Seems a lot of people here struggle with what their WAS is doing and what they should doing. LBS struggle with letting go of their anger and finding compassion for their spouse. One of the first things to do in any conflict resolution is find some common ground then seek to understand the other sides perspective. So lets find some common ground then seek understanding.
WAS / LBS
180 - behave differently
detach- WAS ahead of LBS
Act as If - we call it Fog
GAL - good for both sides
Goals - WAS have plans
Take care of Yourself
Going Dark
LRT - WAS BTDT
So the WAS is off the reservation and the LBS is still stuck. The WAS is sending a sign that this R needs to grow, it's not healthy and this is how they are coping. So the WAS is doing things to feed themselves, they have been hurting and their needs have been neglected. Granted they don't always do it in a productive and healthy way but it's what they decided. The WAS is taking care of themselves by doing all the things a good DBer is supposed to be doing. So if the belief is we DB to grow to become a healthier, wiser and stronger individual no matter the outcome then the WAS is walking to do the same thing. We just don't agree on the methods they use.
So why try and fight or hold back someone who is desperately trying to self-actualise and find their true self? That's the wisdom and magic of letting them go. If you love them wouldn't you want them to be the best they could? The WAS also wants you to grow and be your best, they show it by leaving a unhealthy R. A WAS is trying to establish boundaries in the only way they know how. A unhealthy R is not good for you. The WAS is not your enemy. They show a different form of tough love.
Our goal is still to save your marriage. When you can understand and find some compassion for what your WAS is doing it helps you detach, grow and think better. Get ahead of your WAS and learn how to use the right tools, learn what works and why and find out all the different ways you can love someone.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach, just wondering if this applies for my sitch at this point? I'm probably one of the LBS you speak of. I struggle with the question why I should continue these things if my W is truly gone and our M is done?
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
I struggle with the question why I should continue these things if my W is truly gone and our M is done?
Are you the best MZA you can be? If not what are you doing to get there?
"The journey is the destination."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I want to thank you for all the advice you have given me over the past few months.
I don't post much on my thread any more b/c I feel I have detached completely and know I will be just fine. My light bulb went off in my head and I now "get it".
I just ordered "Learned Optimism" per your suggestion.
If fact you have been such an inspiration to me I think to my self quite often, "What would Coach do in this situation?"
I know I still have a lot to learn, but each day is getting better.
Thanks again
Last edited by gr8 day 2B alive; 09/01/1002:29 PM.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I think that understanding the feelings of our WAS is essential not only to any attempt at saving a relationship, but in saving ourselves. Our lack of understanding is what got us in this situation. Most of us focused on our own needs and feelings to the exclusion of our spouse.
Doodi's thread has been invaluable to me in putting a human face on the WAS. Realizing where each party is in their path towards healing is important. Except in the cases of "Fatal Attraction" type spouses, all of our spouses are reacting to pain, loss, and neglect.
I get that but you want to have your own "voice." Reserve the right to change your mind about things as well. Once you master the Jedi mind tricks they are fun to use at parties.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
So the WAS is off the reservation and the LBS is still stuck. The WAS is sending a sign that this R needs to grow, it's not healthy and this is how they are coping. So the WAS is doing things to feed themselves, they have been hurting and their needs have been neglected. Granted they don't always do it in a productive and healthy way but it's what they decided. The WAS is taking care of themselves by doing all the things a good DBer is supposed to be doing. So if the belief is we DB to grow to become a healthier, wiser and stronger individual no matter the outcome then the WAS is walking to do the same thing. We just don't agree on the methods they use.
Just as there are bad DBers there are also bad WASers.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
