A stiff martini if you know where "Shakedown Street" comes from without looking it up
It's been a while since I started a thread. I haven't posted much about my situation as for the most part it has been status quo although that will soon be changing.
On Nov. 19th of this year my H and I will have reached the one year mark of our legal separation. As per state law I will have the ability to proceed forward with the divorce on that date.
My H has been adamant about staying separated until 2013 but it's not something I care to do any longer. His desire to keep the separation in tact stems wholly on the health insurance issue.
D (my H = D, I hate calling him my "H") has been seriously and deeply involved with his mistress for three years now. As of last April they live together and the deal is sealed. D has taken on an enormous amount of financial responsibility to his mistress and the home they now share. He informed me they were moving in together over 11 text messages telling me that it was party out of convenience but mostly because he was happier than he has ever been.
I don't see (in person) or talk (on the phone) to D at all. A few weeks ago he did start e-mailing me and while I have tried to ignore most of it he has made the decision for me rather easy.
As per our Agreement we are required to give each other written notice of at least 60 days if we intend to file for the divorce after Nov. 19th. As a courtesy to D (mainly because he is always bitching about money) I let him know my intentions long before 60 days. His response was "I haven't thought about the divorce" and then he gave me a VERY graphic outline of what he planned to do with his mistress all weekend.
D is astonished that I am not "over this" and as per his messages furious I won't provide him with any security and I won't communicate with him.
The idea of having to deal with future litigation with D is causing me tremendous amounts of anxiety but really, I am done. I still have much healing to do but I know I don't deserve this.
Last Nov. he made a passionate plea to me that he didn't want this to be the end of us, it could not be our "grand finale" and he would do whatever he could to earn my trust and respect back. I never heard from him after that for 5 months and when I did hear from him it was to inform me he was moving in with OW and how great things were.
D and his attny threw an absolute hail mary with that charade and I fell for it. They used emotional warfare to kick me when I was already destroyed to avoid D's transgressions from being public record in a court of law.
Since last Nov. I have put in a tremendous effort that is really nothing short of remarkable to restore my physical and emotional health. I have worked longer hours than I ever have in my life to rebuild my finances. I have made new friends and really strengthened all the pre-existing R's in my life.
I do feel I need to make a major change soon aside from the divorce. I'm just not sure what that is but some grand form of exploration is in order.
I went on a few dates last year which have been well documented on this forum, lol! It was probably the wrong time for me as my issues were not yet addressed enough to not be terrified. Not along ago I met somebody lovely and kind but I seem to be having trouble navigating it all and my first instinct is to run. Perspective is a funny thing.
I do appreciate all of you and how much you share each day. Thank you hardly seems sufficient. It really has been an amazing education to be part of this.
It is ironic about that health insurance reason. I asked my W why she would not file for a D and it was because she would lose the health insurance that I provided for her.
I wonder how many states require the year long separation.
My state doesn't require a year long separation but my H requested a THREE year separation so he could avoid paying my insurance out of pocket.
My H filed for divorce and we litigated for 18 months (not out of desire but largely because of the crazy court system in NY). Once he saw that I was not fooling around about what I expected to walk away with as far as assets go AND his affair would be made public he begged me for the separation. In NY once a separation is legally approved you must remain separated but legally married for one year.
A year before my H decided he wanted a divorce I had the opportunity to purchase health insurance via a pool for a *very* reasonable rate. D flipped out saying he was the man and health insurance was his job and was VERY offended I would even broach such a thing. Now that opportunity is gone and due to my Lupus my premiums are high. Plus, the court decided that he has provided health insurance for a decade therefore the precedent was set and separated or divorced that obligation was his to worry about.
For as happy as he claims to be it seems him paying out of pocket for my insurance for a few years would hardly be problematic to him. He makes very good money and it wouldn't strain him all that much.
His desire to separate rather than divorce was two fold... to protect him and OW and to save money on insurance. He got all that for a year. He has had ample time to plan for this new expense.
He also was relieved of MANY consequences due to my compassion (foolishness). I'm done extending courtesies to him when he can't even treat me like a human being.
GMan - a music fan like you doesn't know Shakedown Street!?
D can be very, very cruel. I have developed the necessary armor when dealing with him. He is quite textbook and predictable. On an intellectual level I get it but from time to time it does still sting.
You're damn straight! You don't deserve this. "Then he gave me a VERY graphic outline of what he planned to do with his mistress all weekend"...that's a mean bastard to do something like that. He's used you; he's played off of your emotions for his financial benefit. "They used emotional warfare to kick me when I was already destroyed to avoid D's transgressions from being public record in a court of law"...yep, they did.
Hard consequences are the only thing that will speak to him.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
My H has been adamant about staying separated until 2013 but it's not something I care to do any longer.
Last Nov. he made a passionate plea to me that he didn't want this to be the end of us, it could not be our "grand finale" and he would do whatever he could to earn my trust and respect back. I never heard from him after that for 5 months and when I did hear from him it was to inform me he was moving in with OW and how great things were.
Oh dear, Gawd. He's delusional. You know what's interesting to me... how he wants to stay M'ed to you til 2013 yet live with OW. I wonder how she feels about that? Didn't you once say she will not let him speak your name in front of her? Hilarious. (for her).
D is dead weight now. Him wanting you to keep M'ed to him while he started off this new life with a new woman is laughable. I guess he thinks you will always be there, no matter what. When will you file the D papers?
Do you still see the guy you went on a few dates with (the lovely guy)? Your apprehension to start a new R seems totally normal and healthy to me.
I really enjoy reading all of your posts. I find them to be a source of strength. You seem really together and like a strong person which is very admirable.
