Seems a lot of people here struggle with what their WAS is doing and what they should doing. LBS struggle with letting go of their anger and finding compassion for their spouse. One of the first things to do in any conflict resolution is find some common ground then seek to understand the other sides perspective. So lets find some common ground then seek understanding.
WAS / LBS
180 - behave differently
detach- WAS ahead of LBS
Act as If - we call it Fog
GAL - good for both sides
Goals - WAS have plans
Take care of Yourself
Going Dark
LRT - WAS BTDT
So the WAS is off the reservation and the LBS is still stuck. The WAS is sending a sign that this R needs to grow, it's not healthy and this is how they are coping. So the WAS is doing things to feed themselves, they have been hurting and their needs have been neglected. Granted they don't always do it in a productive and healthy way but it's what they decided. The WAS is taking care of themselves by doing all the things a good DBer is supposed to be doing. So if the belief is we DB to grow to become a healthier, wiser and stronger individual no matter the outcome then the WAS is walking to do the same thing. We just don't agree on the methods they use.
So why try and fight or hold back someone who is desperately trying to self-actualise and find their true self? That's the wisdom and magic of letting them go. If you love them wouldn't you want them to be the best they could? The WAS also wants you to grow and be your best, they show it by leaving a unhealthy R. A WAS is trying to establish boundaries in the only way they know how. A unhealthy R is not good for you. The WAS is not your enemy. They show a different form of tough love.
Our goal is still to save your marriage. When you can understand and find some compassion for what your WAS is doing it helps you detach, grow and think better. Get ahead of your WAS and learn how to use the right tools, learn what works and why and find out all the different ways you can love someone.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I meant to post this in Newcomers. This did help the Greek and I to reconcile in a healthy way. I hope it helps here too.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I wish I had seen this earlier. It seems like too little too late. I'm the WAW (well almost since I still live in the home) but I can't seem to keep the boundaries without H & IC's thinking I'm done and not working. Am I asking for too much space/time to get my brain straight? Is that why I'm the WAW because I want time/space?
I just feel like I should have never said anything. Now I can't go back without hurting everyone involved.
Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
Coach, I respectfully must say that sitch's like the above poster, and mine, happen quite often as well.
I wsa the "WAS" for all intents and purposes. Our R had gotten very, very bad. I can only control myself so I GAL, did some 180s, started a class, and lost weight.
My H filed and served me 4 weeks ago. He has no plan. He reacted to what he thought was going to happen (that I was going to file and leave him).
This was not my intention. I wanted to lead him to a better R by getting better myself first. But it scared him.
He is miserable, depressed, sits on the couch all day and watches television. There is no OW or anything like that (and in your scenario above, there doesn't seem to be any mention of OW or OM. And that does factor a LOT in these sitchs).
There are no 180s for him at all. Nothing. He has not GAL in the least. He doesn't even seem detached that much. He still calls me "mom". He wants me to do things with him.
He wanted to be the one in control and call the shots. And that happens all the time around here.
I think that many times the LBS is the healthier of the two. The healthier one looks for answers outside themselves. Not in someone else. And they are able to let go of anger a lot quicker--it usually doesn't take people posting here long to see that they have had some responsibility in what went wrong, and then they aren't quite so angry any longer.
The LBS is open to an internet site that will get them back on track. The WAS? Don't know many that come here. You are the exception to the rule.
You are right. There is no OW/OM, just some emo abuse and lost of distrust. I, too, started working on myself and found the strength to finally stand up and say this wasn't right. But the problem is I don't know how to fix anything and since it was my problem I should find the solution. Now things have snowballed and I don't know what to do/say? I feel like I'm losing all my choices. You'd have to read my thread on NC'ers to see exactly how chaotic it's become. (if your interested... my story )
Anyway, I do feel so hopeless and cruel. I don't know what to do anymore. And everyone is suffering because of it.
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
LO, You know what to do in your sitch you just won't do it. The lack of boundaries has enabled your H to behave like he has. He sounds depressed and has other issues. These are his problems, I would bet he is aware he is not emotionally healthy. He doesn't need to change because inertia is less threatening than him looking inward. His plan is to be alone that way he is only hurting himself and not his family (not gonna work but he's thinking it.) He can't love you because he doesn't love himself, he loathes you for putting up with him, he's trying to push you away - again. See he didn't do the work the first time. He thinks he will be better off by himself, it lessens his pain.
You are the tile floor. He's passive-aggressive, it's how he feels in control. It's not healthy or good for your family. He is searching for relief because he's hurting. I bet he has alot of FOO issues. You can wait like you have been on the tile floor or you can let him go to find himself and for you to heal.
Quote:
He still calls me "mom".
Does he like his mother?
How does that make you feel when he calls you "mom"?
Someone in your marriage needs to break the cycle and change the dynamic. IDK if your M is fixable, I can imagine how it must be hard for you to live like you have, your son is watching both of you. Show him what healthy living and loving is all about.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
