Back again

[oncemore]

I was on this board after the end of my first marriage 9
years ago. I admit I moved on fairly quickly then - moved in with my now STBXH within a year and we were married in 2006. STBXH dropped the bomb on 31 August that he wanted a divorce. I cried and begged but he seemed pretty determined. We both went to work the next day and when I came home I asked if he wanted to talk at all, whether he his thoughts had changed at all. He said no, he was fully decided he wanted a divorce. I couldn't stay in the same house under the circumstances as it would be just too hard so I spent a few nights with a couple we know and am now boarding with a couple of single female friends. It has all moved really quickly - joint accounts have been closed and joint bills split so that we each have our own. After about a week I sent him a text message saying that I wouldn't harrass him but if he wanted to talk about saving our marriage and seeing if we could return to the love we shared, I am willing but would accept his decision.

I had raised the idea of a divorce a couple of years ago because we always seemed to be headed in slightly different directions. I believe that deep down we both watned the same things out of life but saw different ways of getting there. I'm not sure whether he never forgave me for suggesting a divorce or whether it's just because we didn't put in the work required when we saw the cracks appearing. I do know we could have done tons more to fix the relationship then. I guess we made the stupid mistake of hoping it would all go away. When I asked could we not try to fix things properly this time he said he was sick of trying, but couldn't give me any examples of what efforts we had made. It's clear now that we surely didn't communicate well.

At the moment my goal is to get through this, whatever happens. If STBXH decides he would like to work on our marriage he knows how to contact me. In the meantime I've got a heap of work to do on myself. I need to take a good hard look at myself and work out why I didn't put in the work a couple of years ago. I need to work on being happy in myself so that if we were to attempt to reconcile I'd be in a better place to do so, and if I do end up on my own, then I need to be ok with that too.

[CD Bear]

Hi, Oncemore.

I am so sorry to hear you are in this sitch again.

However, I am hoping you can get your hands on The Divorce Remedy.

It is still a great place to start again.

You also now have more hindsight that your work last time was incomplete. This should also give you a headstart on the "new" journey.

Please add some "details" to your signature (ages, kids, etc) and let us know whether you instinct suggest there may be an affair going on.

Keep snooping through Newcomer threads as you'll find piles of info on "the basics"

I'm sure there is a revised copy by now, but here is one of the best "starting lists" I ever received.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
(But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing.This is important! Do not ask if they see the changes. If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hea
r and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. _________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

I believe "the nickel" goes to Sandi2

[CD Bear]

Piano found the thread for me.

It has been updated with numbers 38 plus.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2077100#Post2077100

[BeingMe]

I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation, and back here, but it is a good place when faced with a D. I guess more info would help us to see where one can help. Sorry to suggest this, but is there no a OW? Men don't generally leave with such determination unless there is someone waiting for them, or at least, not as far as I have experienced on this site. Many have said 'no', only to find out differently. If that is the case, then at least you know what you are fighting.

If there is definitely no OW, then I guess the best thing is to give him his space. Actually, that would apply even if there is a OW. The list is pretty good, but impossible to take in all at once, so take small steps, one day at a time.

Anyway, it's late, but I just wanted you to have a response, and a welcome to the board.

[oncemore]

CD Bear and BeingMe thank you for your replies. I very much appreciate the support. The list will be very helpful. I will make sure to keep referring back to it. I'm afraid I gave into the desire to contact him today and sent a text message saying I still don't want the divorce, etc., etc. Must work on creating a distraction for myself so I don't do that. Logically I know he doesn't want to hear that sort of thing but it's hard to get my heart to listen. Got to listen to the head!

I'm not aware of an OW. If time reveals anything else I guess I will have to deal with it.

I have an interstate trip in a couple of weeks which involves spending time concentrating on one of my hobbies. It was planned before the bomb was dropped and I thought about cancelling because I didn't think I'd be in the mood. I decided to still go because I need to do things I enjoy. It will also be good because it will be nearly all females so it's something just for me, and I'll have some fun.

[oncemore]

Well, I had a text message reply from H. He acknowledged there were some good times in our marriage but he doesn't think it would be a good idea for either of us in the long run if we were to try to get back together, so no he doesn't want to work on us anymore. Guess it's not really a surprise he feels like that right now. I replied ok, thanks for replying, have a good weekend (I know he is going out of town for a seminar this weekend).

I'm feeling really lost - where I go from here I don't know.

[Stronger]

There is nowhere to "go" necessarily.
Have you made your list of things you want to work on FOR YOU and hobbies and such?
The best thing you can do right now, is do things for you and only you.
Also maybe drop his number out of your phone
I don't know if this will help or not but I'm divorced now. However, the two or three weeks before Ex-H and I finalized he had a freak out and tried to come home. Over and over. I said no. It was just too late. I had moved on and was ready for life 100% without him. But I could have saved the marriage at that time IF I had wanted. I didn't.
So what was I doing differently when H wanted to come home? I was 100% living for me. I didn't call or text him anymore unless it was child related, we have one son. I went out and got me a damn good life and I lived it. I was really truly GALing my hear out.
We're best friends again though, which I love.

[oncemore]

Thanks Stronger your positive view of your life now does help. It is good to be reminded that however these situations turn out we can go on to live happy lives - if we work on ourselves and GAL.

I'm going to try to work on that list of things to work on FOR ME. At the moment I'm a bit stuck on that. I have hobbies I will get active in again but I also want to try something new, just don't know what yet.

I won't drop his number from my phone as there's still a lot of practical stuff to work out but I will work really hard on dropping contact unless it's strictly about the practical stuff

[oncemore]

GAL - I need to do this. As stupid as it might sound, I'm stuck for ideas on new activities to try. What sort of things have others done? I know the answers others have found may not be for me, but they might trigger ideas for me.
Thanks!

[oncemore]

I need some tips with how to deal with telling people H and I are separated. Each time the topic comes up I burst into tears. I know it's only been a few weeks and the tears are normal, and in fact probably necessary to let it all out. However, I don't like bursting into tears at work and things like that. I know people understand it's an emotional time but all the same I need some strength. I am not going out of my to tell every single person I see, but sometimes it's an innocent question such as someone asking how H is.

I'd still appreciate some ideas of new hobbies. I have been spending time with friends and family but I need ways to meet new people as I go forward with my life. I am a bit of a shy person generally and find it hard to put myself in situations where I don't know anyone. I'd like to change this trait in myself. Any thoughts would be most appreciated.