911 Puppy...PLEASE HELP!

[courts0818]

PDT,
Sorry to call you out like that, but I truly need your help. You know the history of my sitch.

Pls allow me to catch you up - H finally admitted an affair in early April. You might remember some of the drama - all of my emotions, him saying he would move back in, etc.

We actually had a pretty good summer - of course, there were ups and downs, but we spent more time together than the last 2 summers. He really seemed to be coming around - better attitude, we did several family things together (beach, dinner, bonfires, events for his work, etc) and he was coming over to our house a lot more often. He was becoming much more consistent. I really thought we were slowly working some things out. But lately he's back to being more distant and shady in his behavior. And I have been really struggling with forgiveness, anger, bitterness and so on. Our anniversary was last week so my emotions have been all over the place.

Anyway - last night he was at home with DD. I came home from shopping to find him passed out on the couch. I put DD to bed, took his blackberry and left. Something told me to take it and look. And I did it bc the opportunity never comes up. Let me just tell you. It's after 4:30 in morning right now and I haven't been home or to bed yet. I'm at my parents. I can't even comprehend what I just read on his phone. There were hundreds of IMs to/from OW. PDT, I am shocked and so totally overwhelmed. I feel like I have nowhere else to turn.

From what I read in the messages, he is LIVING WITH HER. I had no idea. I thought he was still living in his rental house. And I thought I had justification that he was truly staying there bc we have been texting at night after he leaves our house. I assumed if he lived with someone he wouldn't be texting. Well, I figured out she works 3rd shift so he's only texting when she's at work.

There were back and forth messages saying love you, talking about taking a mini vacation together on labor day, "baby" "honey" and messages where my H was saying stuff about sex and being horny and so much disgusting $hit. I wrote down 20 pages of notes of everything that was discussed. I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart and I can't believe the stuff I read - even what they argue about it is what he used to argue with me about.

He must have woke up from the couch around 12:30am bc he starting calling his cell phone from our home phone - I'm assuming he woke up and was searching for his phone. Then, he started calling my phone. He called both phones about 15 different times. I have not answered.

I can't even begin to make any sense of this. What do I do? OMgosh I just wanted to IM OW from his phone and just go off about everything.

My heart is completely broken. I am married to a dirty, evil snake. He has lived a double life. I have no idea how he can even keep up with both relationships - his affair and his half a$$ attempt at a marriage. He has a new job and says it's so busy and stressful that he has time for nothing yet his sorry a$$ spends ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT IMing her. I even read in the messages that we are both b*tching at him about the same thing. This is completely insane.

WTH do I do? When do i go home and WTH do I even say to him? What do I do with his phone? I have to give it back, his work pays for it - but how? The battery died on it and I went right to the store to buy a charger just so I could see everything.

He owes me $300.00. I just want to say something like, "I've seen everything in your phone. I know you are living with her and living a total lie. I need my $300.00 right now and if you don't give it to me I will write the check myself and deposit into my account. That $300.00 will pay for me to meet with my lawyer (which is really what it costs).

It is time to get EVIL. He is a sorry excuse for a man.

I have so much to think about it, but I can't even start to process this.

[Jstar]

i know youa re looking for some responses from pdt, i've been there where you are. the feeling of wanting to get back at h for the lies, cheating, etc. if you do something now in the heat of emotions, you may regret what you've done at a later time.

there have been a few occasions i was in the dark as you, not knowing h moved, all about his activities. etc. and oh the pain, and and foolishness you feel like. trying to grasp some sor tof control over the sit. by doing something evil to him.

think about the long run, act like a lady. u could go back home and act as if all the while secretly gathering evidence. i think he going to expect u to jump off thedeep end and acting as if all is ok will be better for now. plus that will give pdt a chance to respond

[courts0818]

Jstar,
I have no more evidence to gather. What more would I need to know? And thanks for your reply.

[silverado]

Courts, honey (((HUGS)))

I'm very sorry. But I'm not surprised. From what you've written, your WH has never seemed willing to "do what it takes" and you didn't lay down a boundary.

You know what you need to do. Detach from this f*tard and protect yourself and your DD. Give him back his crappy phone....you have all the evidence you need.

If you are comfortable with your L, go and file. If you're not sure, keep shopping. There is no rush.

