Here I am.

[Hosea]

Here's my sich. I've posted on other similar forums in the past month, but the negativity and unwillingness to help me when I didn't do things exactly as they suggested kinda turned me off to them. You guys are a much more optimistic bunch and the DB aspects of GAL, 180s, and letting go give me a much more warm and fuzzy feeling about my situation.

Me, 29, military vet but civilian military spouse for the last 7 years. Primary caregiver to our kids, S5 and S3, for 5 years and totally SAHD for the last three.

WAW, 29, enlisted military for 10 years. Currently deployed to the Middle East since June, due home in Dec.

WAW dropped a call on me 2 months into her deployment. At first tried to feel out if I was unhappy in our marriage, then when I said I was happy, she gave me a laundry list of reasons shes unhappy and didn't think she had the heart to make it work. I did the usual begging, reasoning, and "I love yous". Midweek we agreed to hold of on R talks until she got back as its hard to hash stuff out 4 months and a world away.

The next weekend I discovered that she has been having an online EA with a man she met in predeployment training in May, who is deployed to a different country. Sending him gifts with love notes attached. A lot more stuff I dug up or realized later, but it was pretty much a rapid typical romantic infatuation.

After I confronted her and the OM about it (it was through FB messages, mostly fairly calm "think about what you are doing to our family and do the right thing" type stuff). I asked her if she was sure about him vs her family. She said she was and she "loved him, can't and won't give him up", "had been thinking about divorce before she met him" (Well why didn't she do it? lol), and thought that a broken home was better for the children.

Oh and here's a new one for the WAW fogbabble list. " I've respected your decision to not attend church, but I've missed it and have been wanting someone to share it with. The OM has helped me get back into my relationship with God". The mind boggles.

We talked custody and the mechanics of divorce. She wanted me to file on her and she wants primary custody of the boys I've been raising. Not going to get into that here, just yet.

2 weeks later, I let her know that I do still love her and that I'm not giving up on our family easily. A quick divorce is never the best option when there's no abuse. I told her I wouldn't pressure her but the door is open.

I exposed the affair to her family a week later. It backfired, as shes not really in contact with them that much and they've chosen to be neutral on the issue. However, they told me to not give up on her. The only reaction I got from her was a demand to know what I told them and her changing her FB relationship status from "married" to "it's complicated". The OM changed his from "single" to "in a relationship".

That was a week ago. Since, all the contact we've had has been her calling to talk to the boys, a few emails dealing with money, and me backsliding once to tell her not to go on a 4 day pass with this OP. So she's pretty irate at me right now.

After reading DB, Dr. Harley's stuff, and others, I've decided to let her go and do her thing. I'm on zoloft now to help with the roller coaster emotional swings. I blocked myself from FB totally, but left my profile alone so she could see what pictures of the boys I have on there already. I lost 40 lbs on my own in the three months previous to all this (was wanting to surprise her when she got home), and 30 lbs in the 3 weeks after she dropped the bomb on me (the unrecommended "Infidelity Diet"). I'm getting on the track to GAL for myself, but this is hard being a single parent with no job, ,friends or family nearby. Any suggestions on this would help me out immensely. My hopes rest on her responding to the DBing once she gets home and reality sets back in. If not then there's nothing I can do about it.

Am I on the right track now?

[eeyore_no_more]

Oh and here's a new one for the WAW fogbabble list. " I've respected your decision to not attend church, but I've missed it and have been wanting someone to share it with. The OM has helped me get back into my relationship with God". The mind boggles.

How's God on the whole, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" thing?

Expose to her and OM's CO, and let them put some pressure on both of them. I don't think the military is too crazy about adultery, either.

There are a few people over in the Infidelity forum that have had some success exposing when OP in in the military. You may want to check over there.

Good luck, and thank you for your service to our country.

[Hosea]

I think she thinks that no matter what she does, shes only human and God will forgive her. This is all mind reading though, just taken from some of her recent FB posts.

