Never actually thought I would be here...

[konfuseeed]

So... It's been going pretty well the past couple weeks or whatever.

It's almost like we are just becoming really good friends again. We text each other basically all day everyday off and on. Just chit chat... Jokes... That kinda stuff. We spent all of Labor day weekend together. We went to the movies (Scott Pilgrim was awesome!) we made dinner, we got really drunk together and hung out and had a great time just talking and joking around and listening to music all drunk.

I think the best part though, and this goes back to issues we had that ruined our marriage, was the BBQ we went to on Labor Day.

So, my wife's biggest problem with me back when things were bad between us, was my complete disinterest in her life outside of our marriage. I can look back on it now and see what a jerk I was.

She has this whole group of friends, who she loves and always wanted me to meet and hang out with, and I basically just had no interest in ever even meeting these people. She would invite me out, and I would pretty much tell her no, and she would go alone.

I used to be incredibly anti social, and I decided back months and months ago that that was something I really disliked about myself, and I forced myself to become a more socially open person. Meeting new people, going places I usually wouldn't go and so on. Of course my wife didn't know this about me, because, well, she hasn't been around.

So, anywhoo... She invited me to this BBQ...

The old me would have first asked where it was, and if there was parking, and complained about parking in the city. The old me then would have asked who was going to be there, then complained about knowing anyone.

The old me would have then sat in a corner at the BBQ and not talked to anyone, which, in the old days made my wife very uncomfortable, to the point that she told me she felt like every time we went out she had to "babysit me" to make sure I wasnt miserable.

The new me, however... Just said "Yeah, a BBQ sounds fun".

We went, I knew nobody there, but was very outgoing, very friendly, played games, joked, the whole 9 yards.

Her friends were happy to finally meet me, and even more happy when it turned out that I'm a pretty damn cool guy.

I got a text from my wife today telling me how she is having so much fun hanging out with me.



So yeah... Thats the update.

Things are going really well... Reading some of the other threads here in piecing make me worried that the wheels are gonna fall off at any moment, but I'm not really seeing that... Maybe her and I are lucky. We both seem to have really grown as people in our time apart.

I'm getting an extremely positive feeling here so far.

[konfuseeed]

Also.. Divorce has been officially taken off the table.

She talked about getting the paperwork. I asked her if thats what she really wanted, and she said something like "Well, I thought thats what was decided".

I told her that I liked where things were going here, and my idea of us has changed in the past month or so, and suggested we just put that whole divorce thing on hold until we see where this goes.

She agreed... And then we took the dog for a walk.

Good stuff.

[konfuseeed]

So, updating here in case anyone cares.

It's been a bout a month, and overall things are going good. I think we have both pulled away slightly as the initial rush of being together again is wearing off.

We still see each other or so times a week. She usually comes over one night during the week and we make dinner and watch a movie and take the dog for a walk, then we spend weekends together.

Tomorrow afternoon were leaving for a weekend camping trip just her and I.

Weve had to have some pretty uncomfortable conversations, and one in particular after a night at the bar got pretty heated, but all of them have ENDED positively, so I'm glad about that.

First story...

Like I said we went out to a bar and had a few too many. It was a fun night of talking a joking and hanging out until somehow, and I dont even remember how, we got on the subject of the separation, and what we did during them.

It got heated. It didn't get angry though... It just got heavy.

She started crying in the bar so I asked her if she wanted to go outside for a smoke. We went outside. I asked her if she wanted to be my wife again, and she said "yes, and started crying.

Then I started crying.

Then we went back to her apartment and went to sleep.

Story #2...

I did have a "melty-man" moment the other day, and basically told my wife I needed verbal reassurance from her because I was afraid she was just going to up and leave again.

Here was how it went...


Me: I just need to know that you aren't gonna just up and leave the next time you meet a guy you like."
Wife: You're asking me to predict the future. I cant do that."
Me: Thats a "maybe I will" then, and thats not reassuring at all.
Wife: Look, I'm not leaving you, I'm not going anywhere. You are not a "fill in" in any way."

I then pulled a total sissy move and asked her if she was seeing anyone else. She got a little offended and asked why I would even ask her that after the last month, and I know where she is and what shes doing at all times.

This is true, and I accepted this for now.

I want to point out right here that I have major trust issues, and I am putting a lot of blind faith in her that she is being honest with me. So far, from what I can see (and I'm looking) she is telling the truth.