-silver

[courts0818]

I haven't met with this lawyer yet, but I've heard he's the one to go with. Tuff as nails and will fight to get me what I deserve.

What do I need to do to protect DD and myself?

He can have his crappy phone back for sure. I know everything I need to need to know.

[courts0818]

I'm going to the bookstore to get a book about helping my DD through this divorce. Someone just shoot me and get this over with. : ( That's the part that shatters me into a million pieces - the thought of not seeing her everyday kills me. .....Oh wait...my H is a drunk, maybe I can get full custody?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I haven't met with this lawyer yet, but I've heard he's the one to go with. Tuff as nails and will fight to get me what I deserve.

What do I need to do to protect DD and myself?

He can have his crappy phone back for sure. I know everything I need to need to know.

Hi Courts,

I'm so sorry to hear about this, but I can't say as I'm very surprised. You have your own answer here, above. Meet with the attorney first, and then the atty will tell you what you need to do to protect yourself.

Is yours a "fault" or a "no-fault" state for divorce? I'm assuming it's no-fault, and if so, then you really don't need any additional evidence of his affair, and it would only hurt you more to SEE more of it. Just go home, calmly give him his phone back, look him in the eye, shake your head in disgust, and say "Unbelievable."

And then walk out of the room.

Do NOT engage with him. Do not answer him when he tries to pry out of you what you're going to do, unless you want to say "I haven't figured it all out yet," which is fine. But only give him the same answer, over and over again, if he keeps asking you: "I don't know; I haven't figured it all out yet."

Do NOT sulk.

Do NOT go off on him.

Your demeanor towards him should be a combination of BUSINESSLIKE and DISGUST (hence, the "Unbelievable" line).

I'm so sorry. At least you know; time to protect yourself and even moreso -- your daughter.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Courts,

The other thing I'd suggest that you do immediately is go back and re-read what people posted to you 3/3 to 3/4 of this year, esp. Greek. Everything you need to know -- and do -- is in there.

And this time, pray for the strength to actually DO it.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yep PDT, I SHOULD have listened to you 1 1/2 yrs ago. If I had, I would be in a much better place right now.

I don't think it's possible for someone to be more naive than I was. I have a quality - it's actually a pretty good quality in most situations - I usually look on the bright side and see hope in most situations. It's good to be optomistic, but it's horrible to deny the truth when someone is hurting you. For those that think, "My spouse would never do that, he/she just needs time to sort things out, blah, blah, blah..." they are just fooling themselves and setting themselves up for more pain in the end when they find out how long they've been duped.

It's such an overwhelming, horrible experience and as much as I wanted to believe my H wouldn't hurt me or our DD like that - what a joke. He didn't care about anyone or anything, but himself. He blew off such special things with DD, trick-or-treating, trips to the zoo, bedtime stories, seeing her open her Christmas presents, taking her to church - all for the mess of his A. That's sick. And he lied, lied, lied, lied, lied countless times.

I am filled with such intense pain & anger when I think of all those nights I cried myself to sleep, prayed that he wasn't cheating, tried to keep my head up and be happy for DD even when I was breaking, read book after book about how to save a marriage and be a good wife. What a smack in the face and punch in the gut.

Now it's all so obvious what he was doing. Ignorance is bliss until the truth comes out.

And now you've lost another 4 1/2 months, Courts.

My friend Corri used to say on here "You're not ready until you're ready ... and then you are."

I pray you're ready now, before you let another precious month or year of your and your daughter's life go by. I pray you're ready to take the stronger stand this time, as you really deserve so much better than this.

Courts, your husband is an ADDICT, and needs to be dealt with as such. That doesn't mean you don't stop loving him, but -- like a drowning man -- there comes a point where you can no longer allow him to pull you down with him, and you have to save yourself and your daughter.

Do you have someone you can stay with this weekend? You're going to need some really strong emotional support. You know, from real people -- with skin on.

Praying for you,

Puppy

[norstar]

I think he already knows you know. Who else would have his phone? is probably be what he is thinking. When you go home it is very important to stay calm, so not to freak your daughter out. If he turns evil, just call the local PD and have them escort him away from your home. I had to do that to my ex. Or have your family go with you to make sure nothing bad happens. TImes like this are scary. You are hurt and you are not sure how to move forward but you have to for your own sake and your DD. Good luck and you will survive.