Thing is, yes, God will forgive her but only if she repents. Repentance only happens if you truly feel sorry for what you have done and don't do it or hurt anyone anymore.

She has not been to a chaplain there or been going to any church services.

[InLikeFlynn]

She may also be concerned with her retirement. Its approaching 10 years(7-8 yrs now) married during her military stint. Divorce now and she doesn't have to share her retirement. Just throwing that out there!!!

I hope you copied the emails between the two!! The implied or direct threat of exposure of a military on military affair can mean denial of re-enlistment. That could scare off the OM.

[Hosea]

Any crative ideas on GALing while I'm pretty much isolated here and raising two small boys on my own?

Going to try out a new church today. Hopefully they'll have a men's group that won't look at me funny for wanting to bring my kids along.

[looking2keepmywf]

Hosea,

Sorry to hear about your sitch. I am new here too, and yours has some similarities to mine.

To me, just starting out on this forum has helped already, and I know there are people here to help you too.

Best of luck to you - and hang in there!

[Hosea]

exposure aside, does anyone have any advice on how to keep the door open? Shes still 3 months from coming home and has cut off all communication with me besides talk of the kids/finances.

I'm not going to reward her behavior by sending her gifts in a care package, but I do think its right to keep sending her pictures of the kids. She has said that one of the big problems was that I wasn't sending her enough care packages. Its kinda ludicrous to expect that kind of stuff when you are having an affair and were only giving your husband "I love you/miss you toos", but that is how she feels and I accept that.

I read a success story about a man whos wife was working in another country and had pretty much distanced herself and cut him off. He didn't put pressure on her, just wrote her occasional letters about the kids and everyday things he was doing/feeling. No R talk at all. He knew that she wouldn't resist opening a letter from home and it allowed her to see him as a person, not just a babysitter. Would my wife resent this?

Walking a fine line here and not sure how to proceed. Any advice, especially a female perspective, is welcome.

[gutwrenching]

Hosea
Sorry for you being here, but there are plenty of people to support you and offer ideas on what to do. Unfortunately, there is no magic formula to any of this.

First off, there is no chance of reconcilliation if EA is still going on. That doesn't mean you have to slam the door shut, but either by you exposing to OMs chain of command or your W deciding you are better option or something...if she is still in a la la land over OM then you will find progress very difficult.

You need to figure out what made her unhapppy, what made her stray, what are the things in you that need to be changed and start there. People will tell you that you need to do it for yourself, which is true, but you can also do it with the hopes that some day those changes will help rebuild a M.

Avoid all R talks, especially with the long distance and the stress of her being deployed. Start to think through now how the transition period is going to be when she returns...not only will she be returning after being gone a long time, but now all the other garbage out on the table. This will be your time to show you have changed without pursuing her...that will not be easy, but you have time on your side and some vets here that can probably give you some great ideas. Right now, she sees everything about you and the M in a negative light...no words, emails or letters are likely to change that...but when she returns there is a chance for her to say wow, I didn't remember all these positives.

[Hosea]

bit of a break today. After weeks of not persuing her, not saying "I love you", and pretty much keeping busy, she called this morning.

She said that she didn't know if she could get over me exposing. I told her that I did it not to hurt her but to stop an affair that was threatening my family.

She asked "Why haven't you been fighting for me?"
I said I have been, on my end, and giving her the space she asked for.

She asked why I haven't I been begging for her to come back and trying to show her how much I loved her. I told her, "You are having an affair. I have too much self respect to kiss your ass while you are having an affair."

She said that "this all hurts so much because I still love you".

I got her to agree to fill out Dr. Harley's Emotional Needs questionaire.


I know we are not out of the woods yet by a long shot. Baby steps.

[MakingProgress]

You have to wonder if in their minds they are back to a "dating" status when they are having these affairs and wondering why you won't engage in the competition and miss the whole point about commitment, betrayal, etc.