She then went on to explain how sometimes when I come at her with that she feels cornered.

I told her I did not mean to do that.

She said she understood, and she will make sure to give me little reassurances, and if I need to, I should remind her.

She then asked me to be "patient" with her. She said she is enjoying every second we are together now, but I am so different that she is frightened by me.

That kinda threw me.

She then said she is struggling with how hard it is going to be to reconnect with my friends and family, most of them talked bad about her behind her back and deserted her when she left.

She says she gives herself pep talks in her apartment about having to face people again.

I told her I would be there with her, by her side, holding her hand the whole time.

She said "We both knew this was gonna be a hard road, but I love you, and it is what it is."

I said ok.

She ended up coming over that night, and she asked me again why I would even ask her if she was seeing someone else right now. I said I felt like I just had to, so I did.

Gotta say, my inital reaction to her asking me about it again was "Why... Should I be asking?"

But, I assume these are the LBS's natural reactions in a situation like mine.

Right now, officially, we are back together, and we have had short talks about putting out rings back and moving back in together, but not anytime soon.

I think were both a little overwhelmed by this, but overall very happy about it. We're just kinda enjoying each other and getting to know each other again, and I gotta say, its been kinda nice.


So...


Yeah.

[pinhead]

Building up trust will take time. Lots of time.

[gutwrenching]

I don't think that is melty man...that is natural fear and lack of trust. I know the feelng...I'm still waiting for enough trust not to have those thoughts in the back of my mind...

[konfuseeed]

Well here's an update for those who are interested, and of course any feedback on what is going on between us right now is fully welcomed and appreciated.


We are a little over 2 months into things, and are very much enjoying each others company now. We ALWAYS have a great time together.

Bottom line. I'm happy being with my lady again.



Her and I have kinda fallen into a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. We talk everyday... Usually I go out to see her at her place one weeknight and then we spend most weekends together.

This has been really nice. I am enjoying this time.

However, we don't talk relationship much, at all. To be honest, I don't really care. As long as things are good and things feel right I have no issue with whats going on, but last night we did actually talk for the first time in quite a few weeks. I don't even remember how it came up.

She got upset. Not mad at me or upset with me... Just upset in general about a few things...


I am meeting a lot of her friends, and its going well. However, most of my friends are still friends we "used" to have, who after she left and started seeing other guys did not approve of what she was doing, and cut her off.

This is what it is, I can't help how other people reacted.

However, she is very, very nervous about reconnecting with these people and my family. Going so far to say it is going to be a "make or break" moment for us. i I actually respectfully disagreed with that explaining that if she is letting other people decide how her and I end up then there is something wrong.

I think she is just very scared about facing everyone again... And honestly, if I were her, I would be too.

She got very upset talking about this. I just held her and let her cry and told her I knew it was hard.

She told me she is scared. She is scared of us going back to the crappy relationship we used to have.

Again... I understand that fear, as I also have it. Although I am confident in our abilities to work forward and to keep that from happening. I told her as much.

She said, and I quote... "It is totally f#$ked up that I am dating my husband".

I said "yup, it kinda is, but here we are".

She then went on a little rant of sorts, saying how she wished she could just erase the past, and start completely fresh with me. She said she wished I was just a new guy she just met.

A little history here... My wife and I never "Dated"... We did a long distance relationship and then immediatly moved in with each other. My wife has always has a tinge of sadness about the fact that we never did the boyfriend girlfriend dating thing... Which is essentially exactly what we are doing right now.

She said she feels like we are "backtracking".

I told her I did not feel that way at all. I honestly thought that comparing ANYTHING in the past to what we are doing now is a mistake, and we should move forward in our NEW relationship with no baggage from the previous one. Easier said than done, I know, but I think she got the point and understood where I was coming from.

She said she knows that at times it seems like she is kinda keeping me at arms length, but she doesn't mean to, and she doesn't know why she does it other than she is scared.

I have sensed her doing that. Just kinda keeping a little bit of a wall up between us. Nothing horrible... Just a slight hesitation sometimes. I have done it too...

I never really thought much into it as it hasn't really stopped anything from happening. I assumed it was par for the course in the early stages of reconciliation between two people who really hurt each other.

I could sense she was upset, and exhausted from crying, so I just kinda let the conversation die and held her some more and let her cry it out.

