most important was accepting that this time I wasn't going to be able to change things, and that maybe the universe had some other plans in mind for me. My life is good and getting better all the time I'm going on tour with a professional musician friend for two weeks, playing the glockenspiel for her, lol. I've been chatting online with a potential new boyfriend who gets back into town next week - tall, dark, handsome, successful, with a sexy foreign accent - what's not to like? I've decided to learn to accept that all my good behavior has earned me some good karma and I DESERVE to have someone fabulous come into my life.