I told her I loved her very much. I told her that right now I didn't care if we were married or divorced, if we lived together or apart... The only thing I cared about was being WITH her.

She gave me a smooch and told me she loved me very much. She told me, exact quote, "You are a very good, very special man. And handsome."

I told her that she is beautiful, and I will never neglect her again. I plan to make her feel wanted and appreciated and respected because thats exactly what she deserves.

I then made a flirty , perverted comment about how fantastic her butt looked in her new DKNY underwear... She laughed, and we watched a few episodes of Dexter and went to sleep.

Today we are planning our Halloween weekend together.

So... There you go. I know this is more just a synopses of a convo we had last night, but honestly, outside of that, we haven't talked about "us" much. I don't know if thats good or bad? We really are just dating, and having a lot of fun together. Am I crazy to be really enjoying this right now?
Anyone have any insight as to our current situation? Are we moving along well, do you think?

I honestly have no idea as obviously this is all new to us.

We are not seeing a councilor, as of now, but both agree it is probably a good idea at some point... As it stands right now though we are attacking this situation just her and I.

[EJohn]

Hi Konfuseeed. (I don't post often, mainly read and absorb)I haven't read thru your whole sitch, but my W and I got back to together about the same time as you and yours......and it is very difficult. So if it has been or has felt good so far, that is fantastic.

From what I've read, this is the hardest part of the whole process. The trust issues are massive. I always feel like there's a hidden agenda, which of course she can feel that vibe from me, so its hard for her to open up. Emotions feed off each other, so try to keep positive.

Take it slow.

[gutwrenching]

I don't think their is a formula for this. Piecing is hard. Me and my W had a real rough weekend.
Communication is key. Both of committing to NOT falling back into old habbits is key. Calling each other out when if you start to slip back is key.
Have you thought about Retrouville?
Are you two trying to open up emotionally to each other?

I wish I had answers for you. My W and I took some major steps backwards this weekend, which I guess is to be expected, but in the end, we re-comitted to each other to continue to move forward and work on M. Difference is that we do talk R frequently.

Things are F'd up for her because she has to deal with the consequences of her actions. Nothing you can or should do about that.

What about OM? That is the one that set us backwards this weekend, so be forewarned. You don't know what happened with OM...that would still concern me. Also, from my experience this past weekend, W is trying to deal with left over feelings from OM that as she tells me, she needs to deal with and bury and put back in their proper place and continue to move forward. She is suddenly feeling anger towards him and wants to go back to feeling nothing. So for what its worth...

[konfuseeed]

Thanks for the support you guys.

OM actually sent me a message on facebook out of the blue, asking if he could talk to me/ He said he had a few things to say to me and a few things he wanted to "get out on the table" for me to respond to.

He asked that I not tell anyone what was said.

I deleted the message and told my wife this happened.

To be honest, if she woulda flipped out and demand I not talk to him, that woulda been a big red flag for me... As in, "what is he going to say that you dont want me to hear, hm? Any lies you've told me about to get busted by your rebound boyfriend?"

Anyways, she told me she was sorry I had to deal with that, but told me maybe I should hear him out.

I'm not going to, of course, but the fact that she said that told me maybe she has nothing to hide anymore.

Anyways, yeah, things are tough. This week especially. I planned this awesome weekend for us and she basically said she could only see me one night.

She has other plans, and also due to her working and running around all day she never gets any time to herself.

So, I'm upset.

I don't really see any progress being made here... We have our talks like the one i discussed in my previous post, but other than that we basically just text and chit chat during the day, and go on one or two "dates" on the weekends.

She seems perfectly happy with this arrangement... But, I'm getting kind of tired of it.

I'm not flipping out about it... I mean, this is all still pretty new, but am I just being irrational about this?

I've talked to her about how I want to spend more time together... She makes excuses now about what a pain in the azz it is to take the train out to see me... Shes never complained about that before...

I told her I feel like she's pulling away from me, and if somethings going on we should talk...

She just says "I'm not pulling away" and thats that.

Ok then...

I'm not gonna bring this stuff up again.


Ok, so seriously... Am I just reacting and pushing hard and not giving this enough time?

I feel like thats probably the case, but I also don't want to ignore any red flags just because its only been a few months.

For the record, outside of the things I mentioned here, shes been great. She still seems genuine about us working this out... It just seems like shes on a much slower plan than I am, and we need to be on the same plan here.